The Amateur Rich Kid's Guide to the 'Rich Kids of Beverly Hills'

The most damning portrayal of wealth and gluttony this year isn't in Scorsese's Wolf of Wall Street, Luhrmann's Great Gatsby, or Allen's Blue Jasmine. It's actually on the E! network, on a show called #Rich Kids of Beverly Hills.

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Rich Kid Dorothy Wang displaying her "selfie faces"

The most damning portrayal of wealth and gluttony this year isn't in Scorsese's Wolf of Wall Street, Luhrmann's Great Gatsby, or Allen's Blue Jasmine. It's actually on the E! network, on a show called #Rich Kids of Beverly Hills.(Yes, that's a hashtag.)

The show follows the lives of Morgan Stewart and Dorothy Wang, two very capable Mean Girls-esque narrators as they traipse and traverse through the shops, night clubs, bars, and mansions of Beverly Hills and Hollywood with their circle of friends. Wang, Stewart, and the show's editors are determined to show you these girls are as vapid as they are wealthy. That involves flashing Givenchy bags, delivering cutting remarks about "groupers", and talking about the definition of their jawlines in rapid-fire monologues parading as conversations.

One of the episodes taught us about minorities and tolerance.

Watching these two and their crew of Plastics talk about wealth and "poor" people (who aren't poor) is pretty gut-wrenching and reprehensible, not unlike the characters on Girls; but it's also strangely hypnotic, not unlike The Hills was. That said #Rich Kids of Beverly Hills features more likeable characters than Girls and smarter, more aware, and more textured characters than The Hills , and we cannot help ourselves.

The most riveting and perhaps entertaining part of this show is that these creatures have created their own lexicon. To that end, we've decided to delve into this strange ecosystem of portmanteaus and metaphors, to give you all you need to know about the #RKOBH:

A is for Asian Fetish. This is when someone goes up to you (assuming you are Asian) and tells you that they are into Asian guys or girls. Don’t date that person.

B is for Barneys. It is crucial to live within a reasonable distance (5 miles) to this high-end department store.

B is also for Boobs. Boobs are great until they prevent you from working out (“I look like I’m from Kenya, my tits are sagging below my waist” — Morgan). Boobs are also a great jumping off point to start a blog.

B is also for Birkins. These are very expensive bags, especially if you get them in alligator or crocodile. No matter how expensive the bag is, it is an ultimate embarrassment to show up to a shopping excursion and have the same Birkin as your shopping buddy.

B is also for Bitch Brow. This is the name for when a rich kid furrows her brow when someone she doesn't like crosses into her line of sight. This is not recommended because it's not worth it to waste your face's precious collagen on someone you don't like.

A #blackcardworkout in action

B is also for #BlackCardWorkout. This is when you go on a big shopping spree and give your American Express Black Card a “workout.”

B is also for Burn 60. Burn 60 is a tough workout. Probably equivalent to spinning. This is not that different from giving your Black Card a workout.

C is for Christian Louboutin. Loubs are a rich girl’s shoe of choice. Make sure you show off the red sole. Loubs are also a great jumping off point to start a blog. Morgan's blog is called Boobs and Loubs.

D is for Daytime Friends: According to the rules of Beverly Hills’ rich kids, there are people who you see at night who you’re not supposed to see in the day.

D is also for Dom Perignon. Every rich kid’s favorite champagne.

D is also for Diapery. If your shorts are diapery, do not go to the pool party. You will be sent home.

A burgeoning subplot of #RKOBH

E is for Ex-Fat. The running subplot of #RKOBH is whether or not Morgan and Dorothy will revert to their alleged natural forms. They claim that each day is a battle against being chubby or fat.

F is for Followers. The more, the better.

F is also for Funemployed and Fabuluxe. This is Dororthy’s life motto. It means you don’t have a job, but you have a lot of nice things.

F is also for Filters. As Dorothy likes to say, “filters are our friends.” You need to pick the right one to apply to your perfectly-cropped selfie.

G is for G4 Status. Even though you may be rich, you can completely surprise someone who is aware of your richness by taking them on a private jet.

G is for Grouper. According to Beverly Hills rich kids (who are not certified marine biologists) Groupers are apparently bottom- feeding fish that pick up everything in its path (including nickels) while it traverses the ocean floor. Rich kids Dorothy and Morgan use this term to talk about people who are third-string party invites.

H is for Hashtags. It’s important to add hashtags like #fabuluxe to your Instagrams so fans can find you on the popular page.

H is also for House Party. House parties should never involve more than 15 people. Big house parties in Beverly Hills are considered suspicious because someone inviting 100s of people to his house must be trying to compensate for something. Like Gatsby.

I is for Instagram. This is where it all started. While there is no formal relationship between the E! program and the popular Tumblr, we wouldn’t have Rich Kids of Beverly Hills without the Rich Kids of Instagram.

J is for Jean shorts. They can’t be too short, even if it is Mexico.

K is Kardashian. Kim's reality show shares the same network, but she wasn’t born in Beverly Hills. Strike one.

L is for Late. It is fashionable to be late, but watch out if you show up an hour late to Morgan’s anniversary dinner with her boyfriend. (“By Dorothy being late, by whoever being late, [it] adds stress to me, specifically, because then my boyfriend gets upset with me for inviting people who are late to our anniversary.”)

L is also for Likes. The more, the better.

M is for Mansion Hunting. While a rich kid will never stop taking their parents' money, they will move into their own mini-mansion at around age 25.

M is also for Malibu Beach Boy Swag. The patron saint of MBBS is Brody Jenner. Do with that what you will.

M is also for Montezuma’s Revenge. This is traveler’s diarrhea. This is usually horrible. But a couple of the rich kids swear by it because it could make them skinnier.

N is for Nails. Nails are never supposed to be chipped because Morgan’s mom told seven-year-old her that chipped nails makes people think of dirty underwear. Dirty underwear is not cute.

O is for One-Year Anniversary. This is the perfect time to surprise loved ones with G4 status.

P is for Philanthropy. Giving back to the community is important, but be careful when holding a Beverly Hills blood drive. You might offend your rich gay friend.

Q is for nothing. There are no words that start with Q, not even in the Beverly Hills lexicon.

R is for Real Estate. This is a great career for your boyfriend to have, so he can show your girlfriends cool multi-million dollar apartments.

R is also for Rodeo Drive. The only place to shop is a challenging one because of hills. If you shop here, you run the risk of sweating between your breasts.

S is for Selfies. This is the expression of your truest self — make sure the lighting is perfect.

S is also for Splitsies. This is a cute term for splitting the bill. You’re not allowed to split the bill unless the bill reaches six figures.

S is also for South of La Brea or Santa Monica. These are places or areas in Los Angeles that are close to Beverly Hills where lots of rich people live. Though they are fine for regular rich people, these places are not even considered when you go mansion hunting.

T is for Trendable. A trendable photo on Instagram is one that is themed around your outfit. In the mansion-hunting episode, we see Dorothy take a trendable of Morgan when Morgan's purse matches the bathroom of a potential new apartment.

U is for UV rays. Essential for the perfect southern California tan.

V is for VH1 Drama. This is what happens when your friends get out-of-control mad at you, i.e. “It got very VH1.”

W is for Working Out. No one likes to work out, but you should meet with a personal trainer at least once a week and then complain the whole time.

X is where you have to sign for your $400,000 Barneys purchase.

Y is for Yachting. Yachting is cute.

Z is for Zip code. 90210 is the only acceptable one to have.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.