These Stars Are Really in Danger Now

Today in show business news: Fox announced the cast for its death not-so-much-defying diving show Stars in Danger, Bret Easton Ellis strikes again in his Twitter troll war, and there will be no Friday Night Lights movie.

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Welp, this thing really is happening. Fox has announced a premiere date and the cast for its celebrity high-diving show, so the following people will soon be dead: Jwoww from Jersey Shore; Alexandra Paul, who most people remember as the one lady with short brown hair and no boob job on Baywatch; David Chochaki, a dude on Baywatch who had long blond hair and a beautiful boob job; football player Terrell Owens; some surfer lady; Antonio Sabato Jr., who is famous for... being Antonio Sabato Jr.; and, finally, and best of all, most harrowing and scary of all, are Real Housewives of Beverly Hills stars and real-life sisters Kyle and Kim Richards. Yes, Kyle and Kim Richards are going to go on the celebrity high-diving show, meaning they are going to hurl themselves off a three-story building into a swimming pool. So, say your goodbyes to them now, especially — let's be honest — to Kim, because they will soon be floating face down in a swimming pool, surrounded by hair. I mean the show is called Stars in Danger for god's sake. Someone is going to die, and there's just no way it won't be Kim Richards. It's too poetic a way for her to go out for it not to happen: "I thought it would be fun," she says with a croak, tossing herself off the platform, limbs akimbo, cackling as she goes down, lighting a long cigarette before she hits the water, and then a smack and a crack and a thwack, a burst of light, the audience gasps and screams, the splash settles, and all that's floating there is a gold sequined tunic and some weave. No body, but still the faint smell of cigarette smoke in the air. (Oh, and, this is all happening on January 9th.) [Deadline]

Ugh. Twitter's worst troll, obsolete writer Bret Easton Ellis, went on to the social platform last night and, like poor Kim, tossed himself over the edge once again. This time he started tweeting about Zero Dark Thirty, which he apparently didn't like all that much, and then said about its director: "Kathryn Bigelow would be considered a mildly interesting filmmaker if she was a man but since she's a very hot woman she's really overrated." Soooo, yikes, and ugh, and of course this set off a whole sh-t storm, which is exactly what BEE wanted in the first place. I know it's hard, I do it too sometimes, but we gotta stop feeding this troll. And he does have a point about Kathryn Bigelow not being a visionary, maybe, as her record is a little spotty, but her looks have nothing to do with anything, I don't think. Plus, when he cited her resumé in a followup tweet ("followup tweet" is the phrase the lost souls repeat over and over again in the flaming poop pits in hell), he didn't include, probably deliberately, her most enduring film, Point Break. So he's not actually trying to make a valid point. He's just being a jackass. So let's all let the jackass do his jackass things in his sad dark room and go read books by writers who are still remotely relevant. The end. [The Hollywood Reporter]

Plans have been announced to turn Guillermo del Toro's lovely fantasy/horror film Pan's Labyrinth into a stage musical. It's a London-based producer who's putting it together, so maybe that means it'll be a West End show, but who knows, it could someday come to our shores. And if it does, we know just the stage dynamo to play the movie's most enduring character, that creepy eye-hands monster: Miss Sutton Foster!! Yes, I think the Bunheads star would be the perfect blend of panache, technical ability, and monsterish charm to pull off the challenging role. If she's not available, we go with Chenoweth, and if she's not available we go to Lea Michele. Who is actually our first choice, but she's probably too hard to get. The rest of the cast can be nobodies for all we care. We just want eye-hands to be played by the right person. [Deadline]

Kyle Chandler says there will be no Friday Night Lights movie because the series ended the story exactly where it should have ended. And while some of you might be saying, "Oh, clam up, you old jerk," because you really want a Friday Night Lights movie, when you actually think about it for more than a Texas second (which is six hours), you'll realize that Pa Chandler is right. They've said enough about that, haven't they? About all those people. We're done. We don't miss them, exactly, because missing means you might one day get them back, and we can't, not ever. So we remember them, is all. Fondly. And that's all there is to that. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't have another Friday Night Lights movie. [The Hollywood Reporter]

Casey Affleck is set to star in a film about the Boston strangler, which is just about perfect. He's funny and seems nice and all, but he's also creep city, could totally see him being a strangling murderer. Shudder. Perfect casting. Love it. I'm already scared. Hm? What's that? Casey Affleck would be playing one of the detectives, not the strangler? Aha. I see. I... I'm sorry, Casey. I... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I'll show myself out. [Deadline]

Here is a first-look picture at Orlando Bloom once again at his peak attractiveness, meaning in his Legolas wig and elf ears. This is a shot from the third Hobbit movie, There and Back Again, which comes out in 2014. He looks good! A little older, maybe, but time has a tricky way of making that happen. And really it's just nice to see him back where he belongs. He made such an impression all them years ago in Lord of the Rings and then everything after was just like... ugh. So, good. Return to what you're best at, I say. He should just look like that forever. Get the elf ear surgery, keep the wig on forever, boom, you're done. Good life, that. Because The Good Doctor and memories of Elizabethtown, the worst movie of the '00s? Not so great. Legolas 4 ever, we say. [Entertainment Weekly]

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