The Last Temptation of Joe Jonas

Today in celebrity gossip: Joe Jonas has a sex tape, Amanda Bynes has a crush on Drake, and the Tiger Woods-Linsey Vonn coupling might be a stunt.

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Well, this post from my old job now seems pretty naive. Joe Jonas, from boy band The Jonas Brothers, may have an actual sex tape. A gossip report says that Jonas has been filmed having rough, S&M-style sex with his lady friend Bland Eggenschwiler. Yes, that's her name. We've marveled at that fact before. What's important today is that this sex tape sounds pretty raunchy! Like, dildos raunchy. Joe Jonas + "dildos" = Everyone's sex nightmares. But also sex dreams? I mean, aren't we all a little curious about this video, which if it exists is getting released (ughhh) on April 3? I think we're all pretty curious. How can you read this about Joe Jonas and not be curious: "drinking, doing drugs, and engaging in sex using a number of sex toys and BDSM devices, including dildos, a gag ball, and a slapper paddle." AND a slapper paddle! And. A slapper paddle. Joe Jonas. From Camp Rock. Sex tapes are the worst thing, they're so annoying and should not happen anymore, but maybe we could stop the sex tapes just after Joe Jonas's? Like maybe we have room for just one more sex tape? I think we have room for that one. But then that's it! No more sex tapes, from anyone. I don't care if Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson just have to make their love official. We cannot have any more sex tapes. We'll get Joe Jonas's and then we're done. We're full up on sex tapes, thank you very much. If Harry and Louis want to send tapes to private individuals, they know how to reach me. But nothing public. No sir. That's it. Joe Jonas and his dildos is the last we should see of any of this. [Huffington Post]

Early this morning Amanda Bynes tweeted "I want @drake to murder my vagina." Like Drake the singer, Drake as in Aubrey Graham, who was Jimmy on Canada's Degrassi: The Next Generation. That Jimmy got shot. Amanda Bynes, from All That, said on Twitter that she wants Aubrey "Drake" Graham to "murder" her vagina. Look, I'm not really into this whole thing about how weird Amanda Bynes has been, because making fun of people who are clearly having some sort of crisis of mental health isn't really that cool, but I do think it's worth noting that a young woman who used to be on All That has tweeted that she wants a Degrassi star to have aggressive sex with her. Would she settle for Joe Jonas? Because it seems like he's willing and able. We all thought he was a little...  y'know... but apparently he's not! It seems he is actually into the ladies. So if she can't get Drake, which most likely she can't, would Amanda Bynes be content with Joe Jonas? If so, I'm sure someone can make it happen. [TMZ]

Is the love affair of Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn all a PR stunt? That's what Page Six is saying. See, Tiger needs to rehab his image after he was caught cheating on his wife with literally every woman, and Lindsey needs a publicity bump as she heads into the 2014 Olympic skiing season, so this is perfect. They "date" and make it public and everyone loves them and people forgive Tiger and Lindsey gets her skiing sponsorships and everyone wins. I can see the logic in it. And it would make sense that the couple who posed for a Facebook photo shoot is not exactly on the up-and-up. Like, that is a pretty strange thing to do. But you know what? If it is all a sham? Who really cares? I certainly don't. They can do what they want. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. They're ultimately not harming anyone but each other, so let's let 'em have it. Good luck with your likability campaign, Tiger. Hope that chapstick company comes around, Lindsey. Why not. This is America. May your businesses find success, you two. [Page Six]

Jonathan Taylor Thomas says he's happy he walked away from fame when he did. Totally the right decision to go to college with normals (well, Harvard normals anyway) and get away from the fame demon. Thomas who, according to People magazine, "left Hollywood at the height of his career." Though, hm. Is that really true? Like, was I'll Be Home For Christmas that much of a hit? I don't think it was. And then there's the matter of Speedway Junky, which basically exists solely to be the vehicle for a squeaky sitcom star to dirty himself up a bit. Point is, I don't know that JTT was at the height of anything. Really he was staring into a career abyss and wisely decided that he'd get out in front of it, quitting the biz before the biz quit him. I know that's harsh, but it's the truth. Come on now. Where was JTT going to go after Home Improvement? [People]

Here's a little thing about Carson Kressley getting the guys back together for a big Queer Eye for the Straight Guy reunion. Yeah, remember them? They exist still. But look, Carson is realistic about what the reunion would actually entail. "It might just be a barbecue at my house," he says. So, OK. As long as he's not planning some big TV thing that would ultimately leave people scratching their heads — "So the idea is that they're gay?" — there's nothing wrong with the Queer Eye guys getting back together. Have a fun time! Don't eat Jai's macaroni salad. Trust me. But beyond that, it's gonna be great. [Page Six]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.