Kim Kardashian's Fake Baby Photo Scheme

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Today in celebrity news: Kim Kardashian has a smart way of flushing out traitors, a Full House actress gets divorced again, and it's the Catholic church vs. Sandra Lee. 

Klever, klever Kim Kardashian. No dummy to the way the celebrity gossip industry works, she gave a bunch of her hangers on photos of a baby she said was little North West, the child she just had with Kanye West, but that were actually photos of other babies. That way she could see which ones surfaced online and, depending on the photo, know which of her supposed friends totally sold her out. Very krafty, Kim! I mean, incredibly sad that she felt she had to do that, but I guess you can't invite reality camera crews into your house for a half-decade and expect much of anything else. So, did people try to sell the photos? What do you think. TMZ was approached with two different snaps, both lovely babies but supposedly neither North West. I bet whichever friends of Kim tried to cash in are feeling pretty dumb right now. Kaught in Kim's web. "I foooooled yewwwwww" she says, turning slightly to the side to pose as she points her finger accusatorially. "Look, look, Kim, I'm sorry, please, I needed the money so bad, so bad," Kris Jenner pleads with her daughter. "You don't understand! These wigs aren't cheap." But it is too late. Kim snaps her fingers and says "Take her away, boyssss" and Brody Jenner and Scott Disick come in and drag Kris screaming and thrashing away, Scott saying "Sorry, Mrs. J," while Kim picks up an old parchment paper and draws a line through one name with a quill. And so it continues until she decides to release an actual photo of the baby, at which point she will collect the money and keep it for herself, where it belongs. [TMZ]

Oh dear. Jodie Sweetin, the all-grown-up lady who used to play little Stephanie Tanner on the groundbreaking queer series about three men living together in San Francisco Full House, is getting a divorce for the third time. Sweetin, 31, filed the papers in Los Angeles yesterday, after only a year of marriage. The reason is irreconcilable differences, which is usually a fancy way of saying we probably shouldn't have been married in the first place. Will this be an expensive divorce? Well, that's all relative, isn't it. Sweetin is seeking custody of the couple's daughter and "ownership of the couple's 2000 Toyota Avalon, as well as a 50/50 split of their $200 Kohl's credit card balance." Oy. The thirteen-year-old Avalon and $100 in Kohl's credit? That's a lot. Oh, plus full custody of the kid, of course. But the bigger deal is the old Toyota and the Kohl's credit card. Divorce is expensive, man. That's just the way it works. Hopefully they can reach some sort of amicable arrangement, for the kid's sake if nothing else. I mean, she really loves that Toyota Avalon. And who doesn't love Kohl's? [Us Weekly]

Paula Deen has been fired from her ham company. She used to work for a ham company, hawkin' hams, but now she doesn't work for the ham company anymore, because of the whole racist remark controversy. Smithfield, the ham company in question, issued a statement saying "Ham. We sell ham." No, sorry, it said, "Smithfield is determined to be an ethical food industry leader and it is important that our values and those of our spokespeople are properly aligned." They then added, "But we still sell ham. Being that we're a ham company." So Paula Deen will have to sell hams elsewhere, perhaps wandering down the highway calling out "Hams for sale! Hot hams for sale!" Her sack of hams slung over her shoulder, a few cars slowing as they consider buying some road ham but then thinking better of it and speeding away. Poor Paula coughing in the exhaust, wishing someone, anyone, would buy her hams. It's a sad story. (Just kidding it is not that sad. Paula Deen is very, very rich and never needs to work again.) [People]

For heaven's sake. Sandra Lee, tablescape designer and girlfriend of New York governor Andrew Cuomo, just wrapped up a trip in Rome with a visit to the Vatican, despite lots of pressure from the church urging Cuomo to stop "living in sin" with Lee. Because they're not married, see. Good grief. Did you know this was happening? I did not know this was happening, and it is ridiculous. In 2013? The Catholic church, in 2013, is really going to make a stink about a 55-year-old man and a 46-year-old woman living together even though they are not married. Well, great. Way to stay relevant, guys. Very clever strategy. It's almost too perfect. "Hey those old men are talkin' crazy, let's hear what they have to say!" That's what all the kids will say, creating a new generation of Catholics, when they hear that adult men have actually spent time pressuring the 55-year-old governor of New York to stop "living in sin" with his 46-year-old girlfriend. It's bound to work. It's probably already working. [Page Six]

Well here are two young people not living in sin anymore. Girls actor Adam Driver married longtime girlfriend Joanne Tucker over the weekend, in some sort of "destination wedding" in an unknown place. Driver's costar Lena Dunham was there with her boyfriend, fun. band member Jack Antonoff, to wish the couple well, as I'm sure were many non-famous friends and family members. Congratulations, young couple. May your marriage be a long and fruitful one. And may you never quarrel over the '99 Accord or the Target REDcard. [Us Weekly]

Justin Bieber and his friends have been banned for life from a Las Vegas indoor skydiving place after behaving very rudely to staff. So... once you've been issued a lifetime ban from an indoor skydiving place in Las Vegas, it's maybe time to quit monkeying around in your drop-crotch pants and high-hats and head back to school. It's been enough, kid. It's time to get serious. Put down the leather softball jersey, put on a regular shirt and some regular pants, and get your little butt to the Ryerson admissions office and see what they can do for you. That's what needs doing, pronto. Enough of this. [Page Six]

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