Puppy Bowl: Don't Appease Cat People, They Don't Want to Be Saved

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Is it really worth giving cat people and their cold hearts a tiny bit of pleasure by putting felines in the Puppy Bowl if it means ruining the Puppy Bowl for the rest of us? Short answer: no.  

For some reason or another the producers of Animal Planet's well-loved Puppy Bowl, the only Super Bowl alternative out there, have decided to sell their souls to the feline minority tinker with the fundamentals of the event and incorporate cats. The producers announced that, in honor of the Puppy Bowl's 10th anniversary, they will be featuring a Keyboard Cat halftime show and a "perma-kitten" sideline guest named Lil Bub, Entertainment Weekly reports. 

This is absurd beyond reason, and sacrilege. If there's one surefire way to ruin something that is genuinely good you can be sure it starts with "let's add a cat." A few thoughts: 

Keyboard Cat Is Dead, Therefore the Halftime Show Is Devil Magic

Keyboard Cat was pretty awesome in 2007. You know what else was cool in 2007? Dita Von Teese. Dita is now a junior shoe sales associate at the Short Hills Nordstrom, and Keyboard Cat videos aren't faring any better.

But the real offense here is that the original Keyboard Cat, a feline named Fatso, passed away in 1987. And Animal Planet will apparently perform some dark magic ritual to get him to perform a Bruno Mars song. EW explains: 

Keyboard Cat has been resurrected in his new incarnation to play a song during the Puppy Bowl’s Kitty Halftime Show (the magic and charm of Keyboard Cat need not be constrained to one fur-body; he’s like Shamu or Santa).

It's probably as good a time as any to remind you that Shamu killed someone. Just chew on that. 

"Perma-Kittens" Are Scary

Lil' Bub via YouTube

The other half of this feline tag team is "Lil Bub", an underdeveloped, mouth-breathing cat. If this cat were human, he or she would be operating the tilt-a-whirl at your county fair with an unchecked thyroid. This is just more proof cat people are strange. 

Cat People Are Not Worth It 


This world is divided between the 82 percent of good people who love dogs and the 18 percent of people who like cats. You know who was a cat person? Mussolini was a cat person. But that might not be here nor there. What matters here is that cat people aren't watching the puppy bowl— that's partly because their hearts don't know what love is like and they don't know any better. They've resigned themselves to loving creatures incapable of loving them back (they share this trait with Shia LaBeouf fans). 

They probably don't even want to read news about the puppy bowl, and at this point, they're so deep in their cat love that they two cats won't change their mind. We then come to the unavoidable question: Why would Animal Planet do this?

Animal Planet Is Greedy

To answer the previous question, you have to look at the Hallmark Channel. Last year, they announced they were creating an inferior product to compete with the Puppy Bowl: The Kitten Bowl. Animal Planet wants to be the king of cute, Super Bowl alternative programming, and adding cats could give them the kind of ammunition to destroy the Kitten Bowl. And clearly, they don't mind if they lose some true fans of the Puppy Bowl along the way.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.