Rihanna Apologizes to Chump Reporters for Obviously Awful Plane Tour

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Oh brother. So a bunch of reporters and music writers or whatever were dumb enough to agree to spend a week on a plane with Rihanna for her wacky 777 world tour, seven cities in seven days, and then when the thing turned out to be a useless nightmare, as it was always going to be, they started complaining. They moaned on Twitter, they made "Missing" signs for Rihanna because they hadn't gotten to talk to her enough, and some fool streaked out of anger or something. Rihanna was aware of the complaints, so as the plane flew toward the tour's final destination in New York yesterday, Rihanna told her fellow passengers, "I know you guys got barely any dirt. But I had to be good. I still sound like sh--. It's impossible to spend time with everybody, and I'm sorry I didn't. But this was excellent and I would definitely do it again. I would do this next time with more people, more cities and sit back the the fans more. . . I had to preserve my health. Normally, I'd be back here popping bottles with y'all . . . I had to preserve my voice. I was worried about my body more than partying on the plane, so I had to just sleep whenever I could. I hope you guys had as much fun as I did." Which was all very nice of her to say. I mean, she took these bozos on a trip around the world, sort of, for free. And yes they didn't get to spend every waking minute having one-on-one time with Rihanna, but duhhhh. Come on, guys. All these people calling it "disastrous" and whatnot sound like chumps. What did you expect? That you'd spend the week sitting quietly on the plane with Rihanna's head on your shoulder, talking softly about your plans for the future? It was seven cities in seven days and she had to perform at night. She's not a robot, nor are you. So just chill with all this "disaster" nonsense. It's unbecoming. Plus, anyone, literally anyone, you could have asked would have warned you about this. You could have asked an old crone who lives in a faraway shack and she would have said "Wait, what? Oh no, that's going to be a mess. Absolute mess. Now chew on these bones." It was obvious. If you couldn't stand the heat, you should never have gotten on the heat plane. Or whatever. People complaining about this are kind of dumb. That's all. [Us Weekly]

Vroom-vroom driver Danica Patrick has split up with her husband after seven years of marriage, meaning that NASCAR's most popular driver is now single, fellas. I mean, do fellas want to date the vroom-vroom? I know they like when the vroom-vroom cars go fast, but does that mean they want to date the person driving the vroom-vroom? They might not. It might be like kissing Jeff Gordon. If Jeff Gordon had purty hair and hubba-hubba curves. But maybe that means they would want to date Danica Patrick? She makes the cars go fast, yes, but she's also a lady. Does that actually make her the perfect woman, for some people? "She does vroom-vrooms but also has boom-booms, so basically I'm a happy fella." It's possible. If you would like to date her, just go to one of her races and yell her name really loud. That ought to work. [People]

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Speaking of driving, here's a nice story about Daniel Craig getting his driver's license. Yup. He did not have an American license so he had to get one. Had to take the class and do the driving test and everything. Haha. Apparently he arranged to do the class privately, but doesn't that make the whole picture even sadder/funnier? Daniel Craig at driver's-ed by himself, nodding intently at the instructor, answering questions because he's the only one there to answer them. And then being driven out to Staten Island to take the road test. Showing the instructor his parallel parking and signaling and all that. The whole series of images is wonderful. I really wish someone had filmed it and made a short movie out of it. James Bond Completes Driver's Ed. I think it would be a hit. Anyway, congratulations to you, Mr. Craig. But remember just because you have your license that doesn't mean you're a perfect driver. No loud music, especially if you've got friends in the car, and no driving past midnight for the first six months. This is a privilege, not a right. And don't scratch the car. And absolutely no drag racing with your friends. Well, OK, that's about it. Go have fun now. Hey, hey, easy with the car door, don't slam it. [Page Six]

