In Which Taylor Swift and One Direction's Harry Styles Get Serious

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Another day, another Taylor Swift relationship with a polarizing 18-year-old. She's no longer barking up the Kennedy tree, having split with RFK's grandson and known high-school student Connor Kennedy at the end of this summer. No, today she's on to British royalty. Not actual royalty royalty, but certainly the prince of the tween fever kingdom, crowned by a golem made of hormones and tears. Swift has been seen palling around with One Direction flop-top Harry Styles recently, and now it's moving past casual flirting and perhaps into something more real. Styles and his merry band of twinks will be performing in New York next week (stay away from Madison Square Garden in the next seven days or so) and during that time he's planning on introducing his mother to Taylor, which is a big deal for an 18-year-old boy. Might we be hearing wedding bells? Hm? Those are just noises I hear in my head now that I've been carted down to the sanitarium for spending way too much time thinking and talking and writing about the love lives of faraway foreign teenagers? Ah, OK. I suppose next you're going to tell me that these all these spiders crawling all over me aren't real, either. They are? Oh. Oh, dear. [The Sun]

Someday far in the future, this will be some kind of Aesopian fable with a cautionary moral, but for now it's just a story about two gnarly old critters scratchin' each other's backs. It seems that Charlie Sheen, the inspiration for those dolls made out of cocaine in Traffic, gave Lindsay Lohan, one of those dolls made out of cocaine in Traffic, $100,000 to help her out of some tax problems. It seems Linds owed the IRS like $230,000 in back taxes, so Sheen gave her an assist by paying off almost half of it. Which is really sweet and generous and all that, but a couple of things make us nervous. One, Charlie Sheen doesn't just give you a hundred thousand dollars. Charlie Sheen wants something from you. How much you wanna bet that when he sent over the check there was a note that said, "Now you owe me. You're on call. Be ready to meet me in the desert with a shovel and some hydrochloric acid at any moment"? That's likely what happened. "I give you this money, you gotta give me your pee." Though in this case, I'm not sure that would do much good. So there's that to be concerned about, and also there's the fact that I'm pretty sure gifts from Charlie Sheen are highly taxable. I'm not up on my tax code of late, but I'm pretty sure that gifts from Charlie Sheen falls somewhere between "items stolen while a member of the Bling Ring" and "loose hundos found in Kelsey Grammer's jeans" on the taxation scale. Meaning the IRS is still coming for you, Lindsay. Watch out. [TMZ]

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There was a special screening of the Les Misérables movie in New York on Friday, and people went apenuts. Just completely insane over this thing. There is basically no way that Anne Hathaway is not going to win a g.d. Oscar for her whimpering work as a dying French hooker. So, pack up your apocalypse wagon, because end-time's a'comin'. Hathaway was at the screening and afterward told reporters about the crazy diet she put herself on to lose twenty-five pounds for the role. She said that she would say to costar Hugh Jackman between takes, "I can have half a potato for my next meal!" You know, in that jokey way that Anne Hathaway, and every theater-kid nightmare, does. But the weight loss was effective, as apparently people were quite taken with the Ella Enchanted star's portrayal of an impoverished French prostitute perishing in the feces-strewn street. Oh, she also cut her hair for the role, which she said made her look "like my gay brother." Which. Hm. Couldn't you just say "like my brother"? Why is the gay important there? Because something something gay is girly? Does he have an Audrey Hepburn haircut, too? Or, actually, no. Let's keep the Hepburn comparisons out of this. Does he have a Mary Martin in Peter Pan haircut, too? I just don't get why it's important to say that. Well, I guess maybe she has a straight brother who of course has a long, thick, shaggy pelt of cro-magnon hair that he washes with reindeer and raw steak, so she had to make the distinction. OK. [Page Six; Us Weekly]

