Today in celebrity gossip:Cory Booker has a girlfriend all of a sudden, Justin Bieber is back in America but is not yet free from persecution, and Mariah Carey hated being on American Idol.
Well this is interesting. Amid some swirling debate about the nature of his sexuality — is he gay? is he straight? can angels even have a sexuality? — it seems that Cory Booker, newly elected senator from the unfortunate but necessary state of New Jersey, has found himself a girlfriend. And what a girlfriend! Like Booker, she's a Yale law school grad, only she didn't go into anything as cynical and self-serving as politics. No, she's an entertainment lawyer out in the sun-blessed paradise known as Hollywood, where she does the earnest, thankless, but karmically rewarding work of helping movie stars get the most money possible in contract negotiations. So he's the shrewd go-getter, she's the cock-eyed optimist do-gooder, and I guess it's quite the complement. They've been together since she co-hosted a fundraiser for his campaign at a fancy restaurant in West Hollywood. Which... wait, why was a New Jersey senate campaign having a fundraiser at one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants in Los Angeles? The hell is going on here? Well, who knows. The point is... Uh, I guess the point is that if anyone ever writes an article about you that starts with "Despite being famously noncommittal about his sexuality," I'm very sorry, because that must be very strange. [Page Six]
Oh thank god. After a disastrous tour around the mysterious continent known to locals as "South America," Justin Bieber is finally home on good real American soil. His cute little private jet landed in sweet ol' Southern California yesterday, bringing the boy-king back to safety. Though, of course, the world continues to conspire against him — because the world is jealous, because the world looks at Justin Bieber, sees his downy-cheecked face and is envious of his youth, glares at his high-pompadoured hair and wishes for his boldness and daring, hears the cool croons of his music and thinks "I want it! I want it!" The world is jealous of Justin Bieber, and because the world cannot be Justin Bieber, which is all the world wants, the world has decided to punish him. And so even though the lad was back on American soil, free from the crude slings and arrows of those Southern Americans, he was still punished, cruelly. His private jet was searched by customs agents, as if Justin Bieber would be smuggling anything bad, anything illicit. A boy, sweet and innocent as he! O cruel place, cruel blue marble spinning in the lonely aether. Why must you torment this boy so? And then, what's this? South America is still not done with him! It seems that our childlike emperor could face actual legal charges in Argentina if officials find him suspect of desecrating the Argentine flag — a silly stupid sun caught between two blue nothings. See, what happened was that someone at one of Bieber's concerts in Argentina threw a towel emblazoned with the flag's image onto the stage and Justin used it to mop up the floor, so people are saying he was disrespectful of the flag. Which... what about the teen weirdo who threw the dang thing up on the stage? Who were they, Eva Peron? Some national hero? No, they threw the flag, which was a towel actually and not really a flag, onto the stage. This is silly. Stop your persecution, you horrid Nazi retirement community. How dare you. How dare. When will this assault on poor Justin Bieber end? What must this beautiful soul do to earn back fate's good graces? Pee in another bucket? If it's pee in another bucket, he's more than capable of doing that. We all know that. [Daily Mail; TMZ]