Justin Bieber Goes Long on His Wild Driving Defense

Today in celebrity news: Justin Bieber says it wasn't him, Taylor Swift hung out with Lena Dunham this weekend, and Paul Ryan had a party in New York.

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Oh lord, Justin Bieber's Calabasas catastrophe continues. The boy singer got in trouble on Monday night for driving his vroom-vrooms around his neighborhood too fast, enraging his neighbors. It's dangerous and loud and just not a good idea in a quiet residential area. He shouldn't be racing cars in a gated community. But! Now Justin's people are quietly launching a defense that puts it pretty plainly: It wasn't Justin driving. Yeah, it was one of his dimwit friends or something. There have definitely been incidents in the past when one of Justin's dopey friends was driving one of his cars instead of him, so this might make sense. Except multiple witnesses, including former NFL-er turned ESPN sportscaster Keyshawn Johnson, saw Bieber driving the car. Johnson, who chased after Bieber in his Prius all the way to Bieber's house, even saw the kid hop out of his car and run into his house. Yes, he ran into his house. Because he knew he'd done something bad and he didn't want to get in trouble. (Or because a huge ex-football player was chasing him down the street. But whatever.) Justin's big man enough to zoom his white Ferrari around the neighborhood, but he doesn't wanna get in trouble for it! He sounds like a great kid, doesn't he? This reminds me of the New Yorker story about Scooter Braun, specifically the part where Justin's running around hitting everyone in the crotch and laughing but then when someone tries to do it to him, he gets all petulant and pissy. Hopefully this is just a teen phase and he'll grow out of it, but I dunno. Maybe this is just who Bieber is. A bad kid. And that would be all our fault, wouldn't it? [TMZ]

Over in the land of good kids, Taylor Swift had two friends come up to Rhode Island with her for Memorial Day weekend. Swift bought a $17 million house there recently, so actresses Jessica Szohr and Hailee Steinfeld visited for the weekend, the three spotted strolling around Westerly and photographed eating at a restaurant. Later, they had a meal with Lena Dunham and her boyfriend, who was playing with his band fun. in Boston. So that's a nice weekend for everyone, isn't it? The one thing I find really weird about this is that Hailee Steinfeld is sixteen years old. Jessica Szohr is 28. So a 28-year-old was hanging out with a 16-year-old all weekend and then Lena Dunham showed up. And then everyone went back home to Taylor Swift's $17 million seaside castle. Man, the world of famous people is strange. That's all there really is to say about this. Well, that and get outta Rhode Island, celebrities. You're gonna ruin it for everyone else. [Us Weekly]

Meanwhile in New York City, former VP hopeful Paul Ryan had a party thrown for him, fueling rumors that he's considering a 2016 presidential bid. It was a media-heavy affair, thrown by former Bush advisor Dan Senor and his wife Campbell Brown, late of CNN. Guests included George Stephanopoulos, Fareed Zakaria, Peggy Noonan, Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, and New Yorker editor David Remnick. (David, what are you doing?) The idea of Paul Ryan, the smarmy kid who is always raising his hand in class but is always wrong, running for president is bad enough. But thinking about that party just about ruins your day. I mean, can you imagine a worse party? Paul Ryan toasted by all these cable news people, plus Peggy Noonan? Disaster. What does Peggy Noonan even do at a party? I'll bet she mostly sips warm milk while cooing to the house plants about ol' Dutch. Ugh, and Ryan walking around the room glad-handing in another ill-fitting suit. A nightmare. An actual nightmare. Hope you had fun at your nightmare, guys! [Page Six]

Here's an interesting story. Onetime teen heartthrob Andrew Keegan sued the Venice Beach bar James' Beach a while back, claiming that the bouncers beat him up on the street for no good reason. But now the bouncers are suing back, saying Keegan came at them, particularly "ramming one bouncer in the shins with his motorized skateboard." I'm sorry, did you say motorized skateboard? The claim then is that Andrew Keegan was standing on a motorized skateboard, repeatedly driving it into some guy's legs? That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. How hard can it be to defend yourself against a guy on a motorized skateboard? Couldn't you just, y'know, get out of the way? Or, like, push him off the skateboard? It's a skateboard. I don't get it. But it apparently happened, and then Keegan zoomed off on his motorized skateboard, into the night. He later came back, but it's unclear whether or not he was on his motorized skateboard. The point of this story is that Andrew Keegan has, or at least had in 2010, a motorized skateboard. That he used to ram into someone's legs, repeatedly. Los Angeles, ladies and gentlemen. [TMZ]

World's most famous French person Gerard Depardieu is currently in some legal trouble after a drunk driving incident in which he fell off his scooter in Paris last November (is there anything more Gerard Depardieu than falling off your scooter in Paris?), and now his lawyer is saying that Depardieu was too drunk to understand what was happening when questioned by police so whatever he said should be thrown out, or something. The police, of course, say he was perfectly lucid. Well, lucid for Gerard Depardieu. That's a different kind of lucid. That's the kind of lucid where falling off your scooter in Paris is kinda just par for the course. Maybe he should try a motorized skateboard next time? Though I guess those are probably even easier to fall off of. Maybe he should just walk. Or take the Metro. Imagine it: Drunken Gerard Depardieu on the Paris Metro, muttering lines from My Father the Hero to himself. Strange, but safe. Think about it, Gerard. Just think about it. [The Telegraph]

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