In honor of March, the bracket-iest month of the year, The Wire decided to go all out and create a tournament for everything. Every weekday for the rest of the month, we're presenting a different tournament to determine the very best thing in a given field. And we're doing it the way that God intended: Bracket showdowns.
We picked the field, but you vote for the winner. Fill out our interactive bracket, round-by-round, to determine the people's champion, then read through our choices to find out who we think is the best of the best. Each day is a new champion!
Twitter is funny in that your experience whole experience is determined by the people you choose to follow. Choose boring, bad people, and yes, Twitter will be nothing updates from that kid in high school who's ready for a night out with his bros, or that girl who uses Instagram filters on her PBJ to compensate for her sadness.
If you manage follow the better people, you're privy to secret treasures like: Nancy Grace's uncouth hashtags (#oceanmom), or RuPaul handing out political commentary, or Chuck Grassley admitting to deer murder. It really can a beautiful place.
Twitter is so big and varied that you might not follow any of the people in today's bracket contest, but that's your own loss. This collection is the best of the best of our Twitter experience and we just add to figure out the champion via our March Madness ... Madness. Check out our tweeting tributes and help us determine the best Twitter account in the land:
@AndieMacdowell3 (Andie MacDowell): Who knew Andie MacDowell was so weirdly fun?
Why are the people that work for 411 so mean? i will not be lazy anymore & google numbers myself, i don't want to call them ever again— Andie MacDowell (@AndieMacDowell3) February 17, 2014
@ArianaGrande (Ariana Grande): Youngest and most powerful member of Illuminati. Teen dream.
@BrandiGlanville (Brandi Glanville): Her IRL messiness and mild incoherence translates beautifully to Twitter where she get in random fights with fans of the show.
@BrianStelter/ @JamieStelter (The Stelters): A dual entry because you can't follow one without the other. Now that they're married, they're destined to become one of Twitter's most powerful power couples.
@chanelpuke: Whoever this genius is, he or she speaks from the heart and spouts universal truths:
Hairdresser: do you like it? Me: yes thank you *goes home and cries*— what (@chanelpuke) March 14, 2014
@Cher (Cher): Is Cher.
@ChuckGrassley (U.S. Senator Chuck Grassley) Senator. Deerslayer. (We assume.)
Fred and I hit a deer on hiway 136 south of Dyersville. After I pulled fender rubbing on tire we continued to farm. Assume deer dead— ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) October 26, 2012
@darrenrovell (Darren Rovell): It's considered an achievement in NBA 2k14 when ESPN's Darren Rovell tweets about you. IRL Twitter, he's just a super sincere dude (maybe too sincere).
Cherished my conversation with @pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi yesterday. Can't imagine having to think about so many brands every day.— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) September 17, 2013
@darth: A kingmaker. You are not anyone on Twitter unless Darth photoshops something on you, or something for you.
@realDonaldTrump (Donald Trump): A kingmaker. You are not anyone until Donald Trump declares you a loser.
@AskDrRuth (Dr. Ruth):
Never make a written list of your past lovers like LLohan. Even if you're not a celeb this is not info you want going around.— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) March 12, 2014
Unless you find out you have STD & then a list will make sure you don't forget to tell any past lovers of their reisk.— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) March 12, 2014
dick fact no.77: my, dick is covered in clothes most of the time. this protects it from the elements as well as the gaze of my enemies— wint (@dril) February 14, 2014
@DylanByers (Dylan Byers): Byers, is, umm, entertaining:
Ta-Nehisi Coates's claim that "Melissa Harris-Perry is America's foremost public intellectual" sort of undermines his intellectual cred, no?— Dylan Byers (@DylanByers) January 7, 2014
@JoseCanseco (Jose Canseco): By all accounts, probably should not have a Twitter account.
@JudyBlume (Judy Blume): Completely adorable woman who is the author of Blubber.
@KellyOxford (Kelly Oxford): Funny person.
@KobeBryant (Kobe Bryant): Future Hall of Fame basketball star who is completely candid on Twitter:
@Max_Read (Max Read): He seems nice. (Also a soul fighter.)
@Paleofuture (Matt Novak): Hey, guys, have you ever seen the movie Quiz Show?
@RichardDeitsch (Richard Deitsch): If what you read on a daily basis were a nightclub, you'd want Deitsch to be your bouncer. He keeps out the riff-raff.
@rilaws (Richard Lawson): Just because Richard has left The Wire doesn't mean we stop following him on Twitter.
@RobDelaney (Rob Delaney): Another funny person.
Why Is Jewish owned press so consistently anti- Israel in every crisis?— Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch) November 18, 2012
@TheStalwart (Joe Weisenthal) Never goes to sleep. Always on Twitter. Probably part-cyborg.
