Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuoco Are Already Over

Today in celebrity news: The couple of the century has broken up, Leah Remini had her reasons for leaving Scientology, and Justin Bieber is probably lonely. 

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Whaaaat? The world's most beautiful and special couple, the pair that seemed the best suited for each other out of anyone else anywhere in the world, is over?? Man of Steel cheese-hunk Henry Cavill and Big Bang Theory cheese-hottie Kaley Cuoco have broken up. What is this world?? What is this cruel blue marble, this mercurial and fickle and mean place. Why must the forces that be give us something so pure and true and life-affirming — the blessed love between a sensible match like Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuoco — only to tear it away from us like this. Some sort of probably made-up source tells Us Weekly that "things fizzled as quickly as they heated up," which is not a satisfactory explanation. I want to know why. Why did this happen? Now, here, in this time, why must all that is beautiful and good be rent apart, torn from us and made a ruin of. Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuoco. He the dashing Brit with the acting abilities of a male Andie MacDowell. She the blonde girl on the show about smart men. What a dream match. They solved love for all humanity. And now, a mere eleven days after first word of their coupling, they are over? Sometimes I think this planet, this life, is too cruel a thing for anyone to endure. Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuoco. Over?? Done?? The love drained out like blood in Hitchcock's tub? I just cannot understand it. And I never will. I never will. This pain is forever. [Us Weekly]

We've got updates on the whole Leah Remini fleeing Scientology thing. It seems that she decided to leave after being interrogated for years because she dared to ask the simple question of where David Miscavige's wife is. Shelly Miscavige has, by most accounts, not been seen publicly in seven years. Is she holed up in The Hole? Has she returned to space? It's a mystery, to most people anyway. So Remini asked, and she was brutally shot down, and then subjected to all of this interrogation stuff. What a great organization this thing seems to be, huh? Lots of fun. So much return on your emotional, spiritual, and financial investment. I can't imagine why Leah Remini, or Paul Haggis, or anyone would ever leave! It seems like so much fun. Who doesn't like getting interrogated for years because they sensibly asked about a lady who hasn't been seen for seven years? That sounds really spiritually enriching and not at all like some sort of menacing cult-like behavior. I say go back, Leah. Go back, Paul. Go back everyone! Us SPs are no good for you, what with our psychiatry and whatnot. Me, I'm moving to Guyana to see who of Jones's people are left down there, but you should go back to Clearwater. Because it seems great. [Page Six]

So we've been pretty hard on Justin Bieber all week. The kid's been acting like a jerk, peeing in mop buckets and all that, and it's been easy to pile on. Because he's young and stupid and rich and seems like a total dweeb, it's fun to make fun of how awful he behaves. And that's OK! We are allowed to make fun of bratty teen millionaires, it is our American underclass right. But. But! Then, like some brief burst of insight gone as quick as it came, TMZ writes something like this and you stop to reflect. In a post about how Justin won't abandon his supposedly bad-influence friends, Harvey Levin's nightmare blog wrote this: "Plus, one source says Justin's been surrounded by adults for most of his life -- and now that he finally has a group of close friends that are his age, the last thing he wants to do is push them away." Which is really sad! Isn't it? Obviously Justin Bieber and his friends have been acting like pricks all year, but oof. That poor kid, finally happy with some friends his own age, and now those leeching adults are telling him to get rid of them because they are making him act like a kid. A rude, bad kid, yes, but a kid nonetheless. I don't know. He's rich and all, but I wouldn't wish Justin Bieber's life on my worst enemy. When I was 19 I was in college and worked at a restaurant and was unhappy and whiny like anyone that age but was also having a great time, a great anonymous small person in a big world time. And Justin Bieber will never experience that, never in his life. I'll never experience what he's doing, but most people won't. The vast, vast majority won't. And that's got to be lonely. So. I don't know. He's still a jerk. But, you kinda understand why. [TMZ]

The Middletons and the royal family are getting awfully close. While Kate lies in repose in a birthing chamber somewhere deep within the bowels of Buckingham Keep, her sister Pippa, her brother James, and her parents all went to a concert with Prince Charles and Camilla, Lady of Snagglesden, Baroness of Snarlheath. The concert was to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the coronation of Queen Elizabeth, bloody queen of the ragged empire. Which.. Didn't we just do that? Wasn't there just a whole jubilee about that? Maybe that was for something else. These people spend a lot of time celebrating themselves, don't they. Anyway, the point is that the Middletons have pulled off what they wanted to when they whispered into little Kate's ear "Someday you'll be queen..." all those years ago. They're in with the royals. And when the baby heir solidifies it, that's when the party supply millionaires will make their movie. A coup like you've never seen. They're the Tyrells, basically, Kate the lady of flowers. I guess that makes James the Loras of the situation. Does that mean he's bonking Harry? Because I don't mind entertaining that notion. Anyway. Royals! [People]

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