Goodbye, Johnny Weir

Today in celebrity gossip: Johnny Weir is hanging up his skates, Prince George can finally get into heaven, and Pauly D is in a bitter custody case.

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Johnny Weir, the straitlaced, run-of-the-mill figure skater who gave technically proficient but stylistically simple performances throughout his long career, is retiring from the sport. Just kidding! I mean, he is retiring, but we all know that Johnny Weir was the funnest, most flamboyant figure skater since the great Surya Bonaly. (Remember her backflips, always.) Weir announced his retirement on the Today show this morning, coming as something of a surprise, considering Weir had spoken a lot about competing in February's Sochi games. But the reality is that he probably wasn't going to qualify, so this is a better way to, y'know, save face. But don't worry! You'll still have plenty of Johnny Weir in your life. He's going to be a correspondent for NBC during the games, likely interviewing members of the Duma about the country's controversial anti-gay laws and, I dunno, teaching a man dressed in a big Fievel costume how to salchow. Really he could do anything, because he's Johnny Weir. Meanwhile, we'll be looking at the figure skating lineup a little more closely now, to see who might fill Weir's fabulous spot. I'd urge Brian Joubert to think about stepping up, because none of us would mind that, I don't think. [Us Weekly]

The Royal Christening is under way! Yes it's time to make sure that Prince George Alexander Louis can get into heaven, and so the royals have descended upon St. James's Palace in London to dip the child in ceremonial water, say a few hexes and spells, slit the throat of a Yorkshire badger, and offer up its carcass to most holy Wōden. Prince George will be dressed in a replica of an old ceremonial christening gown that was used to baptize the likes of Queen Victoria's daughter. Prince William will also wear an old frilly lace gown, but not for ceremonial purposes, just because that's what he's taken to wearing around the house lately. No one's sure why. Pippa and Prince Harry will be among the people doing readings, while Prince Charles and Camilla will host a slammin' after party at Clarence House, where they live. ("Out, Clarence! This is our house now, by royal decree," Charles said one day with an aristocratic sneer. Poor Clarence.) The godparents have also been named. There are seven of them, including the parents of the adorable girl who covered her ears on the balcony during the royal wedding. You know the one. Interestingly, neither Harry nor Pippa are godparents, though I'm sure there's some ancient bylaw as to why that is. Probably they figure that were an assassination or coup to happen, the rebels would take out the siblings too. Tidier that way, really. Though I suppose Prince George himself would be a target. At least he'll get to heaven now, should the Norsemen or the Normans invade. At least there's that. [Us Weekly; People]

"Ja Rule wants to write cookbook of microwaveable recipes." That's Page Six's headline about the rapper Ja Rule, who was big in the late '90s and early '00s, saying that he wants to write a cookbook, but that every recipe has to be done in the microwave, because that's how he learned how to cook. Is it still cooking if it's all done in the microwave? I don't know. But at least we now know that Ja Rule wants to write a microwave cookbook. Isn't it important that we know that? I think it is. [Page Six]

Pauly D from Jersey Shore is involved in a custody battle with the mother of his five-month-old daughter. She wants full custody, he wants full custody, they "hate each other," according to TMZ, so things are not going well. The baby was conceived during a one night stand in Las Vegas, so it's kind of crazy that it didn't work out. What's crazier is that Pauly D is saying that the woman is an unfit mother partly because she used to work at Hooters. Which... Um, you are commonly known as "Pauly D" because of a reality show called Jersey Shore that you were on. Compared to that, working at Hooters is like being a docent at the Met. (I realize they don't get paid, but respectability wise.) Compared to being famous for being on Jersey Shore, working at Hooters is like being an appraiser of 19th century French art for Sotheby's. Honestly, Pauly. Have a little self-awareness, huh? And really, to the both of you, I'm sure the child is a wonderful blessing, but be a little more careful next time. Come on. [TMZ]

"Ronan Farrow’s new show to be for ‘the average Joe’" Another Page Six headline. Ha. Ahahaha. Granted, in the actual quote, Farrow didn't mean it exactly as you might think. He didn't mean in the broader scheme of things, he meant in the sense of the average person who watches MSNBC. I don't think Ronan Farrow thinks his show is for, like, Teamsters and coal miners. Not that those people can't or don't watch MSNBC, it's just that that term, "Average Joe," denotes a sort of blue collar, regular American kind of a guy. Not MSNBC's demographic, I don't think. I would wager that there is marketing research to back that claim up. So no, Ronan Farrow probably isn't going to be sitting back in his chair while interviewing a senator and saying, "So what're you fatcats doin' down there? Huh? The hell's goin' on? I wanna know, what's gonna put a steak on my table. Huh?" That will probably not happen. Though sweet Christmas I wish that it would. I really do. [Page Six]

Leonardo DiCaprio has ordered spinach and artichoke dip three times at the same restaurant recently. He's been to the Merchants River House on Manhattan's West Side, all the way west, on the water, three times in the last week, each time ordering spinach and artichoke dip. Which, like, hey, we all have a thing, we all have a favorite. And Leo DiCaprio's no fancy type, he's not puttin' on airs. He just likes a good dip, like you and me. He's an Average Joe, y'know. Payin' $12 for spinach and artichoke dip just like the rest of us. That's good to know, y'know? [People]

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