What If Justin Bieber Didn't Actually Break Any Laws?

Today in celebrity gossip: Despite worldwide wishful thinking Justin Bieber may not be as guilty as we'd thought, Bieber's ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez is doing fine despite stalker, and Susan Boyle recently applied for a minimum-wage job.

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Today in celebrity gossip: Despite worldwide wishful thinking Justin Bieber may not be as guilty as we'd thought, Bieber's ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez is doing fine despite stalker, and Susan Boyle recently applied for a minimum-wage job.

Last week ended on the blissful notion that although the world is a frequently mysterious and confusing nightmare, sometimes things just settle into their right places. That's right: Justin Bieber had been arrested for general jackassery. His brief incarceration and adorable headshot were all anybody could talk about, particularly if you define "anybody" as "children with Twitter accounts." But it now appears that the world was too hasty in its wishful thinking! Justin Bieber was not only released in time to spend a weekend in beautiful Panama, it also appears several of of his legal worries are either unfounded or are bound for dismissal. In other words, everything's coming up Bieber!

First off: Those "drag racing" charges? According to TMZ, video surveillance evidence — in concert with the rental Lamborghini's GPS system — verify that the "race" speed had only reached about 27 mph when the police pulled him over. Furthermore, Bieber's blood alcohol level was only .014, or "nowhere near the legal limit of .08." Now, obviously even if the reckless driving or DWI charges don't pan out Bieber will still have to answer for his belligerent behavior toward the arresting officer, but that's not quite major enough to require a major life change, right? [TMZ]

Meanwhile, those egging charges from a few weeks back were already admittedly pretty bogus; if we're being real, people were only concerned about that prank in the same way people were concerned about Al Capone's tax returns. But TMZ also reports that the L.A. Sheriff's Department, upon raiding Bieber's mansion, "found no evidence he egged his neighbors house." In other words, Bieber probably definitely egged his neighbors' house, but there's no incontrovertible evidence linking him to it, which means no criminal charges are likely to be filed. So there you have it! His two biggest legal issues will result in little more than a light, loving spank on the rump and NOT the lifetime prison sentence for which most of the population clamors. The truly frightening part of it all is that now Bieber may start feeling emboldened to exact bigger and more destructive crimes on society. Like toilet papering houses or driving rented Lamborghinis at speeds of up to 34 mph! It's hard to say for sure just what Justin Bieber's next reign of terror will look like, but it's probably a good idea to start stocking up on emergency rations and drinking water and lowering your storm shutters in anticipation. The next one just may be The Big One. [TMZ]

Oh, don't worry, many more Bieber-related news nuggets dropped over the weekend as though from an overfed llama at an ill-maintained petting zoo. First of all: Bieber's endorsement deal with Proactiv Solution may be in jeopardy! Apparently Proactiv co-creator Dr. Kathy Fields was not happy about the state of his skin in his mug shot and now intends to send Bieber more of her product to "help get him back on track." Meanwhile the Daily Mail believes that Justin Bieber's newest lady friend Chantal Jeffries, the sometime model who was with him at the time of his arrest, is a "bad girl" who influences him to take dangerous risks, such as going parasailing. According to Daily Mail's source, Jeffries is the darkness who runs contra to the woman who used to be his light: "There is only one person who has the power to curb his wayward antics – on-off girlfriend Selena Gomez." Which may come as a bit of a surprise to Radar, who now reports the opposite: Selena Gomez was the bad influence on Justin Bieber all along! According to their source (who may or may not be Bieber's embattled manager Scooter Braun):

They fight constantly and Selena loves to keep Justin hanging. He always acts out after they fight. Selena is just not good for Justin. They need to stay away from each other.

So yes, impeccable logic there: Bieber feels emotional about his ex-girlfriend, does terrible, ungainly things, Q.E.D. it's all her fault. Very Book of Genesis. But keep in mind Radar still maintains that those super fake, instantly debunked Bieber-Gomez text messages from a few weeks back are real, so. Hush, Radar. [TMZ, Daily Mail, Radar]

Speaking of Selena Gomez, in case you were wondering how she's been doing in the wake of her former flame's legal problems, she's fine! That's according to fellow former Disney Channel star Demi Lovato, who told Ryan Seacrest on his community access radio show that "[She's] strong! She's doing really well right now!" But it's not clear if Lovato's statement also applies to the scary situation that just occurred at Gomez's Tarzana, California, home. Apparently a 19-year-old man was arrested for "creeping around on her property Saturday morning." TMZ doesn't know if Gomez was actually home at the time, but still! That is terrible! Man, seriously: Being a celebrity seems really awful sometimes. Sometimes.  [Us Weekly, TMZ]

Uh, is this charming or sad? Apparently Britain's Got Talent's surprisingly talented hobo chanteuse Susan Boyle recently applied for a minimum-wage job at a casino near her Scottish manse. According to Page Six's source, nobody actually believes Boyle needs the money seeing as she's worth an estimated $33M these days, but rather "she saw it as a way of getting out of the house and taking her mind off things." Makes sense! And still kinda sad! But if Boyle does need the money, please know that she'd be due for a big raise eventually. "Her salary for the 16-hour-a-week gig would begin at $10.42 an hour before going up to to $10.65 after her training is finished." So hang in there, Susan Boyle! Good things (specifically 23 cent raises) come to those who wait. [Page Six]

Dreams. What are they? We know we're supposed to have them, but most times it's like only a lucky few of us will ever get to live our dreams, so why bother? This is perhaps because most dreams are dumb or lame or ridiculous. You want to be an astronaut? Get real, kid. You want to scream-sing on a national reality TV contest? Forget about it. You want to sail a catamaran off the edge of the world? No way, dude. But sometimes someone has a dream so perfect and wonderful and attainable you can't help but smile. Kristen Stewart's dream is that kind of dream: "I’m definitely going to shave my head before I die. I will definitely tattoo my head while it’s shaved before my hair grows back. I’m not sure which part, probably the bottom quadrant in the back." [People]

Finally, there is a smart and reasonable context for this Miley Cyrus tweet, but it's more fun to just post without explanation:

All right fine, the context was that recently Fox News host Mike Huckabee said some questionable things about female sexuality (as Christian men tend to) and Cosmopolitan magazine started the facetious #CantControlMyLibido tag in response. So yes: Miley Cyrus is more engaged and clever about social politics than you probably thought! Also, here is a photo from her "Grammy performance" last night and it is better than almost the entire telecast:

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.