@ZeroHedge: Anonymous financials blogger collective that never met a conspiracy it did try to scare the crap out of everyone with.
Total data manipulation. Such a farce— zerohedge (@zerohedge) October 5, 2012
Your vote: @TheStalwart
The Wire Picks
Round of 32
Murdoch vs. Trump: Murdoch wins this, because while Trump is an expert troller of liberals, Murdoch's "WTF?" factor is more organic and far more genuine. Winner: Murdoch
Darth vs. Pour Me Coffee: This is like picking between two adorable children. If and when it comes to it, you go with the cuter one. Darth has the cuter avatar. Pour Me Coffee is finished. Winner: Darth
RuPaul vs. Cher: RuPaul, shantay you stay. Winner: RuPaul
Chanel Puke vs. Dril: Chanel Puke scares me less, speaks to me more. Winner: Chanel Puke
Stalwart vs. Zero Hedge: We give this victory to the man who never sleeps. Winner: Stalwart
Andie MacDowell vs. Judy Blume: MacDowell is totally weirder than we expected. But Judy Blume has a legacy. Blume's the sentimental favorite here. Winner: Judy Blume
US Mint vs. Chrissy Teigen: U.S. Mint puts up a worthy fight... ok, not really. Everybody loves Teigen. Winner: Chrissy Teigen
Darren Rovell vs. Richard Deitsch: Somedays it seems like Deitsch was only put on this Earth to keep Rovell (and his ESPN buddies) in line. He's doing an excellent job. Winner: Richard Deitsch
The Stelters vs. Richard Lawson: Lawson brings the laughs. Stelter/Shupak are worthy opponents, who probably would win if this were an Instagram battle. Winner: Lawson
Brandi Glanville vs. Chuck Grassley: While both of them have delivered plenty of bizarre, nonsensical meltdown, Grassley is the one who got elected to Congress. Winner: Grassley
Dylan Byers vs. Ariana Grande: A media reporter vs. a pop star. What do you think?Winner: Grande
Buzzfeed Ben vs. Max Read: No haters vs. all haters. Winner: Read
Regis Philbin vs. Paleofuture: Regis wins, because you must vote for Regis. Winner: Philbin
Dr. Ruth vs. Jose Canseco: One gives you solid life advice. We'll go with her. Winner: Dr. Ruth
Nancy Grace vs. Kobe Bryant: The undisputed queen of the hashtags makes easy work of the Black Mamba. Winner: Nancy Grace
Kelly Oxford vs. Rob Delaney: We flipped a coin. Oxford won. Winner: Oxford
The Sweet 16
Murdoch vs. Darth: For all we know, Murdoch could be Darth. And Darth could be Murdoch. And Finkle is Einhorn. Or something. Either way, Darth is better. Winner: Darth
RuPaul vs. Chanel Puke: Chanel probably watches Drag Race, making RuPaul's loss sting a little less. Winner: Chanel
The Stalwart vs. Judy Blume: Ms. Blume wrote Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Joe makes jokes about manufacturing productivity. Winner: Blume
Chrissy Teigen vs. Richard Deitsch: Chrissy Teigen, sometimes we can't with you. Winner: Deitsch
Richard Lawson vs. Chuck Grassley: While both are "funny", the humor derived from Grassley's Twitter feed is mostly unintentional. Winner: Lawson
Ariana Grande vs. Max Read: Grande takes no prisoners. Winner: Grande
Philbin vs. Dr. Ruth: Dr. Ruth has a much better grasp of the Twitter game, in that she is aware that she actually has a Twitter account. Winner: Dr. Ruth
Oxford vs. Grace: Grace takes this. Wants to go all the way with #boxofinfants. Winner: Grace
The Elite Eight
Darth vs. Chanel Puke: Puke's universal appeal wins out. Sometimes Darth's humor can be a bit of an inside joke, not necessarily a bad thing when you're in on the joke. Winner: Chanel Puke
Judy Blume vs. Richard Deitsch: Deitsch would be a gentleman and allow Blume to advance. Winner: Blume
Richard Lawson vs. Ariana Grande: Lawson takes this (for now). Outcome will be different in a few years when Grande becomes the leader of the illuminati.Winner: Richard Lawson
Dr. Ruth vs. Nancy Grace: Dr. Ruth is not a match for Nancy's #toofattokill and #hotcupofpoison. Winner: Grace
Chanel Puke vs. Judy Blume: Judy Blume probably thinks Chanel is funny. They're good friends in some fantasy world. Winner: Puke
Richard Lawson vs. Nancy Grace: #PotandTots. Richard shakes his head, walks out, has a cigarette. Defaults. Winner: Grace
Puke vs. Grace: Nancy is a one-trick pony. A magical, beautiful pony with one majestic trick (#fetussnatcher). But Chanel is the winner here. #multimediatriplethreat
Winner: Chanel Puke