Sunday night marks the broadcast of the sure-to-be-glittery and drunken Golden Globe Awards, a laid-back night in which millionaire stars of film and television are handed glorious golden trophies by their champagne-sozzled peers. So who will win? Well, the real nominees will. But who cares about them? Here are some predictions about who will really come out on top on Hollywood's second-biggest night. (See you back here Sunday night for a live blog of the proceedings.)
Best "I Know Meryl Streep"
Though she had nothing to do Les Misérables, Streep will be thanked by a gushing Anne Hathaway when she wins Best Supporting Actress. It will serve as yet another reminder that, in case you didn't know, Anne Hathaway knows Meryl Streep.
Best Muscle Memory
Out of sheer force of habit, the two Modern Family nominees, Eric Stonestreet and Sofia Vergara, go up on stage to accept the Supporting Actor trophies, only to be reminded that this is the Golden Globes, so they've actually just lost to Mandy Patinkin and Maggie Smith.
Presenter Debra Messing walks out on stage wearing her famous Smash rehearsal-room love scene outfit, meaning sneakers, baggy black sweatpants, and nothing else.
During an "In Memoriam" segment, the camera pans over to the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel table.
The Hollywood Foreign Press names The Newsroom the Best Drama Series of the year, just so Aaron Sorkin can say some self-important things and everyone will get mad and decide to hate-watch the show again this year. It will later be revealed that it was a paid HBO marketing stunt. A successful one.
In a response to three-time emcee Ricky Gervais, this year's hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler spend most of the show deep in prayer, urging winners to thank God and leading the audience in the Our Father at the end of the broadcast.
Best Triumphant Moment
Accepting the award for Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama, Rust & Bone's Marion Cotillard bravely forgives the whale that ate her legs.
After winning Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama for The Master, the usually anti-awards Joaquin Phoenix giddily jumps up and down, thanks Meryl Streep, apes Kate Winlset's line "Well it's not a shampoo bottle now!" and tells his nonexistent children to go to bed.
While accepting the award for Best Actor in a Drama Series, Homeland's Damian Lewis tells a stunned crowd that he can't except the award, "Because, let's face it, I really wasn't that good this season. I mean, did you see that crazy face I made in that one scene? Come on. Here, Bryan, you take it."
Owing to its life-long love affair with Nicole Kidman, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association awards Best Original song to her husband Keith Urban for his tune from Act of Valor, beating Adele's "Skyfall" and "Suddenly" from Les Miz. Those nominees respond by shrugging their shoulders and waiting for the Oscars.
Accepting the award for Best Motion Picture Drama, the producers of Zero Dark Thirty accidentally spoil the ending.
Best Honesty, Part 2
Glenn Close wins the Best Actress TV Drama prize for Damages, and says in her speech, "I, too, had no idea this show was still on."
Best Google News Alert
When Julianne Moore wins Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie for Game Change, Sarah Palin's long-silent Google alerts start to go crazy. Her initial excitement fades when she realizes it's just that mean New York actress winning another stupid award and she goes back to reading old Concerned Women for America posts from 2008.
Someone idly flipping through the channels on Sunday night catches a glimpse of Kevin Costner winning an award (for Hatfields & McCoys) and thinks it's 1991 again. It's a nice feeling until they lean in closer and see how old Costner's gotten. Oh, well.
Accepting the Best Directing award for Argo, Ben Affleck reuses his Critics Choice Awards "I'd like the thank the Academy" joke, nodding with a smile as the audience chuckles and applauds, all the while quietly dying inside.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to email@example.com.