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Ellen DeGeneres is back hosting the Oscars after a brief seven year break, and her opening monologue was pretty perfect. Degeneres ran through the nominated attendees, including June Squib, the oldest nominee at 84 years old. "I'm telling everyone that you were wonderful in Nebraska," she shouted in Squib's direction. 

She teased Liza Minnelli, whose blue hair was a one of the sillier moments of the red carpet. "And I have to say one of the most amazing Liza Minnelli impersonators I have ever seen in my life," DeGeneres said. "I mean really, good job sir."

She congratulated the the audience for making a total of 14,000 films. "And you've gone to a total of six years of college."

After comparing the ceremony to The Hunger Games (there are cameras everywhere and everyone's hungry) she turned to JLaw. "By the way Jennifer, I'm not going to bring up the... you know," DeGeneres said. "For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about ... if you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar." 

And if Jonah Hill wins, it'll be for showing a new side of himself. "I have to say, you showed us something in that film that I have not seen for a very, very long time." 

And, to close, DeGeneres touched on the one thing we've all been thinking. "Possibility number one, 12 Years a Slave wins for best picture," she said. "Possibility number two, you're all racists." 

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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