The Curious Incident of Alicia Keys in the Night-Time

Today in celebrity news: Alicia Keys had a party in the wrong house, Liam and Miley had problems for a while, and Mark Wahlberg is now a high school graduate.

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This is a funny and somewhat mysterious story! Apparently a woman awoke one night recently ("recently" is Page Six's word, there's no exact date) in her Hamptons beach house and heard noises in the kitchen. Assuming it was her daughter and her daughter's friends returning from a night out, she went downstairs to see them. Only, when she walked into her kitchen it wasn't her daughter at all. It was singer Alicia Keys, her husband Swizz Beats, and some of their friends. The lady of the house does not know Alicia Keys, her husband, or their friends, so naturally she was a bit puzzled about why they were having a little post-party in her kitchen. It seems that Keys and company were "confused," according to a Page Six source, and had meant to go back to the house they'd rented on the same road, but accidentally went into this house instead. There was no harm no foul, "all parties saw the humor in the mishap" says Page Six, so all's well. Which, OK, haha, strange thing. But I still have some questions. How did Keys and friends not notice that the house they were in was not the one they were staying in? Did the houses look that similar? Had they just arrived in the Hamptons and not really seen what their house looked like? This just seems odd. Coming home a little loopy and mistaking someone else's hotel room for yours would make sense — I've awoken to the sound of someone trying to key into my hotel room on more than one occasion — but a home is a private, non-generic, non-uniform thing, isn't it? It just seems very peculiar, this story! I'm glad everything was fine and that everyone laughed and now that lady in her Hamptons mansion has a good story to tell her friends — and her daughter! "I got to meet Alicia Keys and you didn't!" — but that doesn't make it any less strange. "Oh I'm sorry we thought this was our kitchen." "No worries, it happens." Except, it doesn't really happen? That's a very funny thing to be confused about, Alicia Keys. Ah well. We move on. Summer's over. File it in the Hamptons history drawer and look off toward fall. [Page Six]

A keening came across the sky yesterday when we heard the heartbreaking news that young provocatrix Miley Cyrus and her once-beloved slab of prime-grade Australian meat Liam Hemsworth have ended their engagement. Rumors had been swirling for months, as the two had barely been seen together all summer, but now it is confirmed. And it seems that Hemsworth has been tied up with another lady for some time. That lady? January Jones. An Us Weekly source says that the Mad Men star finds Hemsworth "so sexy" and that Hemsworth agrees and that they've been having a flirtation, or more, for months now. Hemsworth even sent her a sexual text message — known by teens as a "smessage" — involving the phrase "I want to [expletive] you." Oh my god, he wants to sh-t her?? What does that even mean?? Who knows with these Hollyweird stars, weirdos that they are. The point is, the young love between Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth is over, and they can both now pursue other people, other loves, other lives. Which is just fine. Cyrus is 20, Hemsworth 23, and those are good, fun ages to be single. I'm told. Of course Chris Hemsworth and I have been an old married couple since we were both 19, so we wouldn't know anything about the single life, but I've heard. I've heard that it can be fun. So enjoy it, you kids. Your elastic hearts will bounce back into shape and in a little while you'll be glad for everything, even the bad stuff. Dance on, Miley. Act on, Liam. Press on, world. [Us Weekly]

Mark Wahlberg, gajillionaire Hollywood star and producer, finally graduated from high school! Or got his online diploma, at least. Wahlberg says he wanted to get his diploma to set a good example for his children, who "are all wanting to do things in their future that require an education." Which is a good reason. There's nothing really to joke about here. It's a nice thing that he did it and feels a sense of accomplishment and that he's talking about possibly furthering his education, going to USC and studying film. Hm. I don't know that he really needs to do that, but if he wants to, why not. He's got the money. It's not like he's going to be paying student loans. But if he is going to go, he should wait until one of his kids is a college student and they can room together and have a hilarious reality show or something. Dirk's Dorm or The Perfect Dorm or something. Something dorm-related. Anyway, let's all congratulate Mark Wahlberg for doing this after all these years. May it be an inspiration to someone else out there who wants to continue their education. [People]

Just don't expect that person to be Jaden Smith. No, the heir to the Smith space-fortune has some pretty negative views on schooling. Us Weekly points us to some tweets Jaden sent out last week (I know, I know, it's old news to youngsters who follow him on Twitter, but we're running this thing on old person time, so it's fine to talk about now) that are very anti-school! Smith said things like "School Is The Tool To Brainwash The Youth." and "If Everybody In The World Dropped Out Of School We Would Have A Much More Intelligent Society." Which are sort of controversial things to say! But he also said "Education Is Rebellion." so I guess he means just like formal schooling is brainwashing? Not education in general? OK, fair enough, maybe he's making an argument for home schooling? Self-learning? There are arguments to be made there, I'm sure. But! He also said "If Newborn Babies Could Speak They Would Be The Most Intelligent Beings On Planet Earth." which makes no sense at all. Mostly because it's not true? If babies could talk they would very likely say things like "Holy hell what is everything???" and "Help! Things! New and terrible things!" and a lot of "I'd like some food now." Why does Jaden think that babies would be so smart? What does he know about babies that we don't? It's a little unsettling. Remember, this is a 15-year-old kid who grew up in really bizarre circumstances, so we should take it with all the grains of salt on Avery Island, but still. It's troubling. What would a baby say if a baby could talk? I posit that it would be something along the lines of "What in God's name is this bright world of mystery???" But Jaden thinks it would be something else, something far more intelligent, something more knowing. And that possibility chills me to the bone. [Us Weekly]

Here are some photos of Nick Jonas "passionately" hugging and kissing his girlfriend at his 21st birthday party. That's the Brits at the Daily Mail saying "passionately," so lower your expectations for passion. In fact, to me, the photos seem oddly posed and completely lacking in passion. Nick Jonas kissing his girlfriend, not seeming that into it. Huh. I wonder why that would be. Who knows! Who knows. [Daily Mail]

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