Well, the 3,000th Golden Globe Awards ceremony has come to a close, so let's take a second to think about what we learned. It turns out Argo does, indeed, have some strong awards potential behind it, winning for Best Director and Best Picture. Anne Hathaway assured us of her shoe-in status by taking the Best Supporting Actress prize, while a big fight between Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence brewed, with both winning top acting trophies as they head into the long Academy Awards campaign slog. (Not that either will likely do much campaigning themselves, but others will certainly do it for them!) Similarly, there could be an Oscar face-off between Daniel Day-Lewis and Hugh Jackman, who both won tonight, though really DDL is so far ahead of the rest of the pack that it feels like a foregone conclusion.
But the biggest thing we learned tonight is that Jodie Foster is kind of strange. Yes, in her long and meandering Cecil B. Demille Award acceptance speech, the lifelong actress tossed out a bunch of weird inside jokes about Robert Downey Jr., spoke oddly about her much-debated sexual orientation (she kinda sorta came out, but mentioned that she already had done so before?), and issued a call for privacy while also saying that she wants "to be seen." Basically she mortified her two sons, who were sitting in the audience. They were perhaps more embarrassed than even Michael J. Fox's son, who was this year's Mr. Golden Globe. Foster's speech was certainly an entertaining highlight in an otherwise staid show — where the heck were hosts Amy and Tina all night? — even if it maybe didn't do Ms. Foster any favors.
So that's the show that was. Here's a list of all the winners, but scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post and then read up if you want a rehash — with GIFs! — of the glittery gala that was. (Also: red-carpet moments, best and worst dressed, the monologue, Lena Dunham, Tommy Lee Jones, after-parties, and what all this really means for the Oscars.)
11:00 - Poehler and Fey make one final, brief appearance, ending the most host-less hosting gig ever.
10:58 - Surprise! Sort of. Argo wins Best Drama. This actually does give it some Oscar momentum, probably.
10:57 - Here's what that mean WRAP UP sign looks like:
10:51 - I always forget that DDL is funny.
10:50 - Finally Daniel Day-Lewis gets some recognition as an actor.
10:48 - Chastain wins Best Actress Drama for Zero Dark Thirty, meaning this really is an Oscar race between Lawrence and Chastain.
10:47 - Jessica Chastain is full of faces tonight.
10:46 - Chad Lowe is having a good night.
10:42 - Amanda Seyfried doesn't look that excited to hugged by Hathaway.
10:41 - Again, as expected, Les Miz wins Best "or Musical." Anne Hathaway grabs the mic.
10:39 - A drunk Jeremy Renner just said "shitty" while introducing Zero Dark Thirty. More controversy!
10:33 - Jackman just thanked "Tim and Eric"! I knew Les Miz looked kinda weird.
10:31 - As expected, Hugh Jackman wins for Les Miz. I mean, the Golden Globe "or Musical" thing basically exists for movies like Les Miz.
10:30 - Christian Bale seems like a real barrel of laughs, huh?
10:24 - Whoa, just got a glimpse of the "WRAP UP" sign. That thing is bright and rude.
10:22 - The HFPA really likes Girls, it would seem. Names it Best Comedy. So much hipper than the Emmys.
10:21 - Jay Leno making dated, but I guess appreciated, Late Night Wars jokes.
10:17 - Aw, Academy-snubbed Ben Affleck wins Best Director prize. Gives nice kiss to his wife. Aw.
10:15 - "PRIVACY" - Jodie Foster. "I want to be understood deeply." - Jodie Foster two minutes later.
10:14 - Whatever that was, Jodie Foster's speech totally enlivened an otherwise sleepy show.
10:13 - Trying to figure out what that longgg audio black-out was during Foster's speech. A string of swears? Illuminati secrets?
10:11 - This Jodie Foster speech is the most surreal awards show thing since Soy Bomb.
10:09 - Here is perhaps the strangest thing from the Jodie Foster clip reel.
10:08 - JODIE FOSTER HAS COME TO BURN THIS MOTHER TO THE GROUND
10:05 - Lifetime achievement winner Jodie Foster is a lot weirder than I thought she was! And I thought she was pretty weird!
10:04 - And, Glenn Close pretending to be drunk/having some sort of fit.
10:02 - Here's an excellent GIF of Tina Fey reacting to Lena Dunham's "middle school" mention, from Daniel Pesick.
10:01 - I'm really not sure what these words that Robert Downey Jr. is saying are.
9:59 - Hahahah, ya burnt, Taylor Swift. Tina Fey has burnt ya.
9:57 - I remember that night when I was 27-years-old and I won a Golden Globe and had the second season of my critically lauded show premiere. Good memories.
