'Texas Chainsaw' Cuts Bilbo Back to Size

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Welcome to the Box Office Report where this should be known as the week before everyone sees and opines endlessly about Zero Dark Thirty.

1. Texas Chainsaw 3D (LionsGate): $23 million in 2,654 theaters

What do you get when it's that week in January where the major Oscar contenders have been out for two weeks, and the next favorite for Best Picture, Zero Dark Thirty, isn't released until the following week? You get a Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot/remake/rebequel surprise at the top of the box office. It should be noted that the last Texas Chainsaw movie came out in 2006, so there's a whole new crop of teenagers who haven't been exposed to the franchise. Poor them. 

2. Django Unchained (Weinstein Company): $20.1 million in 3,010 theaters [Week 2]

Don Johnson's character's name in Django is "Big Daddy," which is a reference to an old Hollywood legend about his, um, you know. Anyway, he told the New York Post this week that his, um... Well, he wasn't sure he deserved the moniker, you know? 

3. The Hobbit (Warner): $17.5 million in 3,755 theaters [Week 4]

The good news is that the Box Office Report will now stop for series of exposes on the evil exploits of Peter Jackson. In fact, we can now reveal that most of everything we said was a joke. He's a good guy, mostly. He's just misguided. Like a lost puppy who loves movies that are too long. 

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4. Les Miserables (Universal): $16 million in 2,904 theaters [Week 2]

Now, our history isn't perfect, and we didn't pay too much attention to the dates in the movie, but for a flick about the French revolution there was a distinct lack of beheadings in Les Mis.   

5. Parental Guidance (Fox): $ 10.1 million in 3,367 theaters [Week 2]

At this point the Box Office Report only have one reaction when thinking about Billy Crystal and Bette Midler headlining a movie together (and dragging Marissa Tomei along with them): 

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.