Awfulpocalypse: Charlie Sheen Takes on 'Duck Dynasty'

Today in celebrity gossip: Charlie Sheen tweeted a bizarre takedown of Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, Mariah Carey walked her dog in the snow while wearing a bikini, and Enrique Iglesias won't stop talking about his small penis.

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Today in celebrity gossip: Charlie Sheen tweeted a bizarre takedown of Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, Mariah Carey walked her dog in the snow while wearing a bikini, and Enrique Iglesias won't stop talking about his small penis.

It's been a long time since Charlie Sheen merited any further attention from those of us who would prefer to live happy lives and similarly it's now time for Duck Dynasty's homophobic patriarch Phil Robertson to join him in that oblivion of forgotten garbage. But here's maybe one exception related to these guys that's amusing enough to care about: They're now feuding! That's right, two of the most awful people in recent pop culture memory are now facing off! Like dark matter versus a black hole, what happens when two malignant forces clash? In this case, what happens is a truly bizarre Twitter rant courtesy of Charlie Sheen. Ostensibly in defense of his "so many dear [gay] friends," yesterday Charlie Sheen unleashed some kind of e.e. cummings-esque poem directed at Phil Robertson calling his recent anti-gay statements "abhorrently and mendaciously unforgivable" (which, okay, sure) but then ended with the baffling threat "on the eight [sic] day when I was whittling my cosmic banjo, I'm pretty sure YOU were the scattered dross I then used to light a fire and locate the nearest Andy Gump." So, uh. Advantage Charlie Sheen? Look, guys, Charlie Sheen is garbage, but so is this whole Duck Dynasty situation. We might as well garner SOME enjoyment out of it, right? Even if Charlie Sheen is just trying to get attention by using the same crazy lingo that everyone found so amusing a few years ago, at least it's for the purposes of good? Unless he's actually hurting the cause of those who might agree with him? I don't know. If only Chris Brown could jump in here and make it a three-way battle royale. It'd be a Christmas miracle! [TMZ]

Mariah Carey made headlines recently for performing a private show for the reigning dictator of Angola, but at least according to her manager Jermaine Dupri she is NOT sorry about it. First off, were you aware that Mariah Carey's manager is Jermaine Dupri? The late-90s music producer who nearly destroyed Janet Jackson's career? He's now managing Mariah Carey and setting up gigs for her with corrupt African dictators? That strikes me as a more pressing issue for Mariah Carey at this point. Watch out, girl, Jermaine Dupri is now giving interviews about you in which he claims you have "no interest" in human rights matters. For her part Mariah Carey has not publicly answered to any human rights groups and instead has been vacationing in Aspen where she walked her dog in the snow while wearing only a red bikini. Yep, that's her in the below Instagram, which she captioned "It's just a tradition." There you have it! It's just a tradition. [Page Six, Us Weekly]

Speaking of '90s celebrities, newly single Enrique Iglesias attended a meet-and-greet with his Miami fans last week where he gave a Q&A in which he would not stop talking about his small penis. First he admitted that he goes skinny dipping "if there are no paparazzi around," which is charming in that it implies Enrique Iglesias believes that paparazzi might be after him for some reason. But when asked where he goes skinny dipping--Where? WHERE?--Enrique Iglesias responded "I'm not going to tell you because it would ruin my career. There's not a lot to show off." Haha, okay Enrique Iglesias. Self-deprecation from a handsome man. We'll allow it. But then somebody asked him what his worst defect was and Enrique Iglesias replied "My worst defect is from my waist down." Oookay, that's enough, Enrique Iglesias. But he wouldn't stop! "I'm sorry, no, that's not my worst defect... But it is a little curved." Great, now we know so much more about Enrique Iglesias' small, curved penis. We are ALL Anna Kournikova now. [Page Six]

A new biography about Cher is due to hit the shelves soon and one of the weirder passages in what should hopefully be a very weird book details the time Cher hired a full-time employee tasked with personally answering fan letters from people demanding to know what gender Cher was. Just a normal job, basically! The book, Josiah Howard's Cher: Strong Enough, explains that people were so baffled by the then 19-year-old's husky voice and mannish demeanor that Cher wanted to make sure every single rumor was quashed right away. Which, I mean, sure, that makes no sense, but this is Cher we're talking about so anything's possible. The craziest thing is that apparently in the mid-1960s fans of Cher used to sit down at their typewriters or pads of purple stationery and politely ask Cher what gender she was? What was going ON in the '60s? How very dare they? Anyway, this book sounds pretty good. There also promises to be a part that describes the night Cher's friend Alan Gorrie (bassist of the Average White Band) accidentally snorted tons of heroin and Cher's gynecologist advised her how to induce vomiting and keep him from lapsing into a coma. What kind of man has a gynecologist? Case closed. [Page Six]

Statistically, this was just bound to happen. Recently in India a billboard was raised in honor of the late Nelson Mandela. Except whoops! That wasn't a picture of Nelson Mandela on the billboard, it was Morgan Freeman! First off, in defense of the person who'd misused Google Image Search: Morgan Freeman is easily as inspiring and important to history as Nelson Mandela, if only for his performance in Dreamcatcher. But secondly, even though Morgan Freeman DID play Nelson Mandela in Clint Eastwood's Invictus, most people were too mesmerized by the sight of Matt Damon in rugby shorts to truly pay attention to whatever was happening in the rest of the movie. So, you know. Honest mistake. Somewhere up in heaven, Nelson Mandela smiles down upon that billboard whispering, "Thank you, India." [Daily Mail]

And finally, the Angel of Christmas has descended from the heavens! Hark, a perfect being made by the Lord Himself and bestowed upon this earth to bring peace and beauty to all of mankind for this our most festive holiday. The reason for the season, thy name is Rihanna.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.