9:51 - Wow, big win for Girls star/creator/director/writer/everything else Lena Dunham. Unexpected, judging by how far back they sat her.
9:50 - Aziz Ansari really going for broke on this not-so-good bit.
9:48 - Liev Schreiber doesn't really seem to believe that Life of Pi is a "cinematic masterpiece."
9:46 - Instead of Amy and Tina, we get Sacha Baron Cohen making Anne Hathaway upskirt jokes. Hm.
9:40 - In some ways I have to assume that all the Homeland love is residual from the first season. I fully expect a chillier reception next year, after the memory of the lackluster second season has really sunk in.
9:38 - I refuse to believe that Claire Danes, Best Drama Actress winner for Homeland, had a baby like a month ago.
9:37 - Awards shows are great because we get to see Julianna Margulies's alarmingly handsome husband.
9:36 - Has anyone ever seen Michael Haneke and Christopher Lee in the same room?
9:35 - OH LORD IT'S HAPPENING. MICHAEL HANEKE JUST SHOOK FELLOW AUSTRIAN ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S HAND.
9:34 - Oh god please let Sylvester Stallone give an award to the movie Amour.
9:33 - Please welcome two old men who pretend to kill people for a living.
9:30 - The awards have been jumping around so much that I can't figure out what we have left.
9:29 - Don Cheadle: "I'm very proud of this show." Has he seen the show?
9:28 - And the Hollywood Foreign Press are the only people who like House of Lies.
9:27 - I'm not sure Lucy Liu's dress is big enough.
9:26 - I want my ringtone to be Jeremy Irons saying "Salmon fishing in the Yemen."
9:24 - Quentin Tarantino also seems to have lifted a few.
9:23 - Robert Pattinson seems a liiiiittle bit sauced.
9:22 - Amanda Seyfried LOVES LACE. Haha, get it? Because she's playing that porn star?
9:21 - Well, one down. Just the SAG and Oscar speeches to go until Hathaway's awards tour is over.
9:19 - Atlantic Wire reader Richard Dreyfuss is in the pro-Hathaway camp.
9:18 - Is there anyone who Anne Hathaway doesn't love or find amazing?
9:16 - "Blergh." - Anne Hathaway
9:15 - OH GOD, HERE WE GO.
9:14 - When was the last time Megan Fox was relevant?
9:13 - Twitter is angry that Mandy Patinkin didn't win.
9:12 - These categories are really jumping all over the place. I need a little more flow here, Golden Globes producers.
9:09 - So... Does this make Lawrence the one to beat come Oscar time? Obviously we'll have to see who wins for Motion Picture Drama, but her only real competish is Jessica Chastain, and Zero Dark Thirty has a near-fatal amount of controversy stink surrounding it.
9:08 - Here are the highlights from the Fey/Poehler opening monologue.
9:07 - Harvey Weinstein killing people joke goes over much better.
9:06 - Jennifer Lawrence makes sassy "I beat Meryl!" joke that doesn't seem to sit well with the crowd.
9:03 - This extended Wiig/Ferrell bit is pretty wonderful. It's like Garth & Kat but about movie stars!
9:00 - He's here to introduce Lincoln, duh. But wow did the crowd go nuts.
8:58 - WHAT ON EARTH IS BILL CLINTON DOING THERE??
8:58 - As promised, here is the angry Taylor Swift GIF. Very much not amused.
8:57 - "The red carpet. I walked on it." - Kevin Costner
8:56 - Kevin Costner's grizzled comeback campaign continues! Might he be a movie star again soon?
8:54 - Don't worry, folks. An Angry Taylor Swift Reaction Face GIF is on its way.
8:50 - Well, she said "pissing ourselves laughing," so I guess that's close enough.
8:49 - Adele wins for "Skyfall." Really wish she would just say "Fanks a f-ckin' lot for this 'ere award" and walk off stage.
8:48 - Wait, Stand-Up Guys came out this year and had a Bon Jovi song in it?
8:45 - Best Score is one of the most important, and most overlooked category. Lots of gorgeous music this year, but Mychael Danna's Life of Pi score wins.
8:42 - Wait, this guy Tony Mendez looks nothing like Ben Affleck.
8:41 - Also on Twitter, people wondering what Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr. are talking about. Probably just small talk. What do those dudes really have in common, y'know?
8:38 - People on Twitter (namely me) seem pretty excited about Chris Brody being up there on stage. Get that kid some huevos rancheros!
8:35 - Homeland wins for Best Drama after very awkward technical mishap. Aaron Sorkin looks none too pleased.
8:35 - Our own Esther Zuckerman has made an important GIF of Tina Fey touching Amy Poehler.
8:34 - Just going to pretend that the Pippa who Damian Lewis just thanked is Pippa Middleton. Celebrate!
