The 'Teen Mom' Sex Tape Nobody Wants to See

Today in celebrity news: A Teen Mom-and-a-porn-star rumor is running rampant across the Internet, Kate Middleton has a new boat, and Brad Paisley will not say he's sorry for that "Accidental Racist" song.

This article is from the archive of our partner .

Today in celebrity news: A Teen Mom-and-a-porn-star rumor is running rampant across the Internet, Kate Middleton has a new boat, and Brad Paisley will not say he's sorry for that "Accidental Racist" song.

Let's get this over with as quickly as possible, shall we? Yes, the big rumor in the celebrity-ish gossip world so far this week is that Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham has made a tape of sexual nature with none other than beloved pornography actor James Deen. He's the one with the huge female fanbase and the role in The Canyons opposite Lindsay Lohan. And, in fact, he's the one who told TMZ that he did the tape with Abraham. But they're not dating or anything. Deen told TMZ, "Definitely not dating. Got tested together on Friday and then saw her on set. That is my only experience with the lady." Aha. OK. So. Is it true? Abraham is being cagey, while her mother says absolutely not. "She was not brought up that way," she also tells TMZ. (Everyone stop talking to TMZ!) "We have religious beliefs." Ah yes, the ol' "He/She would never do that, they have religious beliefs" canard. The last refuge of the desperate. Really, guys, do we care if this poor Teen Mom star made a completely unspontaneous sex tape in order to drum up attention, to brighten up a fading star? It doesn't really matter either way. Though it's completely believable that she would. Paris Hilton obviously kicked that door open a bit, and then Kim Kardashian came and broke the whole thing down. So why not do one yourself? I mean, looking at the two examples of post-sex tape success overlooks the many many more examples of post-sex tape disaster, but whatever. Maybe Farrah is a cockeyed optimist. Believes that only good things will come. For her sake, I hope she's right. [TMZ]

All right, as long as we're starting this morning with news from terrible, exploitative reality shows, let's go ahead and discuss the rumors that the latest couple from The Bachelor, insurance hunk Sean Lowe and former Amazon worker Catherine Giudici, are having some troubles. See, Giudici and Lowe are living in Los Angeles while Lowe competes on Dancing With the Stars, leaving Giudici home all day and bored to tears. She's from Seattle and misses her friends, friends who think she has derailed her life and career to pursue this strange Bachelor thing. Rather than go out and enjoy Los Angeles (a pretty hard thing to do, to be fair), Giudici just "stays home watching TV" all day. Yikes! Supposedly Giudici is eagerly awaiting the day when Lowe is done with the show and they can move to Texas together as planned and start their lives. Oh, another thing about this Los Angeles living thing? Because Lowe is a "born-again virgin," they're not sharing a house. No, she's living on her own in a strange city while he goes and dances around with Bruno Tonioli or however that show works. That sounds like a real nightmare! But how will Texas be any different, until they marry at least? This whole thing feels like a mistake. All this for a couple hundred thousand Twitter followers and invitations to fifth-tier showbiz parties? I don't know if it's worth it. [Us Weekly (Oh, warning: That post features video with Us ghoul Ian Drew and some lady that autoplays, so mute your computers.)]

Oh phew, back to dignified things that matter. Katherine, Duchess of Cambridge, future Mad Queen of England, Scourge of the Scots, Curse of the Cornish, will soon be dedicating a new sea ship and sending it on a voyage. Like Queen Isabella before her, Kate will be blessing the boat has it heads out on a great journey. But unlike the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria, the Princess Cruises superliner Royal Princess will just do cruises of the Mediterranean for various chavs and whoever else goes on Princess Cruises. Yeah, that's all. Kate's whacking a bottle of champagne across the bow of Princess Cruises' new flagship. Sounds thrilling. "Oh, how... Charming..." Kate will say, taking a tour of the ship. "And these rooms are for... people? My what an interesting size they are..." Then she'll nod to her security, who will inform the Princess people that it's time for the ceremony, during which Kate will laugh gaily when she breaks the champagne, then turn to her head security and sharply whisper "Get me away from this floating toilet immediately." At which point she will be escorted back to her car and driven far, far away from that garish, unsightly vessel. It ain't easy being the future Queen! [People]

Brad Paisley will not apologize for the song "Accidental Racist," a terribly dumb thing that appeared on the Internet yesterday and immediately made Paisley and his collaborator LL Cool J laughing stocks. I mean, Paisley way more so, because LL is just singing about saggy jeans and gold chains, while Paisley is singing about the daggone Stars 'n' Bars. Although, LL does rap "If you don't judge my gold chains … I'll forget the iron chains," which is pretty bad. Anyway, Paisley says it's time for musicians to have the race conversation. "I just think art has a responsibility to lead the way," he says. Sure, art should. But not "Accidental Racist." Art should, absolutely. Just not this. But Paisley thinks it's a good conversation, adding, "We don't solve anything, but it's two guys that believe in who they are and where they're from very honestly having a conversation and trying to reconcile." Which, OK, I suppose we shouldn't make fun of his good intentions, but that doesn't mean that the song is any good in any way. Because it is not. Oh mercy, it is not. [People]

Theater drama! James McAvoy is currently performing the lead in The Scottish Play in London (that's Macbeth to people who don't honor goofy theater superstition) and he'd really appreciate it if you didn't record him while he's doing it. (It meaning the play.) He loudly told an audience member just that on Sunday night, stopping the performance to berate a man he caught filming. Here's hoping he said, "Is this a video camera which I see before me? I said, is this a f--king video camera which I see before me??" That would have been very exciting. Meanwhile in New York, an audience member collapsed during an intense scene of Alec Baldwin's new Broadway play Orphans. All of a sudden an announcer came on and said there was "an emergency in the mezzanine" and the production stopped. Baldwin reportedly "looked like he thought he was being punked." But he was not. The curtain closed for 20 minutes while the audience member was helped and then the show continued. When taken to the hospital and asked her name, the bewigged audience member said in a strange high-pitched voice, "Umm... Lia... Shabeouf..." [Daily Mail; Page Six]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.