Duchess Kate Can't Stand the Heat

Today in celebrity news: Pregnant princess Kate flees the heat of London, Farrah Abraham gets a no, and Shia LaBeouf thinks he's people. 

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The whole of Britain stands, forceps ready, to welcome Royal Baby into the world. Hell, the whole world, from the slums of Cairo to the slums of Beijing to the slums of Bucharest to the very rookeries of London, is excited about Royal Baby. Who wouldn't be? In preparation for the birth, Princess Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, Holy Womb-Haver of the British Empire, has to be very attentive to her health needs. And so, in a period of extreme heat in London, Kate has moved from Kensington Palace — where she had been lying on the cool stones of the holy family chapel, a bejeweled and marvelous place — to her family's estate in Bucklebury. Haha. Yup. Bucklebury. Is there a more British-sounding place than Bucklebury? "Oh the Prince's wife has gone to Bucklebury, she 'as." After that it's on to Thatchingshire, then perhaps a stint in Ruddingham, and then maybe she'll finish up her pre-birth tour in Wicksleydingle or possibly Wemblingston. Bucklebury. Of course. Meanwhile, William has been having a right laugh, playing polo this weekend with his rakish brother Harry for some sort of charity thing. Those at the match said that William was "glowing." Not more than Kate, who was surrounded by a thousand candles as she lay on a birthing altar at Bucklebury, but glowing nonetheless. Then, as only a commoner made filthy and disreputable by ill-gotten riches can do, David Beckham, kicker of balls, said that William and Kate should name their child David. After him. The nerve! The honest gall of a man. To speak, even indirectly, of this Royal Child so. If these modern royals had any sense they'd have his head lopped off for the insolence. And I don't think anyone would blame them. [Us Weekly; People; Page Six]

Farrah Abraham, the Teen Mom star turned tabloid demon on account of a sexy tape she made, has apparently been rejected from Playboy. She submitted herself to be one of their so-called "centahfolds" but they said no. Because, I guess, Playboy has standards. Hugh Hefner can marry a woman who is approximately six hundred and seventy-two years his junior, but Farrah Abraham can't pose for the magazine, because that wouldn't be classy. I don't know. Playboy is lame. Isn't Playboy lame? I think it's lame. The whole thing of it. "Hey some old man told me to look at these boobs, and here's an article about politics." Pshaw. The whole thing. You're fine without it, Farrah. [TMZ]

Haha. Shia LaBeouf has now been seen out and about three time wearing fatigues with a ratty T-shirt. Like military pants tucked into boots, and then a dirty T-shirt. The thinking is that LaBeouf is doing this as prep for filming the World War II movie Fury. Oh man I hope that's true. I really hope that Shia LaBeouf is being all method for his big army guys movie by dressing like the army guys when he goes to the store in Los Angeles. "I really feel like I'm getting into this character's head, because I wore army pants to Gelson's." He's wearing army pants just like a real army guy! He's so ready for this role it's not even funny. Haha. Actors. Shia LaBeouf. What a laugh. What a funny thing, with his little army pants, like what the real guys wear. Make-believe is fun! [Daily Mail]

Justin Timberlake says that his song "Take Back the Night" is not related to the sexual violence awareness group of the same name. He says he never heard of such a thing. Which, I'm sorry, that's horsesh-t. Even if he didn't know the direct association, he's heard the phrase "take back the night" before, because of the advocacy group, and he made it a song title. So to say that the two were completely unrelated is just further example of Justin Timberlake's utter fraudulency as a performer and so-called creative person. Ugh, this guy. "I completely made up the phrase 'take back the night,' I swear that I didn't hear it somewhere and think it was cool and did no work to find out what it referred to before making it the title of the third single from my major studio album." Pfft. What a putz this guy is. I mean, there was a whole Beverly Hills 90210 episode about Take Back the Night for heaven's sake. I know that at the time he was chained to a pipe in Michael Eisner's basement, being forced to learn Mickey Mouse Club song lyrics, but still. Still. Justin Timberlake is insisting that, when it comes to this phrase, he lives in a vacuum. Which is absurd. What a dingus this guy is. Why does everyone like him again? [Radar via Jezebel]

Kelly Osbourne is engaged. To this man. No that's not Gaby Hoffman. His name is Matthew Mosshart. And this is who he is. Matthew Mosshart. His best man will be Gregory Shieldstone. Another groomsman will be Phillip Strongbow. And of course Thomas Greenrock. Those are Matthew Mosshart's friends. Matthew Mosshart, who is this person and is marrying Kelly Osbourne. This guy. Him. Matthew Mosshart. [E!]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.