Speaking of weight loss, here's everything Jessica Simpson ate while trying, and succeeding, to lose weight following having a baby. Basically she ate nothing. There are things like "2 Whole Grain Ryvita Crackers + 3 tbsp hummus" as a snack. That's not a snack, that's what you eat while thinking about what you want to have for a snack! Ridiculous. Also: "16 Slices Yves Veggie Pepperoni + 5 large iceberg lettuce leaves + 3/4 cup salsa." Haha, what? The hell kind of snack is that? How do they even go together? "You put the veggie pepperoni in the lettuce leaf and then you dip all of that into the salsa." Or do you put the salsa on top of the lettuce and then the pepperoni on top of that so it's like a pizza only the crust is iceberg lettuce and you're crying on the kitchen floor instead of smiling on the couch like a normal person eating a real pizza? Look, the crazy diet worked and you can't argue with results, but yeesh. After one day of eating sad pizza salsa salad I'd probably just say f-ck it and go buy some bigger pants. [TMZ]

Oh, and speaking of ladies with gay men's haircuts, haha, look at this picture of Miley Cyrus now (2012) next to Lance Bass then (1999) and notice how they are basically the same person. Same spiky blonde hair, same curious, cautious smile, same deep and abiding love for the hunky flesh of young Australian men. It's eerie. Oh, and the same creeping sense that Billy Ray Cyrus is somewhere nearby, watching them... Yup, they are basically the same person! [TMZ]

Speaking of Lance Bass, Ryan Seacrest recently went on vacation with his beloved Mormon wondertwin Julianne Hough, and everyone's talking about Julianne's hot beach bod. "Look at that bod! What a figure. The way it curves there and then doesn't there and how it's all, y'know, breasty up top and then lower down there's that... business. It's just... I want to put my hands on it and do the things that all men want to do to ladies. Sex-based things, if you get my drift." —Ryan Seacrest. The guy just loves him the ladies, with their lady bodies and all that stuff you can do stuff with. A real Casanova, that Seacrest. [People]

Speaking of Casanovas, Tom Cruise is in London filming his new movie All You Need Is Kill, and in so doing had all of Trafalgar Sqaure shut down so he could film some make-believe scene in a little helicopter. Yup. All those people inconvenienced, on a Sunday but still, just so Tom Cruise could jump out of a helicopter while he played pretend soldiers. Amazing what the movie business can do, isn't it? You can't smoke a cigarette within fifty feet of another human being anywhere in a city, but Tom Cruise can take over Trafalgar Square because he's in an army-guy costume. [People]

Speaking of cigarettes, Ashton Kutcher was spotted smoking one while he was squiring his lady love Mila Kunis around Rome this weekend. Yup, they were out for a stroll, both looking cool but casual, and he just lit up a lung dart like it wasn't no thing. I mean, it is no thing in Rome. Jeez louise, Rome is worse than Paris with everyone smoking away like there's no tomorrow. So maybe Ashton was just smoking because he was in Rome. You know what they say, when in a place where they do a certain thing, you should try doing that thing because it's the local custom. Ashton's just having the Roman experience. That's all. Also he was photographed leaving a restaurant with Kunis on Friday night and for some reason he was carrying a plate? I've been to Rome a couple times and I don't remember it being a custom that you take a plate from the restaurant where you just ate, but maybe it's different for celebrities? It's probably different for them. "Here, you take-a my plate. My family would be-a so proud if you, Ashty Koochikooch, take-a my plate. Take-a my plate, you must. Per favore Mr. Kunchee, devi take-a my plate." And so he did. [Daily Mail]

Speaking of hunks doing cultural things, Ryan Gosling was spotted at a Broadway show the other day trying to look all incognito. He went to go see his future costar in something no doubt, Jessica Chastain, in The Heiress and tried to hide under a brown hoodie, but he was spotted. Which, duh. Someone with their hood up at a Broadway show is way more conspicuous than someone without their hood up. And it probably didn't help that he was there with Eva Mendes, who probably doesn't go unnoticed when she's by herself in a dark room. Sorry, Gosling. You can't be a vocal minority's Sexiest Man Alive and expect to get through life unseen. That bell's been rung, my friend. Ain't no un-ringing it. [Page Six]

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