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Last week New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo insulted New York conservatives by implying that people who are "right-to-life, pro-assault-weapon, anti-gay" don't have a place in the state. What he meant, of course, is that the Republican party can't sustain itself in a blue state without being moderate, but, as Jon Stewart put it, what people heard was "Fuck you, you fucking fucks."

And so Sean Hannity, of Fox News fame, is thinking of leaving, either to Texas or Florida. Florida Gov. Rick Scott made his case on Hannity's show, noting that Florida is warmer than New York and has some decent fishing. "And," Stewart added, "between the gators and the possums and the palmetto bugs no one here's even noticed that I'm a hairless snake man." With Scott being half reptile, half man, Texas Gov. Rick Perry reached out and told Hannity he'd be welcomed to Texas as a true friend. Because Perry, unlike Cuomo, is inclusive... like the time he told Texan gays that they should maybe move somewhere with more "lenient" marriage laws. 

But the real reason Hannity wants to leave is because his 10 percent state income tax is paying for "the takers." "If he goes, they'll be one less state funded cocaine party for our homeless," Stewart said. And so Stewart turned to Nathan Lane, Tim Gunn, the cast of Jersey Boys and the people of New York to keep Hannity at home. As the Jersey Boys crooned, "Who would we tax 'til his money was gone/who would we impose socialism upon?" If he agreed to stay, good, honest New Yorkers said they will:

  • "We'll make Sex and the City tours Sean and the City tours."

  • "Yo, if you stay, we'll cut off our hoodies."

  • "We're in love, but we'll marry women instead."

  • "We'll stop selling halal food. We will sell apple pie."
  • "That Keystone pipeline? We'll run it right through Central Park, no fuckin' problem."
  • "We'll name a street after Reagan. Hell, we'll name them all after Reagan."


This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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