The night was rank with the smell of blood and the anger of men, when Paris Hilton scrawled a message to House Lohan and all the citizens of Westeros: "They both will pay for what they did. No one f---- with my family and gets away with it!!"
Hilton's blood feud with the Lohans was rekindled after a relatively quiet two years of fragile peace. At the Art Basel Soiree over the weekend in the Summer City known as Miami, a former New York Times scribe allegedly attacked and struck Barron because he was insulting Lohan behind her back.
"You talk s–t about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get," Lohan, the Red Queen of the East, allegedly said before sending her mercenary for Hilton blood. Lohan herself said that she knew nothing of the altercation.
Paris, the dwindling light of West Hollywood, was stepping in to defend her brother Barron's honor. Hilton's message was spread far and wide because it was posted on Instagram. In recent years, men and women like Hilton had found alternatives to the wings of ravens to deliver their mortal threats. Messages on Instagram are not written on paper, and House Lohan would have no excuse to have not seen it or pretend to lose it in her satchel and its lining of sticky nickels.
The feud is the latest in a history of fights between the two families in this crooked kingdom. And while there is the surface-level tension of one family attempting to assert dominance over the other, there are also bigger power plays at hand, in which the bigger target of both families may be the Kardashian stranglehold over the press.
But that might be getting ahead of ourselves. In order to fully appreciate this blood feud, here's a brief primer:
The Key Players
Coat of Arms: A flame
Motto: "I think my biggest focus for myself is learning how to continue to get through the trauma that my father has caused in my life," -- Lindsay, Red Queen of the East.
Background: As a bright and young queen hailing from New York City, Lohan had a promising future and was picked by many to be the next kind and gentle ruler of Westeros. Ultimately, however, she was brought down to the lower ranks of society thanks in large part to her parents, Michael and Dina, and her love of drink. The Lohans to this day cannot wash the taste of fame and power from their mouths and yearn for Lindsay's rule that never was.
Coat of Arms: A golden kraken
Motto: "The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in." -- Lady Paris
Background: It's rumored that the Hiltons are not unlike the flora that covers this land. They seek and are nourished by light — hence their penchant for seeking flashbulbs and attention in the dreariest of locales and dimmest of sex tapes. The Hiltons, sisters Nicky and Paris, once dominated the society of Westeros until they were usurped by the people they helped rise to power.
Coat of Arms: a Hydra
Motto: "I work very hard, I have so many things going on in my life. Get to know me and see who I am." -- Kim Kardashian, the Bound.
Background: The current rulers of Westeros and its tabloids, the Kardashians are known for adapting, surviving, and conquering. Divorces, sex tapes, alleged usage of crack — to any other family, these would be paralyzing setbacks but the Kardashians have figures out a way to monetize them and spin them into gold without comprising their power. House Lohan and House Hilton would love that gift, and the Kardashians' power.
The Power Struggle
Here is why the Hiltons and Lohans might be jealous of the Kardashians's fame. This is a Google Trends chart showing interest in Paris (Blue), Kim (Red), and Lindsay (Yellow) over time. Notice how the yellow and blue lines have fallen off in recent months:
And notice the trend in recent days, with Hilton (blue) almost achieving the Google fame that Kardashian (red) has thanks to the alleged attack on Barron:
1986: Lindsay Lohan is born.
2001: The infamous One Night in Paris is filmed. The Hiltons are at their peak here, which will see their reign stretch for another six years.
2004: One Night in Paris is released, fueling Hilton's power and time in the spotlight. The Simple Life, a television show with Paris and Nicole Ritchie, runs from 2003-2007. In April of this year, Mean Girls was released to movie houses—also signifying peak Lohan.
May 2006: The Hilton-Lohan Blood Feud begins in an L.A. nightclub called Hyde. The two were trashing one another, and allegedly, Lohan had been seeing Paris's boy-toy Stavros Niarchos.
May 17, 2006: Hilton is seen in the infamous "firecrotch" tirade video. "Firecrotch" of course, is the ultimate disrespect to a Lohan. Though she does not insult House Lohan's coat of arms directly, she is seen in a video laughing while her friend, Brandon Davis, does.
November 2006: Lohan allegedly calls Hilton the c-word. Lohan then denies it, stating, "I never said that. I love Paris. Paris is my friend."
November 27, 2006: Paris, Lindsay, and Britney Spears hang out. Worlds are broken. What once was, will never will be. Meanwhile, Hilton's star power begins to fade.
2007: Kim Kardashian's sex tape is released around the time when The Simple Life and the Hiltons wore out their respective welcomes. Lindsay Lohan turns 21 this year. Keeping up with the Kardashians, a serious documentary series filming House Kardashian debuts.
May 2007: Lindsay Lohan enters rehab. Fighting at clubs is difficult when you enter rehab.
Sometime in 2008: Hilton and Lohan are friends again. Hilton tells Glamour magazine in January 2009 that the two houses are not sparring. " I saw her a month ago and she was really sweet and seemed really happy and we're all adults now," Hilton says. Meanwhile, the spark of Kardashian burns stronger.
2009: The End of the Alliance. The last time Paris and Kim are photographed in public with one another is February 2009, according to the Huffington Post. This also marks the Kardashian rise to power.
September 2010: While the Kardashians assert their dominance over American culture, Hilton and Lohan are making headlines about being at a party together. Syringes also made an appearance at the party. No, syringes is not the name of a Kardashian.
May 6, 2011: Hilton has a reality show where she insults Lindsay Lohan because a woman at a shelter confused the two. "If I was Lindsay, I'd be stealing the earrings, not giving them away," Hilton said.
July 26, 2011: Hilton and Lohan are spotted in Malibu together partying at Hilton's beach house. Friendship is renewed— almost everyone is too busy counting down the days to when Kim Kardashian and her docile Dothraki husband, Kris Humphries, will divorce.
August 5, 2011: Hilton and Lohan are allegedly BFFs again, bonding over the fact that they are just Hollywood footnotes. "They both feel screwed over by Hollywood and their older friends," a source tells Us Weekly. The Kardashians' coup of Westeros is complete.
December 6-9: Blood at Art Basel. Barron is attacked and then posts images of his injuries on Instagram. Paris retaliates with threats of unnamed violence— also on Instagram. The New York Post declares that the Lohan noble who punched Hilton is actually a former New York Times blogger named Ray Lemoine. The blood feud begins again. Winter is coming.