8:33 - DAMIAN LEWIS WINS FOR BRAVE PERFORMANCE AS SERGEANT NICHOLAS CRAZYFACE
8:32 - Does Bradley Cooper have Paul Rudd's hair, or does Paul Rudd have Bradley Cooper's hair?
8:31 - Nothing says Best Exotic Marigold Hotel quite like Rosario Dawson.
8:29 - Really wish Dr. Aida Takla-O'Reilly has done some singing at the top of her speech.
8:23 - Catherine Zeta-Jones awkwardly sings for the first time since A Little Night Music.
8:21 - Here's a GIF of Jessica Chastain reacting to that James Cameron joke, via Atlantic Wire friend Bobby Finger.
8:20 - Jay Roach gets in there with a very timely Sarah Palin dig.
8:18 - Sarah Paulson looks terrified that Game Change has won for Best TV Movie/Miniseries. Probably because it means more of those late-night hangup calls from that Alaska area code.
8:17 - Mr. and Mrs. Golden Globe is America's oldest arranged marriage tradition.
8:15 - I'm old enough to remember when Sofia Vergara wasn't in every commercial.
8:13 - Oh how I wish there was an alternate broadcast that was just the stars mingling during commercial breaks.
8:12 - Foreigners living in America give award to foreigner who won't travel to America.
8:09 - CHRISTOPH WALTZ WINS for Django Unchained. Might make him the Oscar favorite? Well, maybe if the Golden Globes really had any bearing on the Oscars. Also, does everyone talk like Christoph Waltz on his home planet?
8:08 - Was that just Lea Michele making fun of Kate Hudson's dress?
8:07 - If you want a live comedy bit done right, you go to Mandy Patinkin.
8:04 - OK, James Cameron and HPV jokes have righted the ship.
8:03 - Not really rolling in the aisles here yet...
8:00 - Here we go folks!
7:58 - Our own Esther Zuckerman has made some GIFs of the most ridiculous red carpet moments.
7:55 - Savannah Guthrie will be right back with "some final thoughts" on the NBC red carpet special. Good. I think we need some careful consideration of this important broadcast.
7:54 - GOOD GRIEF, NBC. Why is Jay Leno being interviewed? Why?? He just called Amy Poehler's show "Parks and Recs."
7:53 - OK, folks talking about how cold it is. It's 53 degrees in Los Angeles. Suck it up.
7:47 - It's weird that movie stars spend months in a row answering the same four or five questions over and over again. No wonder they're crazy! The word "torture" will send Jessica Chastain into convulsive fits after this winter.
7:44 - Well, now Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz are just showing off.
7:42 - Matt Lauer telling us that people have the same tickets to the Golden Globes red carpet bleachers "year after year." Thanks for being such a downer, dude.
7:33 - Not sure I'm digging this color on Jessica Chastain. It looks like chewing gum. Or those pellets you put in your toilet to clean it?
7:31 - With the exception of Lena Dunham and Jennifer Lawrence, NBC really is focusing on the oldsters. Kevin Costner had lots of interesting things to say. NOT! (That's an old-people joke.)
7:29 - Is it true that Daniel Day-Lewis and Rebecca Miller live in a tent in the Irish countryside? Didn't I read that somewhere?
7:28 - Oh good grief, Matt Lauer is making Aeschylus and Agamemnon jokes. What is this, mid-'90s Bravo? Get it together, NBC.
7:26 - Right now Ricky Gervais is probably standing at the window, staring out and quietly regretting saying no this year.
7:23 - Hathaway's awards blitz has officially begun. Will we survive it? Will anyone? We will not know until February 25.
7:21 - Bahahaha, Jennifer Lawrence towering over Al Roker is wonderful. Not a very dignified week for Mr. Roker.
7:19 - John Krasinski is handsome. There. I said it.
7:17 - Eat your heart out, Oberlin.
7:15 - Jimmy Fallon's been brought on to pep-up this NBC broadcast. Which is lit very strangely? Is Steven Soderbergh directing it?
7:10 - Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are one of showbiz's strangest couples? I like that they live out on a farm in Tennessee, though.
7:08 - I can never shake the feeling that Amy Adams is full of rage.
7:06 - Downton Abbey's Michelle Dockery is winning the fashion race so far. There's something very Blanchett-y about this dress?
7:04 - The NBC red carpet coverage is done gently; for old people, by old people.
7:02 - Just switched over to NBC's red carpet coverage, because a human being can only stand so much Giuliana Rancic. Sorry, E!.
7:00 EST - Hello and welcome! If you need a refresher, here is the list of this year's nominees, and as if you needed more incentive to drink tonight, here are the rules to hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's Golden Globes drinking game.
All images via AP.