Teenage girls are frisky, impure-thought-producing factories. They take selfies and ruin teenage boys. And once a sassy selfie is taken, it's impossible to not see that girl as anything but a crude sexual being. These are some of the lessons Texan mother Kim Hall is spreading to the 5 million or so people who have read her blog post "FYI to Teenage Girls."
Hall, director of women’s ministry at a Texas Presbyterian church, is giving teenage girls an ultimatum: get rid of pictures that she finds indecent — or else. The "or else" being, as far as we can tell, that Hall will prevent her boys from interacting with you. "I know that sounds so old-school, but we are hoping to raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls," Hall writes in the post. (Hall had to change her post because she had initially included pictures of her shirtless teen sons when giving this lesson out to teenage girls. People had pointed out and Hall realized the hypocrisy.)
In short: adolescent girls are making it difficult for Hall to raise her sons. Those girls need to stop doing whatever they are doing.
The post has been lauded by many on Hall's site, called slut-shaming by others, and even moved one person to cry for this generation's females, who can't but help to act super-sexual because of Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus and, well, a whole bunch of other bad stuff, most of which can be found in New York and California. The post, and the reactions it caused, taught me a lot about teenage girls. Just to be clear, I, myself, have never been a teenage girl. But here are some lessons I learned:
Girls in Towels = Sex
"I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage boys seeing you only in your towel," Hall writes. It's unclear if Hall plans on ever taking her sons to the beach. Hall goes on to hold girls responsible for what boys think and says it's a girl's own responsibility for making sure each boy sees her as a well-rounded, real person. "You don’t want our boys to only think of you only in this sexual way, do you?"
Men Have Great Memories When It Comes to Breasts
"Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it?" Hall asks. We sort of believe this one, actually.
Not Even Instagram Is Safe
"Last night, as we sometimes do, our family sat around the dining-room table and looked through the summer’s social media photos," Hall writes. I am sort of mystified by this pastime. Is the familial sifting of other people's social media feeds done after or before dinner? Is it done by iPad or iPhone? Regardless, the point is that Hall will scour social media in the name of propriety. "If you are friends with a Hall boy on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, then you are friends with the whole Hall family," Hall writes. You've been warned.
Wear a Bra, Whoever You Are
"For one, it appears that you are not wearing a bra," Hall writes to the faceless void of the Internet. Hopefully, that message has gotten to the bra-less teenage girl it was intended for, whoever the young lady is — though, given her undergarment indiscretions, a future friendship with a Hall scion is probably out of the question now.
It's a Teenage Girl's Fault That an Adult Spotted a Bra-less Photo That Made That Adult Think About Sex
It's unclear if Hall is talking to the same bra-less girl (see above), but she continues. "I can’t help but notice the red carpet pose, the extra-arched back, and the sultry pout. What’s up? None of these positions is one I naturally assume before sleep, this I know."
Even Lovely, Interesting Girls Don't Get Second Chances
Hall has extremely high standards. Maybe you are a young woman who is heading Princeton in hopes of becoming a doctor. Good for you. But that still might not cut it if you've been a little too carefree in your Internet postings:
That post doesn’t reflect who you are at all! We think you are lovely and interesting, and usually very smart. But, we had to cringe and wonder what you were trying to do? Who are you trying to reach? What are you trying to say?
And now – big bummer – we have to block your posts.
It's Easier to Shame Teenage Girls Than to Teach Boys Not to Be Jerks
Parenting is hard. Moralizing is easy. Any questions?