Amanda Bynes Will Not Be Stopped

Today in celebrity news: Updates on the Amanda Bynes saga, Justin Bieber is a reckless driver, and Aaron Paul had a bad wedding.

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The Amanda Bynes saga continues, as it will until its inevitable end. (Meaning when she gets her act together, enrolls in undergrad at Syracuse, and then after graduation moves to Paris to study architecture.) The latest news is that she says she plans to sue the New York Police Department, claiming she was groped during her arrest, and that she denies sending nasty tweets to Rihanna. On the arrest front, Bynes calls it a "mistaken arrest" and says that, in addition to the groping, she's "suing NYPD for illegally entering my apartment, lying about drugs on me and lying about me tampering with non existent drug paraphernalia, then I'm suing for being put into a mental hospital against my will, then locked up overnight for coming home after a facial and working out with my trainer like the good girl that I am." Well, to be fair, she wasn't locked up for coming home. No one's saying that. It's what she did when she was at home that's the trouble, I guess. That anyone in this country would be arrested for smoking weed in their own home is absurd, so I would agree with her if she was saying that, but she's not saying that. She denies doing any drugs or drinking any alcohol, ever. So... OK. She's free to take that road if she wants to, she is an American with those precious American rights, but it seems like a tough course. And then on the Rihanna tweets front, Bynes says that tweets from her account calling Rihanna ugly and saying that Chris Brown beat her for not being pretty enough were doctored, saying they were "mocked up tweets." Two things about this: 1) Rihanna's subtweet response was very good; and 2) TMZ leads its story about this with "Amanda Bynes is now claiming the tweets bashing Rihanna (pardon the pun)" Do you get that? "Bashing"? Like how Rihanna was assaulted in a car by Chris Brown? Isn't that a hilarious, winking, witty little aside? Good work, TMZ. Never not awful, those guys. Anyway, that's what's up with Amanda Bynes right now. Who knows what's next. (Just kidding. We know what's next. When she's in Paris she meets a nice Belgian guy named Gaspard and they date and move to Marseilles where he has a good job with the city and she becomes an architect and then they get married at Notre-Dame de la Garde and settle down and start a family. This story actually ends well, guys!) [Us Weekly; TMZ]

Uh oh. Canadian prince Justinius Bierbus is in trouble again. It seems he's been hot-dogging around his neighborhood in one of his roadsters, and his neighbors are not happy about it. Residents of Bieber's Calabasas 'hood have called the police, saying that Justin is zooming down streets at a "startling high rate of speed." I'd make a joke that he was just rushing to return a video to the video store before it closed and he incurred late fees, but it's not 1997 anymore and there's no such thing as video stores. So he was, I dunno, rushing out to the iPad store to get his smartphone fixed in time for the live tweet of the Angry Birds concert 2013. Whatever. The point is, Justin was poppin' wheelies all over town and the people don't want it, but Justin of course refused to talk to the police when they came 'round. Because he's Justin Bieber! What does he care if he's driving 100 mph in his Fisker even though there are children playing in the neighborhood? He's a 19-year-old boy, he is completely in control of his body and will react like a puma should anything dart into the road. Boys his age are known for their coordination and acuity, especially those that smoke a lotta weed. I think the neighborhood is SAFER for having Justin Bieber drag race against his own fears of male inadequacy all over town. This is a good thing, nosy neighbors. Just let this kid do whatever he wants. [TMZ]

Guys, I'm afraid I have some sad news. As much as we all like Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad — good actor, seemingly cool guy, handsome like the secretly smart stoner kid in shop class was handsome — he kinda, sorta had an annoying wedding. I know! I know. You'd think he'd have a cool, classy wedding, but nope. Sorry. He didn't. He had an annoying wedding. How annoying? "The evening wedding reception featured a small ferris wheel, a swing ride and a photo booth for the 1920s carnival-themed celebration. A source tells Us that there were men and women on stilts, burlesque dancers and even David Blaine doing magic tricks for guests in a red-and-white striped tent to round out the 1920s Parisan masquerade theme." That annoying. (Theme weddings are the worst.) But there's more. It gets even worse. Are you ready? I'm sorry to shatter all your illusions about Aaron Paul, but here it is: "According to eyewitnesses at the star-studded event, John Mayer played 'Daughters' as Parsekian, the co-CEO of Finding Kind Productions, danced with her father." Yup. John Mayer was there, and he played "Daughters" while the bride danced with her dad." Sigh. This is so sad. Aaron, no. No! Let's blame it all on the wife, shall we? This was all the wife's fault. Aaron wanted a quiet, simple affair by the beach, but the wife had to go all The Night Circus and then have a creepy father/daughter dance to creepy John Mayer's creepy song. Aaron didn't want it, but it happened. Let's go with that narrative, shall we? Because the alternative is just too sad. [Us Weekly]

Finally some happy news. Calvin Klein, 70, has reunited with his former porn star boyfriend, 23-year-old Nick Gruber, after some months — a year? — of unpleasantness involving a stint in rehab and the threat of a tell-all book. Both of those were on Gruber's part, in case there was any doubt. But yeah, despite all that the two are just so deep in love that they can't stay away from one another, recently jetting off to Mexico for a little vacation. So that's nice, right? It's good when true love finds its course. I hope they had a great time down under (that's what we call Mexico, right?). And I'm sure they'll have a long and happy life together, Nick getting bored a lot and saying "Whatever" and then later Calvin stroking Nick's chest and saying "So young, so young..." before giving him the injection and having his assistant put him up on the operating table. It's gonna be great! [Page Six]

Oh my. Someone has uncovered yearbook photos of Gwyneth Paltrow in her Spence days and they're pretty good. One in particular, and I think when you look you'll know which one I mean. They're all good, though. Each and every one. The Daily Mail is really putting that Yearbook Library account they paid for to good use. This is important stuff here. Look how regular she was, and yet always regal. Never not regal, that one. Well maybe in the one photo she isn't. You know which one. But otherwise, total elegance. Oh, and also there are some photos of Beyoncé with different hairstyles in there too, just for good measure. It's a good post. A solid B+ post from the Daily Mail. Not bad for a Tuesday. [Daily Mail]

Hugh Jackman helped a lady in the Hamptons as she was setting up her farmers market tent the other day. The product the lady was selling? Fat Ass Fudge Company. Which immediately made Hugh Jackman very uncomfortable and he ran away as soon as the tent was set up. Popped a tent and ran away. [Page Six]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.