What do you get when Time magazine asks celebrities to write about the greatness of other celebrities? The annual "Time 100," of course! But you also get a lot of terribly obnoxious back-patting, most of which, this year, is guardedly self aggrandizing.
Of course, the tributes aren't universally horrible. Jodie Foster's paragraph on Jennifer Lawrence is—as you might expect from Foster's Golden Globes speech—delightfully bizarre. The words from a fourth grader to Chris Christie are sweet. Some are somber, others reasoned, most intelligent.
And then there are the stinkers. These celebrities writing about other celebrities just have to remind Time's readers that they, too, are... celebrities. The praise is overwritten and ridiculous. Justin Timberlake just has to remind us that we weren't invited to his wedding. This is worse than that time Time made Jeremy Lin write about Tim Tebow because religion.
Here are some of the worst offenders on the 2013 list.
"I know a thing or two about building spaceships, having started Virgin Galactic."
"I've had the chance to meet LeBron James, and I know he's a Yankees fan. I also know it must be tough to root for the Yankees while living in Miami and Cleveland."
"He is cut from the same cloth as our forefathers who stood on Concord bridge and risked all to give birth to a truly free, independent America. Wayne's voice is the modern shot heard round the world."
"I sent him some caribou jerky from Alaska to help keep up his strength on the Senate floor. There's more where that came from for this bold Senator with 20/20 vision willing to take a stand for liberty."
"Jony is Obi-Wan. His team are Jedi whose nobility depends on the pursuit of greatness over profit, believing the latter will always follow the former, stubbornly passing up near-term good opportunities to pursue great ones in the distance."
"Picture this: I'm in the heart of an impromptu speech at my wedding reception in front of 150 guests, pouring it out to my lovely new bride. You could hear a pin drop. I paused for just a moment in between thoughts. And then there was Jimmy, shouting a joke from his seat, sparking an improv between the two of us that went on for a good five or 10 minutes and had all our guests roaring with laughter. Interrupting the groom’s speech at the wedding reception? Cracking jokes when your buddy is looking desperately for the words to say that he hopes his wife will remember forever? It turned into a moment that everyone there will remember forever. Anyone else would have bombed on that stage. And then I would have kicked their ass.
"But this was Jimmy Fallon.
"He just can't help himself. And neither can we."
"(He even put a ring on Beyoncé.)"