David Schwimmer's Neighbors Really Don't Like Him

Today in celebrity gossip: David Schwimmer's neighbors hate him, Katie Holmes's people deny rumors that she's seeing Jamie Foxx, and how did Duchess Kate lose all that weight.

Uh oh. David Schwimmer's neighbors will not be there for him. No, quite the opposite in fact. They're doing that wrist thing in his general direction. See, Schwimmer bought an old house on East 6th Street in Manhattan, one that the city said could be given landmark status, and he tore it down. He tore it down to erect a 9,000 square-foot monstrosity in its place, some hideous thing with an elevator. And his neighbors are not happy about it. They've launched a guerilla campaign against the construction, doing things like... spray painting "Ross is not cool" on a construction fence with an arrow pointing to the building. Wait, really guys? The dopiest dope from Friends destroys an old building to erect some horrible temple to himself and the best you can do is "Ross is not cool"? That is sad. I mean, the sentiment is correct. Ross is NOT cool. There is NOTHING cool about Ross. But it's pretty weak. What about a Pallbearer joke or something about Kissing a Fool? I mean the dude's name is Schwimmer for heaven's sake. I just think we, as a people, are capable of more than "Ross is not cool." I'd like to think so, anyway. [The New York Post]

Catherine, Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, Princess of England, Mother of King George the Destroyer, Grandmother of Queen Penelope the Ultimately Benevolent Following Some Unpleasant Atrocities in Belgium. Whatever you want to call her is fine as long as you acknowledge the fact that she gave birth like just a month ago and already looks amaaaaazing!! Meaning she appears to have already lost whatever meager amount of baby weight she put on during her pregnancy. Us Weekly is pretty into this story, breathlessly quoting a source who says that Kate has "hardly done anything to lose the weight." Ha. Hardly done anything? Sure, that we saw. I mean, did we have eyes on the long and arduous night when the royal mage stood over a comatose Kate and read strange Old English passages from scrolls, invoking the spirit of Morgan Le Fay and other important British magicks to suck the baby weight right out of her? I don't think we did. Did we watch the Queen take a knobbly cane and smack Kate's hand with a hard rap every time she saw her reach for a crumpet during tea time? No, we did not. And were we peeking around a corner as the peasant girl was brought to the back of the hospital, paid tuppence for her mewling babe and sent off into the night, always to wonder if her boy, put in her by a blacksmith's apprentice from Gaerwen and given to a young princess who didn't want to gain baby weight, could remember the sound or smell of his true mother? I really don't think any of us were there for any that. So let's not trust this "hardly done anything." Princess Kate, and all the royals really, have done quite a lot to fight that baby weight. Quite a lot indeed. "You know what burns loads of calories?" Harry said to Kate one afternoon shortly after George's arrival, the two alone together in the parlour at Anglesey for just a moment. And she looked at him, all suspicion and curiosity, and said, "I'm sure I don't know what you're referring to." He walked right up to her, got close, she could feel the proximity of all that muscle and manhood, and he said hotly into her ear, "I think you do, my lady." And it was all she could do to not grab him and pull him down onto the floor with her. Her tea rattled in her hand and she took a deep breath and then the Queen was back in with those damn dogs and the old lady croaked, "Harry! Help your grandmother sit down" and the moment was over. So. Don't say hardly anything's been done. [Us Weekly]

The rumor mill has been grinding away like an overzealous waiter over your caesar salad (I have literally no idea what that means) ever since one Katie Q. Holmes was seen a'dance with one Jamie Foxx last weekend. The two were at a party together in the East Hampton neighborhood of Long Island, a benefit thing thrown by very rich man Ron Perelman, and they were seen on a stage together, doing the sweet body moves of love. Or at least some people thought it was love. Enough people thought it was love that Katie Holmes's publicist had to say to Page Six, "They’re not dating. They’ve been friends for years." And it's true, they have. Apparently they met while Holmes was still with Tom Cruise, so I'll bet that the connection is the movie Collateral, but who knows really. The point is that they are not dating, even though they were dancing together at a party. Everyone else you see dancing together at a party, any party, is dating, so people were completely correct to speculate about this. But this is the one exception to that very, very true rule. Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are not a thing, even though they were dancing together, at a party. But any other two people you see doing just that? They will probably get married. Base your life on that belief. You won't be disappointed, I promise you. [Page Six]

Kylie Jenner, daughter of Kris Jenner and an old mummy she found in Peru and named Bruce, recently turned 16, like two weeks ago, and so is now out on the road as a motorist. And in just that short time she's already had an accident with her $125,000 Mercedes SUV. She was driving on a busy Calabasas street and slammed into the back of a Toyota, doing some real damage to it and sending it crashing into a Subaru. Of course her suburban assault vehicle was just fine, I mean just look at the thing. What is going on with that car? Is she going to fight for Rommel in the Sahara? Why does a 16-year-old girl in suburban California need something that could withstand a nuclear blast? Do the Jenners know something we don't? This is absurd. Take that thing away from her. Give her an old Kia or a Geo Prizm or a Neon or something that makes a lick of sense. But I suppose the thinking is that those cars are too dangerous, so better put baby Jenner in some modified Panzer tank and screw anyone else on the road. Ah, money! O, California! [TMZ]

Paris Hilton, still alive, has signed a "huge" contract to DJ at a nightclub in Ibiza next year. She was apparently quite popular when she DJ'd at the Amnesia club this summer, so the club asked her back for next season. Hah. Sure. You know what? If Paris Hilton is safely off somewhere, DJing at a nightclub in Ibiza where none of us will ever go, cavorting around with her beautiful child boyfriend, then that's fine, isn't it? Let Spain have her, let all of Spain enjoy her DJing, let her date its prettiest son. We'll continue on here, comfortable in the knowledge that she is content and so are we and that is enough. If nothing else, that is enough. [TMZ]