Gwyneth's Supreme Beauty Secrets, Revealed

Today in celebrity news: People magazine has found the prettiest piece of glass in the known world, Justin and Selena kissed, and Rihanna makes it rain. 

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People magazine has finished its exhaustive annual search around the globe to find the world's most beautiful woman, inspecting every female face on the planet, peering in through windows and analyzing satellite images, venturing into even the remotest jungles and deserts and saying "Show us your women." And after all that they've decided that Gwyneth Paltrow, the collection of dandelion fuzz blown into human form by mysterious winds, is the fairest of them all. Gwyneth, ever humble, says that she's pretty regular and non-beautiful at home, so much so that she has a running gag with her husband about it. "He'll make a joke about it. If I've gotten fully dressed up, he'll be like, 'Oh, wow! You're Gwyneth Paltrow!' Because he's used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair." Ah ha ha, how droll! How lovely that must be. She then goes on to divulge some secrets of her world-besting beauty, crediting her youthful features to the strange glowing orb she found in a cave in Bhutan, her silky hair to the mysterious straw-spinning gnome Rumpelstiltskin, and her trim figure to her regular diet of songs about protein that she plays on the triangle every day at dawn in her backyard. At the end of the interview, the reporter looked down at his notes to make sure he had no more questions, but when he looked up she was gone, only a faint glimmer of light passing through the walls and then disappearing. During her yearly reign, should you need to consult Ms. Paltrow on matters of beauty, simply whisper her name three times in the mirror and listen for the soft tinkling of bells. Her secrets will be hidden in the notes, you need only to figure out how to decipher them. [People]

Oh my. "Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez Kissed in Norway," reads the headline. A Scandinavian smooch! It seems to have happened all the way back on April 18, when the former power couple reunited backstage at Justin's big Oslo concert. So they kissed, but it does not mean they are back together. It just means they like kissing, as kids tend to. Who knows if they will ever officially be a couple again or if this will just be the little dance they do around each other until they finally drift apart. I'd venture to guess that's the case, and then when they have their ten-year young celebrity class of 2013 reunion they'll both have a little too much to drink and will end up back at one of their hotel rooms, fumbling around for a while until one pulls away and says, "I'm married, I can't" and the other says, "I know." And they sit on the edge of the bed together, thinking about time, until one of them gets up and hurriedly puts their clothes back on and says, "I should go." The other not moving to respond, too exhausted by the ghost of old possibility, too tired to fight for anything in the present. And that will be that. When one of them is driving their rental car to the airport that afternoon, an old song that the two of them used to love will come on the radio, and there on the highway, zooming away under a bright sunny sky, they will cry for what once was, and for what they are heading toward. The two will speak once more, a quiet phone call when one of their parents has died, and that will be that. They'll hear about each other's lives — kids and jobs and other events — through distant mutual friends, they'll Google each other's names sometimes while bored at work, but there will be no more contact. Better to have the thing buried, they figure. Better to remember it perfect and young and fleeting than to drag it into the cautious and dreary world of adulthood, a strange and foreign place where they have suddenly, just like that, found themselves. [Us Weekly]

Speaking of Herr Bieber, a production company plans to make a reality show about The Oaks, Justin's neighborhood in Calabasas, the celebrity-filled Valley town where Justin has a house. Yeah it's a big zip code for stars — people like Bieber, like the Kardashians, like Travis Barker. No, it's not exactly a haven for top-quality, classy talents, but that's why it would be perfect for a reality show. The show, Calabasas 91302, is still looking for several families to film as subjects, though they can probably bet that not many of the actual famous people in the area will want to participate. Although, given who we're talking about, maybe some locals actually will bite? I mean, reality TV cameras are a way of life for most these people. They know little else. What a depressing place to live! [TMZ]

While on the topic of depressing things, I suppose I should mention that Jenelle Evans, the Teen Mom star who once seemed most likely to figure her way out of this whole thing intact, has been arrested once more, this time for heroin possession. Yes, the police came to her house on a domestic abuse complaint, and in the process discovered a dozen little packets of heroin. So that is really not good. Jenelle has had substance problems before, but was supposed to have gotten clean after a stint in rehab a little while back. It would seem that she's backslid. Which is terribly depressing. Heroin? I mean that is serious business. Really, what a wonderful number this show has done on its stars, huh? Not that a lot of these people wouldn't have made mistakes without a reality show and the attendant fame, but good grief does it feel like MTV exacerbated their issues. What was anyone thinking. [Us Weekly]

Rihanna went to a strip club in Miami this past weekend and "made it rain," as they say, giving some $8,000 to a stripper named Remy Redd. Well, rather, she threw $8,000 at Remy Redd's butt. I guess that's making it rain? The lady bumps her butt in everyone's faces and then you literally throw money at it. Huh. I guess I can't really see why that's fun. Just, "Here, let me throw hundred dollar bills at this woman's backside and then leave them all over the floor." Doesn't really feel that worth it. But, hey, to each their own, right? If Rihanna wants to spend her hard-earned money by tossing it at strippers' butts, that is absolutely her prerogative as both a woman and as a person who has $8,000 to throw on the floor. [TMZ]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.