Lindsey Graham Gives Jon Stewart the Vapors

America managed to reach a peaceful solution in Syria through diplomacy, so everyone should be happy, right? Not exactly. As Jon Stewart found out on last night's Daily Show, there's more than one way to describe what went down.

America managed to reach a peaceful solution in Syria through diplomacy, so everyone should be happy, right? Not exactly. As Jon Stewart found out on last night's Daily Show, there's another way to describe what went down. For instance: "It means nothing, so this is a debacle," as Sen. Lindsey Graham, Republican of South Carolina, put it.

"'I have not seen a disaster such as this since I arrived at the Beauregard Cotillion with a magnolia in my hair when everyone else was wearing orchids,'" Stewart said, in his best antebellum belle voice. "'I mean, talk about a debacle.'" Why can't Graham just let narrowly-avoided-war bygones be bygones? Well, like a lot of politicians, he wanted to punish Assad.

"'I wanted to see him squirm,'" Stewart continued. "'I wanted to tie Assad up and spank his taut — his taut Syrian — oh, I'm gettin' the vapors." We can read all about it in Fifty Shades of Graham, Stewart joked. My goodness.

Graham wasn't the only one disappointed by the diplomatic solution. One journalist said "I have never seen a fiasco like this from a U.S. president." Stewart came up with two possible reasons why he might feel that way. Either he's six months old — "He's one of them Benjamin Button types" — or he doesn't know what the word fiasco means. "'What, a threesome with hot girls? But I'm supposed to go collect my lottery winnings right now. What a fiasco." But all the pro-bombing people shouldn't be too upset. An armed response is most likely never off the table. As Stewart pointed out, this is America — and have you seen the table?