Bieber's Bodyguard Brouhaha

Today in celebrity gossip: Justin Bieber is under investigation for a brawl his bodyguards were recently involved in, Lindsay is hanging on Oprah's every word, and Joe Jonas is shirtless.

I know it feels like every day we're talking about some dumb, bad thing that Justinius Quintus Bieberus has done, but, well, he does a dumb, bad thing every day, so this is just the world we live in now. The latest is this: On Sunday night, the Canadian youth — rough-hewn and moose-odored, hair chunky with ice from Baffin Bay, maple syrup glistening in his face's weather-worn creases, made tan and leathery by Nunavut's midnight sun — was at a nightclub in the Hamptons. He was partying it up, flirting with "bottle girls," just being his regular, rakish self. He was flashing a flashlight on various girls, because I guess that's the modern courtship technique in Canada these days. Meanwhile, a 22-year-old kid named Wayne (he's actually named Wayne) was sporting a white H&M bowtie that one of the bottle girls liked. So, he let her put it on. But then she walked away, over to Justin's table, and Wayne, poor oblivious Wayne, followed her because he wanted his bowtie back. Bad move. Justin and his people, not liking a strange male wandering into their wallow, threatening their access to females, got mad. There was a bit of tension but then things seemed to settle down. Until everyone got outside, at least. There, Justin was heard yelling things, calling Wayne, sweet innocent bowtie-wearing Wayne, a "punk bitch." Which... Justin. The pot got a new cellphone and has been calling the kettle a lot, yelling "You're black!" and then hanging up. Justin. Calling someone else a "punk bitch" when that's what it says on your passport? Unbecoming, Justin. Unbecoming. But it gets worse! After being taunted by Justin, Wayne, dumb old Wayne, decided it would be a good idea to pick up a rock and chuck it at Bieber and company. Not a good idea. Someone then yelled "You done f-cked up now," and... Well, let's let Page Six's eyewitness tell it: "Justin jumped out the sunroof of his car and slid down the car like he was in ‘Die Hard’ . . . He dropped his shirt and threw his hat and wanted to throw hands. His people surrounded Wayne, who was getting punched from all angles." Yes. Essentially what happened is that Justin's bodyguards beat up Wayne while Justin yelled things, sometimes from the safety of his automobile. And now Justin is being investigated by Hamptons PD. (Hahaha, I wish there was just a Hamptons police force, breaking up fights between coked-up idiots and occasionally arresting Lizzie Grubman/rescuing her from lobster traps.) They want to find out if Justin ordered his bodyguards to beat up Wayne or if the bodyguards beat up Wayne of their own volition. Jesus, Justin. When is this going to stop? Or at least stop escalating? Peeing in a janitor's bucket is one thing, but calling Wayne a "punk bitch" and then having your bodyguards beat him up, all because he invaded your territory while trying to reclaim his bowtie, his signature Wayne bowtie? It's just not good, Justy. It's not good. It's time to go home. Back to Canada. Maybe hitch a ride to Yellowknife, mellow out there for a while. Or go to Cape Breton, stare out at the cold northern sea and think about things. Won't you? Because this has all gotten to be too much. Anyway, our thoughts and prayers are with Wayne. Dear, sweet Wayne. [Page Six]

On her road to recovery, Lindsay Lohan apparently has one chief guiding light: Oprah. Of course it's Oprah. You thought it was going to be, what, some sort of spiritual advisor or parent or friend? No. It's Oprah. Lindsay Lohan is, according to Us Weekly (and that's a big "according to"), doing everything Oprah tells her to do. Which is probably not a bad plan, honestly. I mean, of all the people that Lindsay Lohan has listened to in her life, Oprah is probably the most positive, wouldn't you think? Obviously there should be limits. Lindsay shouldn't do everything that Oprah tells her to do, I mean she shouldn't be doing anything involving a shovel, a moonlit night, and a mysterious, heavy black bag she's been told to bury. That's not good. But, say, not going to Europe as planned, this soon after getting sober? That was probably good Oprah advice. O-vice. So we should be cautiously optimistic about this new stewardship. The woman needs some positive influences in her life. And if that comes in the form of Oprah, revered deity and Tyler Perry apologist, then so be it. [Us Weekly]

Aw. Beyoncé biked to work on Monday. She performed her last New York tour date at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, which her husband built with his two hands, and instead of taking a car or helicopter or seeing if the Parker-Brodericks' teleporter was available, she hopped on a velocipede and pedaled over the Brooklyn Bridge, snapping some photos as she went, seemingly unmolested. Isn't that nice? The idea that Beyoncé can just hop on a bike and go riding, and that she wanted to hop on a bike and go riding? I think that's good. I'm sure there's some calculated "Look I'm a regular person I swear!" posing involved in all of this, but whatever. You know? Whatever. Who cares. It's still nice. [Page Six]

Remember when Nick Jonas posted an Instagram photo of himself, shirtless and buff, and everyone was like "Dayyyyumm" (Gina)? Well, his older brother Joe just couldn't stand all that attention going to Nick and not to him, so now he's posted a shirtless photo of himself on Instagram. Only, he did it the Joe Jonas way. Meaning he's holding a lapdog and there's another shirtless guy in the background. Actually, there are two shirtless men in the background. Instagram commenters say one of them is Kevin, but who knows. All we can really intuit from this photograph is that Joe Jonas was hanging out shirtless with a bunch of other shirtless guys while holding a small white dog. Those are the facts of Joe Jonas's shirtless Instagram photo. [Us Weekly]

Here are photos of Leondardo DiCaprio, 38, kissing a Victoria's Secret model, 21. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. (They're on a boat.) [Us Weekly]