The FAA was recently on red alert and fighter jets were nearly scrambled because Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, the two warringest women in all the world, were almost on the same flight. Both were scheduled to fly on a British Airways flight from LA to London last Sunday, but Aniston changed her ticket to Monday at the last minute. Speculation is that she found out that Jolie would be on the same plane for twelve long hours and was like "Noooooope." So, crisis averted. But jeez it was so close. Y'know, they say that the TSA is doing all this stuff, but maybe all those security measures are just for show. I mean, if it's that easy for Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston to almost be on your plane, then what else is possible? I don't want to think about it. You hear about narrow misses like this all the time and it's just about enough to have you never flying again. I bet some flight attendants were disappointed, though. This was going to be their D-Day. "Let's do this bitch," one said to another, affixing her scarf and staring flintily at the first class cabin. Oh well. Sorry that didn't work out. And, y'know, it's possible that this isn't even true. I mean, between the two of them, doesn't it seem likely that at least one would have flown on a private jet? (Let's be honest, Angelina.) Who knows. The point is that we can all breathe a sigh of relief because this terrible thing, whether the potential was real or imagined, did not happen. Fly safe, everyone. [Us Weekly]
William, Someday King of the British Isles, gave his first public speech since the birth of his son, Prince George Alexander Louis, Future Savior of Britain and Its Peoples. William was at the Anglesey Show in Wales, a kind of county fair type of thing on the island where and Kate have been living while he flies rescue helicopters. He thanked the people of the barren and sun-forgotten rock for their hospitality, expressing regret that he and Kate have to move. He is terribly sorry that he and his beautiful wife now have to leave forever to go live in a palace in London, but that's just how life is sometimes. Things can be difficult. William also made some jokes about this newborn son, regaling the audience with tales of insolent nannies, of how the young lad has already learned to wield a cane to strike impertinent page boys. Haha, no, no, just kidding. It was typical new dad stuff about babies being a handful and whatnot. He also said this: "He's pretty loud but of course very good looking!" Ha. I hope he then looked down at his notes and said, "Oh, no no, sorry, that's for a speech about my brother..." Because, c'mon. That's Harry, man. That is. [Us Weekly]
Is Hayden Panettiere engaged? That's what TMZ thinks. They noticed a big chunky ring on her finger when they were chasing her through the airport, so they think that she must be engaged to her comically large boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko, son of Zangief. Which, who knows if they're engaged and frankly who really cares, but what's interesting about this post is the video of Panettiere making her way through the airport while paps and autograph seekers besiege her. And she is cool as a cucumber the whole time. Not unfriendly, but not giving them too much, never stopping, breezing right into her waiting car and zooming off. It's great. Good for her. Also what a goddamned nightmare. That, after getting off a plane. Absolute hell. I mean, she flew first class and now gets to go home to her mansion, but still. For that swarmed second, probably none of it was worth it. [TMZ]
Lorne Michaels is currently hard at work putting his show Saturday Night Live back together after four major cast members left, and while he's doing that Jack Nicholson is crashing at his Hamptons pad. Y'know, just having Jack Nicholson look after the place. That's a great idea. What could go wrong leaving Jack Nicholson in your house while you're at work? "Jack, where did this rug come from and why is Ann-Margret here?" "Hey, I'm ho— Jesus, Jack, either eat the sandwich or don't but at least put away the— Holy sh-t, Ms. Welch, Ms. Welch, can you hear me? Wake up!" A lot of potential problems with this situation, I gotta be honest. [Page Six]
The Clintons, Joe and Suzanne Clinton from Overland Park, no just kidding Bill and Hillary, are currently renting a home in the Hamptons for a very reasonable $200,000 a month. You know, just $200,000 a month to be in a house. That's all. Sure thing. Everything is hunky dory with this plan except for one tiny, also completely normal, detail: The house next door that's on the market for $21 million has a turret, and so the Clintons are nervous that people will look at the house just to go up to the turret and spy on the Clintons. So, y'know, a typical summer that the Clintons are having, just like you and me. Renting a house for $200,000 and worrying about the turret in the castle next to them. They really are just like us. [Page Six]
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to firstname.lastname@example.org.