Did Alanis Morissette Hold Her Nanny Captive?

Today in celebrity gossip: Alanis Moissette's nanny is suing her, the royals have a new coat of arms, and a veteran Real Housewife is leaving her show.

Former angry Canadian person turned seemingly chill Canadian person Alanis Morissette is being sued by a former nanny who says that she was "effectively held ... hostage," according to the never hyperbolic TMZ. The nanny says that Morissette and her husband made this nanny work 12-hour shifts, and refused to let her leave the baby's room while the baby slept, even to get some food or pee or whatever. She could only leave if one of the parents was also in the room. So she's suing for $30,000 in unpaid overtime and $100,000 in damages, claiming emotional distress. What TMZ is not telling you is that Morissette also forced the nanny to listen to "Thank U" on repeat for hours. No, that's made up, but apparently it was not fun to work for Alanis Morissette in other ways! Which is sort of a bummer to hear. I've always liked her. She reminds of me something, y'know? Anyway. This is a Canadian lawsuit, so it'll be settled in a field with a moose wearing a flannel robe while everyone nods politely. That's just how things go up in that weird wonderland. [TMZ]

The horns are blaring in Covent Garden! In Brighton they are dancing in the sea, wet and briny but not caring. In Wolverhampton they are cracking ciders and kissing each other. In Saltcoats and Faikirk and chilly Dingwall they are donning their kilts and having right merry festivities. In Ballycastle they look at the graying picture of the Queen hung on their wooden walls and they throw another thin, brittle piece of coal on their fires, for they are very cold, but they are happy. Everyone is happy because the new Royal Family, meaning Prince William and his party supply heiress bride Kate and their son George Alexander Louis the Destroyer, has unveiled its new coat of arms. And it's quite something. It's a creature with a stag's body and a fire-red dragon's head, blood and viscera around the corners of its mouth, which is holding the mutilated body of a white-faced and bewigged fop (signifying the French) in its jaws. Around it are four Hyde Harriers popping wheelies while bikini-clad lasses hold SA80s and make the peace sign. All around this are hot flames and written above it all in Gothic script are the words "Windsor Or Die." It's great. It's really... No, I'm sorry. I cannot tell the lie any longer. It's actually just some dumb old unicorn and some stupid old lion humping up on Kate and Will's individual shields. That's all it is. It's so boring. It could have been so cool, but instead it's so dumb and boring. Though maybe I just gave Harry a good idea for his coat of arms. I feel like my idea will be slightly more acceptable than his current suggestion, which is "Two birds goin' at it, like minge and all, while I play a saxophone off to the side." I mean, the Queen likes his idea OK, but I think she'll love mine. [People]

Yesterday we hard that Alexis "Juggs" Bellino and Gretchen "I Have Sex With Slade Smiley" Rossi were fired from Real Housewives of Orange County. (I didn't tell you, because I didn't want you to hear it from me. That's something your parents need to talk to you about. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.) And today we hear that Caroline Manzo, fiery chieftain of the New Jersey clan, is hanging up her wooden whacking spoon. Yeah, she's quitting the show, citing irreconcilable differences. No, she's just filming her own Bravo pilot, a show with the brilliant title Manzo'd With Children, about her wacky family life with her husband, Billy Joel, and their grown-ass kids: Gleaming solar god Albie, withered dark prince Albie, and Lauren. That's all. She just wants to do her own thing. And can ya blame her? That viper pit was getting pretty uninhabitable there toward the end. So she's out. Back to the Brownstone. Gonna do her own thing. Warrior Caroline. Red-haired and ululating. Banging her shield. Gnashing her teeth. Ready for a battle all her own. [Us Weekly]

Heidi Klum loves her Halloween party! She has a big goofy All Hallows' Eve bash every year, and she loves it so much. This year she's going to have it at the Manhattan nightclub called Marquee. So, that's fun. Heidi always goes all-out with her costume, Page Six reminds us. In fact, "two years ago, Klum was three hours late to her own bash because she was having custom hair for her ape costume applied." Hahaha. Sure. OK. Go look at the ape costume and let me know if you think it was worth missing three hours of her own party. Oh Heidi! [Page Six]

Here's an article about Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn's son Wyatt Russell becoming an actor. Who really cares about that, but what I want you to do is go Google image search "Wyatt Russell" and then laugh and laugh and laugh as you say, "Yup, that's exactly what the son of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell would look like." Because he is exactly that. Exactly. To an eerie, comical degree. It's great. What a fun family. Good for them. [Page Six]