Today in celebrity gossip: There were rumors that Angelina Jolie bought Brad Pitt an island but they're not true, and the royal hairdresser seriously screws up.
Hey, look, let's clear something up: Though there were rumors that Angelina Jolie bought her life partner Brad Pitt a $20 million heart-shaped island in upstate New York for his 50th birthday, she did not. That didn't happen. The actress did not buy the actor an island in Lake Mahopac for $20 million, though there were reports that she did do that, as a birthday present. The island in question is called Brangelina Island — wait no sorry that's not right because she did not buy the island for him. The island is actually called Petra Island and and is the site of two homes designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. The daughter of the owners says that it is still for sale, so you can buy it if you want, for just $20 million. But I am sorry to tell you all, mostly the teenagers who were planning on swimming out there this summer and breaking into Brad and Angelina's house, that Jolie did not buy Pitt an island for his birthday. We don't know what she bought him for his birthday, but it was not an island in Putnam County. Whatever she did buy, it probably pales in comparison now. "Oh, thanks, what a nice watch..." Brad says a bit dejectedly, because though he knows he doesn't need an island, for a minute there it seemed like he might get one. And a watch is not an island. It's just not. Nothing is an island except, well, an island. [Page Six]
Dear Anglican god in heaven. Duchess Kate has fired her hairdresser. The royal coiffeur was a man named James Pryce but he was stripped of his title after it was discovered that he had posted photos of the someday Queen of England on his Facebook and Twitter pages. Crimes! Crimes against the crown! The whole of London is abuzz about this most treasonous act, all the children giddily singing little rhymes about Execution Day, songs like "Old James Pryce once cut our Kate's coif / But now he's having his head lopped off!" and "James Pryce, James Pryce, he put the Duchess on Twitter / James Pryce, James Pryce, they're throwing him in the shitter!" They sing these nasty little rhymes as the royal carpenters build the platform where the beheading will take place and James Pryce sits in a ratty cell in the Tower and awaits his terrible, but deserved, fate. You only get one chance with the Duchess, and he, well, royally screwed it up. So there will be a public execution ceremony, a good chance to remind the people of the royal family's power and might, and then there will be a great feast, with a loaf of bread given to each household and free ales and meads at every public house from Trafalgar Square to Stepney Green. So in many ways, it's a merry occasion. The people of England thank you, James Pryce. May god have most benevolent mercy on your soul. [Jezebel]