Stop Everything: Beyoncé Has Short Hair Now

Today in celebrity gossip: Holy hell what has Beyoncé done to her hair, Owen Wilson got screamed at at a restaurant, and Kate Upton has some things to say.

Where were you when you found out? That's something your children, and their children, and perhaps, if the medical world makes the right advances and you put down that hoagie and pick up a piece of celery, their children's children will ask you about the day when the world learned that Beyoncé, grand queen of all culture, has short hair now. The superstar took to Instagram yesterday to debut her new look — extensions out, real hair trimmed into something some are calling a pixie cut — and the world was forever changed. History, altered. Humanity marching on a new course. What prompted this new look? Why now? We may never know. Some mysteries dwell too deep in the hearts of strangers, dark and secretive places we can never reach. Maybe Beyoncé will speak out about this, maybe she will give us some words of explanation, bless us with the warm comfort of knowing. But it's all too likely that she will not. That she will continue on with the business of her life and expect us to do the same. And so we will wonder for all eternity. Some happy, some hopeless, all changed. All different, all new. Here in this nascent, just-born era. We, no longer able to follow Beyoncé's long tresses through the world, now in search of something else to guide us. [Us Weekly]

Here's a weird, funny story about some crazy art dealer guy, name of Tony Shafrazi (great name), walking up to actor Owen Wilson and American billionaire Peter Brant while they were eating at Da Silvano (Owen had "a dandelion and heirloom tomato salad") and straight-up screaming at them. Yup, he walked up to their table and started yelling. Tony Shafrazi sure was mad about something, bellowing "Why didn’t you call me back? What the [bleep] is wrong with you? . . . You are on my time, you are not on Hollywood time. It is so disrespectful." It is disrespectful to not call someone back, but perhaps not quite as disrespectful as screaming at someone at a restaurant? Not quite as bad as that, I don't think. It seems that Shafrazi is actually friends with the two, and that things have since cooled down, but at the moment it was pretty bad. After being berated for some time, Wilson said "Go [bleep] yourself" (I really hope both men actually said "bleep," it would be the perfect detail for this silly story) and walked away. Shafrazi then sat down with Brant and the two talked for an hour. Apparently Tony Shafrazi (still a great name) was upset because he'd been waiting for the other two at the wrong restaurant and when he tried to call them, they didn't answer. Shafrazi explained "After a long day’s work, I ended up at the wrong restaurant, Indochine. Having waited outside, I couldn’t get either of them on the telephone. I felt a little embarrassed waiting in the street." Hahaha. Man are rich people weird. You felt embarrassed standing on Lafayette for a little while using your cellphone, but you didn't feel embarrassed shrieking at two adult men in front of everyone at Da Silvano? OK, sure, whatever you say, Shafrazi. I don't get it, but I'll allow it. [Page Six]

Model Kate Upton, she of the generous frontal curves and whatnot, says that she "felt terrible" in the days after her first Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover hit the stands. Us Weekly characterizes the feeling as "objectified and ridiculed." Upton says "Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something." She further explains the plight of the model: "I'm not a toy, I'm a human. I'm not here to be used. I am a grown woman, and you need to figure your sh-t out." Ah. I see. I'm sure that Upton is a smart, interesting, multifaceted woman, but there's one thing I have a question about. What reaction did she expect from being on the cover of the freaking Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue? Calm and measured respect? Comments on the photographer's forceful use of lighting and shadow? I know that's treading into dangerous "asking for it" territory, and whatever louts said gross things to her are stupid jerks, but it seems odd to me that someone sensitive to these matters would say, "Yeah, but I'm going to do two Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covers anyway" and then complain to Elle magazine about being objectified. Modeling is a dumb career, is what I'm saying, and any time someone tries to defend it or make it mean something more than it does it always sounds ridiculous, no matter how valid someone like Upton's complaints about awful men treating her terribly are. I don't know. Sorry. This is probably bad of me. I just don't like models, male or female, saying "I'm not an object," when in fact their very livelihood for which they are paid obscene amounts of money, and the only reason they are being interviewed, is to be an object. Y'know? I dunno. [Us Weekly]

Jane Fonda was getting her hair did at a salon on 57th Street in Manhattan and got hungry, so she had the salon call and get $50 cheeseburgers sent over from the Four Seasons. So that's great. Even better is Page Six's assertion that, "Jane Fonda is known for loving a good burger." Ha. Is she? Out of curiosity I googled "jane fonda hamburger" and, y'know what, there were a couple articles about Jane Fonda eating hamburgers. So I guess she is known for loving a good burger. How about that. You learn something new every day. [Page Six]