Today in celebrity news: Justin Bieber has a pretty strict social contract, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Swift have a hang, Madonna's daughter goes on a date with Finn from Homeland, and Ellen buys her Oprah house.
TMZ has found a document which Justin Bieber makes all his party guests sign that insists that everyone be cool and not talk about or take pictures of whatever goes on inside the Bieberdome. If you do run your dumb mouth, you have to pay $5 million. Well, ha, they'll sue you for $5 million, whether you have it or not. So basically Justin has created a very legal, serious pinky swear arrangement with his friends. TMZ is careful to point out that other celebrities make people sign things like these, but it's kind of funnier with Justin Bieber, isn't it? I mean what is this kid worried about? Or rather, what is this kid doing at his parties that is so shocking? Is he drinking wine with his besties and shrieking at Bravo shows? That would probably affect his image, yes. Is he chasing hookers around in a fur coat, swinging a mace and yelling "Here come da judge!"? I mean what could he possibly be doing that is so rude, so shocking, that he makes people sign a legal agreement saying they will say nothing? My guess? When guests arrive at Justin's house, he answers the door in his sweats, says "Oh, hey," and then they go sit in his living room and watch episodes of House Hunters while eating Pirate's Booty and not talking. That would probably be the most shocking Bieber party of them all. [TMZ]
So Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have finally split, it seems. There's been lots of fighting and he didn't come to her birthday party and now it's done. Oh well. As people are wont to do during a breakup, Ms. Stewart sought the counsel of friends, one friend in particular. That person? Taylor Swift. Yup, Kiki was spotted being driven over to a friend's house and that friend turned out to be Taylor Swift. Stewart apparently stayed there all day, so they must have had a lot to talk about. Christ, can you imagine? What those two people talk about when they talk about relationships? My guess is that Kristen was asking Taylor how one deals with a very public breakup while Taylor asked her, "What does kissing feel like?" That probably takes a while to explain, hence the all-day hang. Taylor advised Kristen to acknowledge the issue but not divulge too much personal info, give them just enough without really giving them anything, while Kristen helped Taylor practice on her hand, Taylor saying "Gosh, you're supposed to use your tongue?" Good hang. [Us Weekly]
Madonna's teenage daughter Lourdes is dating Timothée Chalamet, aka Finn from Homeland, and it's all very cute and teen-age — they met at LaGuardia High School of Performing Arts — except that of course Lourdes is followed by bodyguards all the time. Yeah, Madonna is protective of her daughter, so while Tim and Lourdy ate together at Brother Jimmy's on Second Avenue (total kid choice) this weekend, a bodyguard sat a table away and stared the whole time. Pretty awkward for everyone involved, I'd imagine. But I guess it ensures that no one kidnaps Lourdes and that the two puppy lovers don't, y'know, go to Taylor Swift's third base, which is saying the word "heck" to each other. Chalamet graduated this year but Lourdes still has another year so who knows what the future holds for them. Hopefully they'll at least have a nice summer. Maybe they can sneak away from the bodyguard at some point and run over somebody. No, wait, I mean go all the way. But Taylor Swift's version of that, which is giggling and touching knees. Happy summer, kids! [Page Six]
Jesse James, Sandra Bullock's jerk ex-husband, apparently cut off part of his pinky finger by accident and posted a picture of it on Instagram, which is gross. It's unclear whether they can sew the finger back on, but James doesn't seem fussed about it either way. Meaning Sandra needs to make her magic stronger. The spell technically worked, but it didn't have the desired effect. Spell harder, Sandra! Get the Practical Magic crew back together if you must. [Us Weekly]
Oh boy. Ellen DeGeneres just dropped $26.5 million on a huge mansion in Montecito, the wealthy enclave of Santa Barbara that's also home to Oprah. So Ellen just bought her Oprah house. It's 10,000 square feet, it's on 13 acres, and it has grounds that make it look like some sort of Mediterranean palace. Ellen, duchess of Dubrovnik. Must be nice. This likely won't be DeGeneres's permanent home, as she also owns property in Beverly Hills and Hidden Valley (just outside Thousand Oaks). Maybe this is something of a weekend house? Who knows, with her life. Maybe she just bought it to buy it, to have an Oprah house and say she has an Oprah house. Now she needs to buy a place in Hawaii and then some elaborate townhouse in Chicago. Then she'll really be there. She's on her way to full Oprah. Anyway, go look at the pictures. It's a nice house (with bad furniture). [TMZ]
Apparently Sharon Stone made some terrible faux pas by showing up on the Cannes red carpet and entering the theater for a screening of Behind the Candelabra after its stars and director had walked the red carpet. That's something of a no-no at the festival, it seems. You know what's more of a no-no, in my eyes? Having silly rules about who gets to go on the red carpet first and then being offended when someone unwittingly breaks them. That seems way worse than Sharon Stone going to a movie the wrong way. Oh well. What can you do. Showbiz. [Page Six]
Here are some pictures of Harry Styles holding a small child, if that's the kind of thing you're into. Lord, look how dumb those tattoos are. [Daily Mail]