Cameron Diaz said in a recent interview: "I think every woman does want to be objectified. There's a little part of you at all times that hopes to be somewhat objectified, and I think it's healthy." Which, ugh, OK. People are going to get mad at this and other people are going to say "Right on! She spoke the truth" and the fact of the matter is that both opinions will be sort of annoying. I mean, Cameron Diaz doesn't really seem to get what the term objectifying really means — like, you can be a woman and want to feel attractive and all that without being objectified. Objectification isn't really all that healthy. But also, we all know what she meant. She didn't mean that it's healthy for women to be treated like objects or whatever. She meant, like, it's healthy to have a little personal pride in your appearance and enjoy showing it off. At least I think that's what she meant. If she actually meant that all women want to be featureless sex objects and that that's healthy, well then I think Ms. Diaz may have to stop making such landmark films as What Happens in Vegas and Knight and Day and start focusing on some more important, internal things. But really, I don't think that's what she meant. So let's not freak out. Let's not Rihanna plane this thing. We're all adults here. [Us Weekly]

Kelsey Grammer was on Jay Leno's show last night and the subject of his canceled series Boss came up and said that he thinks that maybe his politics are part of the reason for the show's relative lack of success. When asked why he won a Golden Globe but didn't even get an Emmy nomination, Grammer said "It may have to do with several things, honestly, but I think it’s possible, I mean, I am a, I’m a declared out of the closet Republican in Hollywood. Do I believe it’s possible that some young person, young voting actor, or even older voting member for the Emmys, would sit there and go, ‘Yeah, that’s a great performance, but oooooh, I just hate everything he stands for?'" He then sarcastically said, "I don’t believe that’s possible." So, OK, cool. That's a good thing to fall back on, obviously. Blaming the old politics canard. You know, Bruce Willis is sort of a Republican, and he seems to get work. Same with Clint Eastwood. But you know what Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood don't do, Kelsey Grammer? They don't endorse Michele Bachmann. That's kind of a bridge too far. Not that that has anything to do with Kelsey Grammer not getting an Emmy, but if he's going to bring dumb politics into it, well then let's talk about dumb politics. And, like, doesn't Kelsey Grammer have like a million Emmys from The Frasier? His politics didn't seem to be a problem with that. Maybe nobody watched Boss, because no one knows what Starz is, and thus nobody from the Emmys knew to vote for the show. I just can't imagine there was another reason behind it. I mean, they gave Tom Selleck an Emmy and he voted for a pile of guns to be president. So just cool it, Frasier. And maybe go ask Michele Bachmann why she didn't instruct her constituents to watch the stupid show. [Daily Mail]

Moody singer Fiona Apple has canceled the South American leg of her new album tour because her dog is dying. Fiona Wrote a handwritten letter to fans explaining her decision and put it on her Facebook page, saying that because her 14-year-old pitbull Janet is checking out, that's where she needs to be. "If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out," she said. And, hm. OK. So I kind of know what she means. Like being away for it would probably be terrible. But as someone who has been in the room when a beloved dog is put to sleep, it's kind of the most scarring thing. I hope she knows what she's doing, is what I'm saying. Not that she should go off to South America and forget all about it, but the actual being there is pretty intense and miserable and maybe isn't the best way to do things? I don't know. It basically all sucks, no matter how it happens. Why do we get pets again? [People]

Here is a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio about to kiss an old lady. Specifically, Joanna Lumley from Absolutely Fabulous. Well, Lumley isn't exactly an old lady, but she is at least made to look like one here. This is for a scene in The Wolf of Wall Street, that Martin Scorsese movie which they've been filming forever at this point. So that's fun. Leo and Lumley kissin' on a bench. The way things should be. Hope whatever mute model DiCaprio is currently dating isn't upset. Which, she probably isn't. She hasn't seen the news. She's too busy staring forlornly at bread through a shop window before taking another painful sip of her cayenne juice and heading back to her hotel. That's mostly what Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriends are doing always. [Metro]

Oh no. Patrick Schwarzengger couldn't find his driver at the airport. He looked and looked, but he was nowhere to be found. A photographer followed him, but didn't help any. So Patrick looked and searched and searched, until we came along and gave him a lift and now he's doing just fine. He loves the basement and really enjoyed our dance to "Goodbye Horses" that we did for him. So everything's fine. [Metro]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.