The Oscar Parties You Weren't Invited To

Today in a special Academy Awards edition of celebrity gossip: A look at all the post-Oscar bashes and their fabulous attendees, from Vanity Fair conversations to Britney Spears's new hair. Plus an award-show lobby full of toilet water.

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The Vanity Fair Oscars party is always the most trendily attended of the mainstream parties (I'd have to assume that there are private to-dos so cool and so fun that we mortal humans couldn't even read the guest lists without melting), and it seems that this year did not disappoint. Natalie Portman and her ballet husband were there, Amy Poehler and Rashida Jones yukked it up, Zooey Deschanel wore a dress with strange sleeves, Sandra Bullock partied with her agent. Daniel Day-Lewis, Allison Williams, Chelsea Handler. All the greats. It was a night of glitter and glam, one that had the Sunset Tower Hotel rocking until the wee hours. Though, actually, only until about 2:30 a.m. This is Los Angeles, after all. And while none of these people were likely driving that night, they still had to be up with the sun to go on their government-mandated canyon hikes. So you can't blame them for not keeping New York hours. Still, it sounds — and looks — like a good time was had by all.

The hip VF party favor was a Zippo lighter with an Abraham Lincoln quote engraved on it, one fitting for the occasion: "It's my experience that folks who have no vices have generally very few virtues." In-N-Out burgers and Magnolia bakery cupcakes were on hand as snacks for the post-show revelers. Those who were there for the sit-down dinner viewing party ate a bit more fancily: "artichoke carpaccio, gemelli alla Genovesi and Chilean sea bass." Amy Poehler told Vanity Fair, "This is the party," while her show bud Rashida Jones said, "We don't get sloppy at this party." Zooey Deschanel gushed that "it’s just a bunch of really amazing people all in one room, and very elegantly thrown." Arriving after the show, Jennifer Aniston and her fiance Justin Theroux avoided the scrum of photographers and sneaked in through a side door, while Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr figured they need the exposure and posed for some photos. Sandra Bullock was seen with her agent as they "did a little choo choo train dance ... to get to the bar." Anne Hathaway showed up at about midnight and, when asked how she felt about her new shiny Oscar, said, "I love it, it's my favorite thing." Eyugh. Daniel Radcliffe was there for a bit but eventually left to go to one of those super exclusive post-post-parties, probably somewhere high up in the Hollywood Hills with an infinity pool and a cocaine cabana.

All told it sounds like a glorious occasion, the room teeming with beautiful millionaires while regular fans shrieked from behind barricades outside. But of course that's de rigueur in Los Angeles. Last night was the end of a two-month-long parade of parties and exclusive events, like the social season days of old. So everyone's pretty used to the flashy routine by now. Everyone knows their role, knows their place, knows where to find the best private parties to end the night, the best quaalude quonset huts or whatever strikes their fancy. It's a well-oiled machine, oiled by insanely expensive champagne. And, of course, by the sweaty desperation of actors. Vital, necessary actors. [Page Six; Vanity Fair; Vanity Fair]

As he does every year, Elton John held a viewing party as a benefit for AIDS research, with guests including Jim Carrey, Nicki Minaj, Bono, Miley Cyrus, and some of the kids from Glee. Oh, and Britney Spears, who drew attention for showing up with brown hair. Yes, brown hair! It was the biggest story of the evening, and apparently many people at the party were whispering about how good she looked. She was only there for about a half-hour, between 10:30 and 11:00, but she made an impression. Who knows why she dyed her hair brown, but it's all the world will be talking about for some time. Heidi Klum made an impression, too, wearing a gold dress with a really low neckline. "A lot of people are complimenting my dress, but they aren't looking into my eyes when they say it," she humbly told reporters, who were probably not looking into her eyes either. Though it's possible that people were just afraid to make eye contact, she being a tall teutonic kingmaker and all. Elsewhere, Anna Paquin was seen taking a lint brush to her husband Stephen Moyer's tuxedo before they took photos. I guess he's been rolling around with cats in his formalwear again. All told, a fabulous event. [People; Page Six]

The Governors Ball is the big formal party that all the winners have to go to, taking their awards to an engraving station to get their names put on their trophies and everything. There was a triple chocolate fountain, though not all the guests were thrilled with the food. Barbra Streisand was seen being offered an appetizer plate and saying "What's that?" before walking away. Which sounds exactly right, exactly what you'd expect from Barbra Streisand. "What is that? Huh? What? Food? Why would I want food? Huh? What?" Ben Affleck's publicist shooed away a reporter who'd written some not-so-good things about Argo, Affleck reportedly looking annoyed. Must have still been smarting from that Gigli joke. Academy officials were heard praising host Seth MacFarlane to the high heavens. Quentin Tarantino apparently sought out the guy who wrote Flight and told him the movie was "a classic '70s-style drama," which I'm not sure is a compliment. The Governors Ball is a pretty staid affair, and almost everyone had cleared out by 11:30. Governors are boring, I guess? [The Hollywood Reporter]

The night wasn't all chichi glamour, though. There was a big toilet problem at the actual show. It seems a water pipe burst, possibly after a bad flush, and the lobby flooded with smelly toilet water. The poor Dolby Theater staff had to use vacuums to clean up the mess. It all seems strangely fitting, doesn't it? The lobby at the Oscars being full of sh-t. And then the toilet flooding on top of that! [TMZ]

Earlier in the weekend, Jennifer Lawrence was seen being cozy with Bradley Cooper and Leonardo DiCaprio at a pre-Oscars party at the Soho House held by Harvey Weinstein. According to Page Six, Lawrence "drew envious stares from other women as she rested her hand on Cooper’s shoulder while in intense conversation with DiCaprio." Oh ho ho. Might there be something there to be envious about? At 22, Lawrence is just the right age for DiCaprio. Though she's never posed for Victoria's Secret to my knowledge, so that might disqualify her. No matter the case, the girl had a good weekend. We can say that for sure about Jennifer Lawrence. As far as 22-year-olds' weekends go, or really anyone's weekend, Jennifer Lawrence's was probably pretty close to the top of the list. Next weekend is gonna seem like kind of a letdown in comparison, I bet. [Page Six]

The Independent Spirit Awards were held on Saturday afternoon, with Andy Samberg as host. In case you had better things to do on a Saturday afternoon, here's a video of his funnier-than-MacFarlane opening monologue. There's a Weekend at Bernie's joke in case anyone was wondering.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.