Get Ready for All Royal Baby News All the Time

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If you thought the coverage of the Zimmerman trial went overboard, just wait for the news networks on both sides of the Atlantic to go gaga over the royal baby—who would be the deceased Princess Diana's first grandchild, and is the first son or daughter of Prince William and Duchess Catherine (aka Kate Middleton), whom you may remember from the royal wedding news overdose two summers ago. 

Yes, the watch for William and Kate's first child is the next big news story of the summer, and there's nothing you can do about it, as The New York Times' Brian Stelter reports. There are already throngs of journalists with their fancy umbrellas posted outside St. Mary's Hospital, where Kate will give birth. Some are reporting out of pop-up bureau offices that can double as camping tents. This is despite the fact that Kate is hiding out in her mother's house, or that William is playing polo, as the latest breathless updates revealed. But Kate's expected to go into labor any day now! And the media overdosing on monarchy news will rival the headline fatigue brought on by the royal wedding coverage two years ago. Just you wait, because it's going to get ridiculous. 

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You'll be able to catch this coverage from any network of your choice, really. ABC News and The Daily Beast already have dedicated royal baby verticals set up for dedicated monarch-followers where they can zero in on every breaking rumor as we get closer and closer to water break. NBC is covering the royal baby gambling racket, though the only possible winning is getting your name mentioned on The Today Show. The BBC is already chatting with readers about what the royal baby should be named, a debate that David Beckham has already weighed in on.

And once this thing gets under way, once Kate gets rushed to the hospital, the coverage will be so hysterical it's going to resemble a Michael Bay movie. "Thanks to their plans, the birth, whenever it happens—any day now, if the tabloids are to be believed—will be a spectacle unlike any other in the modern media age, complete with sweeping helicopter shots of St. Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, London, and Buckingham Palace," Stelter writes. Thankfully, there won't be cameras with lenses focused on the crowning in the hospital room. But reporters will be outside, with cameras ready and waiting to document the riveting ritual of a royal baby announcement, all in HD for the very first time: 

The birth’s confirmation process is rooted in tradition, but it will be televised in high-definition, which was something else that didn’t exist the last time there was a royal baby. The duchess’s doctors will sign a birth notice. The notice will be hand-carried to a car. The car will be driven to Buckingham Palace. Then the notice will be placed on an easel in the forecourt of the palace, informing the world of the baby’s birth and possibly his or her name.

But the overdose on baby news is seen as a balance to the depressing slog of news that has dominated the summer. What with the murders and protests and coup d'états. Summer's usually fluffy like the clouds and so far that hasn't been the case this year. The royal baby is "is something that every family can identify with," ABC News foreign editor Jon Williams told Stelter. Even the most cold-hearted cynics can't fret over baby news. Well, wait, never mind: 

There's always one jerk in the crowd. 

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.