Today in celebrity news: Reese Witherspoon makes a chipper apology for her recent drunk driving arrest, Keira Knightley is getting hitched, and Lindsay Lohan might have broken her rehab rules already.
Actress Reese Witherspoon, whose recent drunken rampage destroyed half of Atlanta in a ravaging that rivaled Sherman's March, went on Good Morning America this morning to apologize and explain that she was not herself that fateful night. "We went out to dinner in Atlanta and we had one too many glasses of wine," she explained to George Stephanopoulos, who sat there wondering how he'd gone from the White House to this. "We thought we were fine to drive and we absolutely were not," the actress continued. She also said that she "had no idea what I was saying" when she started yelling at a police officer while her husband was being arrested. "I literally panicked. I told him I was pregnant. I'm not pregnant. I said all kinds of crazy things." So, you see, it was all just one of those crazy nights when things go sideways and the next morning you wake up and say "Ay dios mio." Only when you're Reese Witherspoon you have to say that on a nationally televised morning news show. She was at least able to get a little joke in, saying "I played a lawyer in a movie so many times I think I am a lawyer. And clearly I'm not a lawyer because I got arrested." Which is kind of a weird thing to say while issuing a public apology, but that's OK. She's sorry, guys. I believe her. Though, I'd imagine this is all some pretty cold comfort for the people still stumbling around the smoldering ruins of Buckhead, or for the people sifting through the charred remains of Downtown, Five Points a vast sea of bone and ash. I'm sure they'd appreciate a little more than a sincere apology on Good Morning America. But it's good enough for the rest of us! And that's what really matters. [TMZ]
Uh oh. Better start writing out those big cue cards with a declaration of your love on them, because Keira Knightley is getting married. Yes, she's set to wed keyboardist James Righton in the South of France, specifically in a small ceremony in Nice. Knightley was seen greeting Righton at the airport in Nice recently, having been down there for several days already with her mother. Supposedly Karl Lagerfeld has made her a custom gown, though that's only a rumor at this point. So how about that. Keira Knightley, all of 28, getting hitched. I know you're sad about it, but can I just recommend one thing? Even if you are sad, maybe don't act so mean and intense about it, because it's going to look like you're in love with her husband until she finds a wedding video that's creepily all shots of her and then you're going to have to leave your flat and dramatically zip up your sweater before appearing one day on her doorstep to silently tell her that you love her and then walk away saying "Enough, enough now" to yourself only to wake up in a hospital bed in zombie-filled Georgia years later. And do you really want that for yourself? I don't think you do. [Page Six]
Oh for heaven's sake. Lindsay Lohan has very likely already broken the terms of her rehab deal. See, the court approved one place in Long Island, but that place wouldn't allow Lindsay to smoke, so in a panic she's chosen a different rehab in California and supposedly flew out there last night. Trouble is, the court has not approved that facility. So she might already be in trouble and she hasn't even checked in anywhere yet. I tell ya, this gal. I try to respect her problems and all that and say "Well, we're all human," but she kinda seems like a sneaky liar person all the time, doesn't she? I mean who knows what is really going on here, and obviously it is not actually any of our business, but as a story, it seems like a story about a shifty person who reneges and flakes out all the time. Which is a frustrating kind of person. I mean, flaking on after-work plans because it's a Tuesday and you're tired is one thing. But telling a judge that you'll go to a certain rehab if it means you can avoid jail time and then changing facilities at the last minute so you can smoke cigarettes? That's something else. Maybe this is all an honest mixup and it will get sorted out, but if not, maybe they should just put her in real jail. Can you still smoke in jail? [TMZ]
Hilary Duff says that she's "honestly obsessed" with being a mother to her young son. Which... Man do we have to stop using that word. It's become the new "amazing." In that it's said so frequently in such hyperbolic manner that it's lost all genuine meaning. Also, what a dumb thing to say about childrearing! I should hope you'd be pretty fixated on raising your infant son! I mean, it's not like it's a little personality quirk, like "Oh I'm obsessed with Homeland" or "I am obsessed with cake pops." Both of those people are annoying, yes, but they're just being silly about random ultimately consequenceless parts of bourgeois life. They are not talking about the raising of a child. The "OMG obsessed" part should probably be implicit there. I know that Hilary wasn't trying to treat the subject lightly, I'm just pointing out that the word "obsessed" really has lost all functional usage at this point. So let's put it in a lockbox, along with the exclamation "Love it!" and pretty much all Mean Girls references, and bury them under a mountain for a thousand years. The people of the future can use them, but we've worn them out. They need to rest. Like the cicadas. Oh god the cicadas. [Us Weekly]
Chelsea Clinton, daughter of Bill and Hillary, was speaking at a charity awards show kind of a thing in New York on Tuesday, basically the kind of thing that rich and fancy people go to, and she introduced celebrity chef Mario Batali. In her speech she said, "It’s not hyperbole to say I could not imagine my life in New York or really my life in general without Mario." Oh my, really? I had no idea they had such a connection. Chelsea went on to explain. "The first meal I shared with the man I am now very happy to call my husband and the people I am now very happy to call my husband’s in-laws, otherwise known as my parents, was at Babbo." Wait... that's it? Please tell me that's not it. Because if eating at the restaurant for that admittedly important dinner makes Mario Batali a huge part of your life, I'm a little worried about your life. Like, I had some pretty significant things happen to me at J.P. Licks ice cream growing up, but I don't really count Vince Petryk as a huge part of my life. So I'd hope there's more for Chelsea, that they're actually friends. Of course, I'm sure they are. Of course they'd be friends. Mario Batali is friends with everyone. Everyone famous, anyway. That's just the way of things here. [Page Six]
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to email@example.com.