In honor of March, the bracket-iest month of the year, The Wire decided to go all out and create a tournament for everything. Every weekday for the rest of the month, we're presenting a different tournament to determine the very best (or worst) thing in a given field. And we're doing it the way that God intended: Bracket showdowns.
We picked the field, but you vote for the winner. Fill out our interactive bracket, round-by-round, to determine the people's champion, then read through our choices to find out who we think is be the best of the best. Each day is a new champion!
Our March Madness (patent pending) continues today with a field as adaptable and universal as you're going to find: Best Chicken. "Best chicken what?" Best chicken. "Best chicken like food?" Best chicken. "Or best chicken like alive chickens?" Best chicken. Pick the best chicken. Free your mind.
- Fried chicken: Be it deep-fried, pan-fried, or Kentucky-fried, this is your classic chicken. Crispy, delicious, probably awful for you, just don't give us the specifics because: don't care.
- Chicken soup: This is literally food that doubles as medicine. Reconsider any and all arguments against it. Quick poll: Ideal noodle for chicken soup? Traditional egg probably wins out, but watch out for penne coming up along the outside rail.
- Chicken parm: Does anybody still bother ordering chicken parm in the traditional, nested-on-a-bed-of-spaghetti model anymore? Or has this so fully morphed into a sandwich-based dish? Either way, all the goodness of breaded chicken topped with red sauce and melted cheese? That's like every food group plus a few more that were just discovered within a chicken parm sub.
- Rotisserie chicken: Even when you're not actually consuming rotisserie chicken, it's comforting to see it there at the deli counter, rotating and glistening just so.
- General Tso's chicken: The easiest thing to remember that you like when you're drunk and hollering your Chinese order across the room to your friend on the phone.
- The Famous San Diego Chicken: The world will always need a mascot to dance with old ladies between innings at baseball games or at NASCAR events or wherever there's a crowd.
- Chicken wings: In order: barbecue, medium, hot, honey mustard, mild, garlic, teriyaki. (No "Buffalo." They're all "Buffalo." If they weren't "Buffalo" wings, you'd be eating "plain" chicken wings, which are a waste of a creature that God put on this earth to feed you.)
- Chicken cutlets (food): Breaded or grilled, nice and flat and perfect for sandwiches. Or maybe schnitzel is your thing. There will be stacked chicken cutlets behind a glass partition at your local deli until nuclear armageddon. Probably a few days after that.
- Chicken cutlets (boob): The harsh reality of the beauty-industrial complex has necessitated these flesh-colored ad-hoc breast enhancements. Helpful for women and drag queens alike.
- Chicken nuggets: "What part of the chicken is the nugget?" you ask. "Shut up and dip it in your barbecue sauce," we say.
- Chicken salad: Free tip from The Wire to you: don't overdo your chicken salad. A few well-placed ingredients (apples; maybe some nut action) are fine, but remember who your star ingredient is.
- Chik-fil-a: Problematic. Regional. Delicious.
- The Chicken Dance: Pinch your hands. Flap your arms. Shimmy on down. Clap four times. Your great-aunt can do this, don't pretend you don't understand how it goes. (Not eligible: the Bluth family chicken dance, as it is non-regulation.)
- Chicken pot pie: All the goodness of chicken, gravy, peas, and carrots, joined together under a dome of pastry like a delicious Stephen King adaptation.
- Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul: Keeping the "Used" section of your local library in business, since 1993.
- Chicken of the Sea: Pros: delicious. Cons: not chicken.