Patrick Schwarzenegger Is in an Ocean

Today in famous people news: Arnold's kid was seen smooching in the ocean, J.Lo has been disinvited from India, and Miss Canada does not like Justin Bieber. 

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Today in famous people news: Arnold's kid was seen smooching in the ocean, J.Lo has been disinvited from India, and Miss Canada does not like Justin Bieber. 

It's Friday so let's just go ahead and talk about Patrick Schwarzenegger. The son of Arnold and Maria Shriver is currently in Hawaii with his family... and a girl. Yes, he's been photographed smooching with a fellow USC student named, get this, Taylor "Tootsie" Burns. Yes! Taylor Tootsie Burns. I mean, this is what Us Weekly says anyway. And I'm not sure that they should be trusted. The story about this alleged love affair is dubious. Well, not that alleged, there is a photo of them kissing in the ocean, but what ocean?? Us Weekly says it's the Atlantic, because Patrick was recently in both Cabo San Lucas and Miami, but now he's in Hawaii, and they say Maui in the story, so it's confusing! Where was Patrick Schwarzenegger kissing Taylor Tootsie Burns?? In what ocean for god's sake?? That we don't know which of the Earth's mighty oceans Patrick Schwarzenegger and Taylor Tootsie Burns were kissing in is both poetic and a sad reminder of how tiny we really are in a big, big world. Which ocean, ye gods?? Where was this blessed kissing event? No one knows. At least the Us Weekly article spends some time delving into more tangible things, like P. Schwarz's tweets. Like this one, when someone joked to him that eating junk food would ruin his physique: "Tell that to my six friends located on my stomach. They don't seem to agree." My six friends located on my stomach. You get what he's saying, right? Taylor Tootsie Burns does. [Us Weekly]

Jennifer "J.Lo" Lopez was scheduled to perform for tens of millions of people (via TV) at the opening ceremony for a big cricket tournament in India, but ultimately her demands proved too much. She wanted a private plane and a bunch of hotel rooms for all her people, people like a personal chef (I mean, it is India...) and "an army of stylists." That was too much for the organizers, so they said nope. And who did they book instead? Pitbull. Yeah, that guy. So take heart, J.Lo. You are exactly one rung above Pitbull on the Indian cricket ceremony fame ladder. I suppose there are worst places to be? [Page Six]

Uh oh. Justin Bieber's been having some problems lately — getting caught spitting on a neighbor who was complaining about his unsafe driving, collapsing at concerts, canceling other concerts — but none so big as this. Canada has turned against him. See, Miss Canada, who I believe is also the Queen of Canada, recently said that the Biebs is, and I quote, "a douche." Yiiiiiikes. It seems that one time she met him and said "I'm Miss Canada, do you want a picture?" and he said no. So... she wasn't asking him for a picture, she was asking if he wanted to take a picture with her. Oops. That's kind of embarrassing. No wonder she lashed out. I mean, I've no doubt that Justin Bieber is, in fact, "a douche," but saying that you offered him the wonder of a picture with YOU, Miss Canadian you, and that he said "Nah, I"m cool" and that makes him "a douche" is kind of lame. Shocking that Miss Canada would say something lame, I know, but it happened. It just freaking happened. [TMZ]

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell had their baby. It's a girl and it's called Lincoln. Yeah, like the town car. Or, I suppose, like the "city" in Nebraska. Or the president I guess! Who knows what the inspiration was. But, hey, good for them. They seem like a sweet couple, don't they? Sure she's on that terrible House of Lies program and he's... well, he's Dax Shepard, but beyond that. They seem like a good duo. That will probably be a cool kid, that Lincoln. Or, y'know, not. Who knows with kids. They're a mystery. [Daily Mail]

Gwyneth Paltrow isn't a total monster, you guys. She does let her kids eat crazy processed foods every once in a while. When they're at home, she makes them eat sawdust, yes, but when they're out, say at the airport or at the bone doctor who is probably concerned about everyone in that family's bones, they can eat a bag of Cheetos or their "Coke of the week." They have a Coke every week, I guess. A weird, delicious Coke. Which, whatever, fine. Kids should eat healthier than they do. It just sounds very regimented in the Paltrow-Martin house, that's all. "Please mom, my bones," one of the kids might say at some point. Their poor bones. I'm sure they're fine! But I do worry about them a little. Mostly I'm fascinated to see what they're like when they grow up. I won't be alive to see it though, because of my "Pile of mashed potatoes of the week" tradition. Oh well. [Us Weekly]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.