Culture

There's No Need to Hire Arnold Schwarzenegger for 'Avatar 2' or Anything Really

Thanks to the public's unquenched nostalgia for Lisa Frank folders, Saved by the Bell, and 'NSYNC reunions, the '90s are back. But there's one relic that doesn't need dusting off: Arnold Schwarzenegger the movie star.

By Brian Moylan
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Thanks to the public's unquenched nostalgia for Lisa Frank folders, Saved by the Bell, and 'NSYNC reunions, the '90s are back. But there's one relic that doesn't need dusting off: Arnold Schwarzenegger the movie star.

The ever reliable Latino Review has it from their excellent sources that James Cameron is thinking about hiring the once and future Governator to star as the villain in his planned Avatar sequel that will be Technicolor yawning all over IMAX screens in 2016. In the immortal words of The Comeback's Aunt Sassy, "I don't want to see that!" Seriously, no.

I'm not going to go into some Internet frenzy about how the casting is all wrong like everyone did with Ben Affleck as Batman. No. I'm sure Arnold would be fine as the villain in a James Cameron masterpiece. I mean, he's done it before. It's not a role that necessarily requires a lot of nuance or skill to pull off what is sure to be a heavy-handed part in a ham-fisted allegory about saving the Earth.

I just never want to look at Arnold's face ever again. It's as simple as that. Unlike everything else from the '90s like slap bracelets and Pogo Balls (searching BuzzFeed for Pogo Ball post now) that sat on a shelf and let us gin up some esprit de corps for them, Arnold was around. Boy was he around, with the running for office and the illegitimate children and wearing a bitchy T-shirt about Maria. God, Arnold really overstayed his welcome and now, well, maybe he and Mel Gibson should move to Santa Fe together and open a bed and breakfast or something. Don't come back to the movies.

It's not like he was ever really an actor. He was someone you wanted to see. But now I don't want to see Arnold anymore, and based on the paltry amount of money that his last movie, The Last Stand, made neither does anyone else. So, James Cameron, you can do better. Get Bruce Willis, who can actually, you know, act. Hell, if you want to go nostalgic get Paul Reiser and he and Sigourney Weaver can have a Aliens reunion. Just, whatever you do, don't give Arnold another blockbuster.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.