The Horror of Lindsay Lohan's Bad Night

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As this bright and terrible day drones on, more details emerge about the latest Lindsay Lohan arrest. The Liz & Dick star reportedly slugged a fellow clubgoer in the face at Avenue early this morning, and was nabbed by the fuzz while trying to leave. She was finally processed and released around 7 a.m., leaving the precinct with a coat over her head and a throng of photographers screaming at her. Not a pretty scene. Nor was the scene of her arrest, which was caught on video, as Lindsay repeated over and over again, "Are you serious?" while the police, very seriously, led her away. In addition to these our-society-is-cruel-and-doomed videos, TMZ also has a photo of the alleged victim, who is careful to pull her hair back to reveal the mark where Lindsay supposedly walloped her and, hmm, what's that? Is it perhaps the faintest hint of a smile on her face? Yes, I think it is. Must be exciting for some rando from West Palm Beach to suddenly have the mighty and terrifying New York paparazzi force turned toward her. Speaking of people happy for attention, Lindsay's estranged father Michael told reporters that he "knew" his daughter was going to get arrested again, and then used the opportunity to get some shots in at his ex-wife Dina before getting all spiritual about it and saying "it's in God's hands." So he's still a total jerk, which is great. But perhaps the most depressing, yet most interesting, detail of this whole unclean affair is that earlier in the evening Lindsay Lohan was at the Justin Bieber concert at Madison Square Garden with her sister, Ali. There's an Instagram photo proving it, both girls happy and smiling with the wide yawn of the arena opening behind them. What possibility the night held, as they were shown to their seats! What hope there was for a nice time! And I'm sure they had one, for a while. Until the night grew darker — so dark that the innocence of the evening's earlier expectations couldn't pierce through. All that was left was chaos and rot, and Lindsay Lohan's whirling dervish fists, propelling her through the night, taking their furious toll, the sounds of Justin Bieber's plaintive plea to "just forget about the world, we're young tonight" drowned out by the thump of the music. Alas, Lindsay is not that young anymore, and the world, it seems, won't be ignored. [TMZ; Entertainment Tonight; BuzzFeed]

Meanwhile, Justin Bieber was having a slightly busy night of his own. Or rather, he did on Tuesday night. The Canadian chanteur had an Italian dinner with his management team at Asellina at the Gansevoort Park Hotel, during which Justin never stopped texting on his goddamned cellphone. Just text text text, all the time, text text text. How was his pasta? Could his manager try some? No way of telling, because he wouldn't answer, just text text text. All the damn time. Afterward, Justin and his crew were seen at Susan Sarandon's pong-pong club, SPiN, and you know what? Was Justin playing ping-pong with everyone, being social and having a grand old time? No, he was on that f-cking phone, excuse my language, that god forsaken phone, we never should have gotten it for him, texting away. Who was he texting? It's unclear, but it seems likely that it was one Ms. Selena Gomez, who was in town for a UNICEF gala that night, and who was seen with Herr Biebs later that evening at the Dream Downton, hanging out in the lobby restaurant Marble Lane and then up at the rooftop bar. And you know what neither of them was doing, as far as we can tell? Texting on those blasted phones. So it would seem that Justin found who was so furiously messaging. Aww. And then, one hopes, he went to bed to rest up for his concert the next day. And, somewhere else in town, unaware of the terrible future, Lindsay Lohan did, too. [Page Six]

Dumb kid Angus T. Jones will be staying on with Two and a Half Men, the show he recently trashed in a religious testimony video, at least until his contract is up at the end of the year. He doesn't have to go back to work until after the holidays in January, so he's basically got a month of awkward waiting around, worrying about how everyone is going to treat him when he shows up for the table read or whatever. And, well, I'm sure it will be fine, really. He's just some dopey 19-year-old kid acting like a dopey 19-year-old kid. Sure most 19-year-old kids are into, like, cool cars and Call of Duty and Kate Upton, not creepy culty extremist religious sects, but what the hell. Kids will be kids. I'm sure Jon Cryer will give him a tight, curt smile, same as he has every day for the past nearly ten years. Ashton Kutcher will say "Hey man," and then mumble something about the Lakers. Conchata Ferrell will nod at him and say, "Hiya kid." And Holland Taylor will stumble over, rumple his hair, bark out a laugh, either at him or at the situation or at the crazy blue world, and then wander back to her chair. And then Chuck Lorre will write a vanity card all about it and that will be that. Then, of course, the day of reckoning will come and Angus will be sucked up into heaven while the rest of the group is cast into the flames of damnation. Until the season wraps, at least. [People]

Halle Berry is trying to unload the house where her current dude Olivier Martinez recently beat up her baby's daddy, Gabriel Aubry. It's a big, luxurious Hollywood Hills mansion with a guest house, so she's listing it, quietly, at $15 million. Apparently there was already an $11 million offer put on the place, but that wasn't high enough. Berry has only been in the house for a few years, having bought the house from Frankie Muniz in the '00s. Wait. Halle Berry, Oscar-winner (and, yes, Catwoman star), bought a house from Frankie Muniz? Well no wonder she's having a bad time in it. That's bad juju, to buy a house from Frankie Muniz. Frankie Muniz's homes should be burnt to the ground when he leaves them, the earth under the ashes salted so nothing else may grow there. Don't move into Frankie Muniz's house, are you crazy, Halle? Get outta there now. She's trying to move to Paris but the courts say she can't, that's what the fight was about, but for the time being she's going to have to find a non-Muniz'd house in Los Angeles. Obviously there are no traces of Muniz is Paris and hence her desire to go, but in the imperfect world of L.A., she can hopefully at least find something of a safe haven. Who will help Halle Berry escape Frankie Muniz? Someone must step up. [TMZ]

Oh, hey, while all that madness was going on downtown with Lindsay Lohan, up at the Carlyle the oldsters were having a barn burner of their own. Well, OK, this was actually on Monday, but all the nights bleed together, don't they? Anyway, the point is that former WNBC anchorwoman Sue Simmons showed up and gave a waiter an earful after he called her Mrs. Scarborough, Chuck Scarborough being her former co-anchor, who got to stay in his job while a younger woman replaced Simmons. Not good. But to make up for it, Regis Philbin told her that he missed her reading the news, and I'm sure she appreciated that. Also at the Carlyle that evening — everyone was there to see a jazz musician — were Joan Collins, Aviva Drescher, Hoda Kotb, and Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin, who, apparently, brought her own photographer with her. "That was a first at the Carlyle," some regular told Page Six. "Some regular" being some old queen whose big claim to fame is that he used to bring Lainey Stritch her hot water with lemon before every show back when she was playing the Carlyle. Wasn't paid to do it, but she'd usually give him a zinger or two and that was payment enough. But, yeah, all those folks were there one night this week. Which gives you hope, you know? There is an active, exciting social life when you're older, one that doesn't involve nightclubs and dumb kids and the loud thump of club music. Instead it's dignified jazz music and Sue Simmons yelling at some pipsqueak. Doesn't get better than that. [Page Six]

Khloe Kardashian went on the Ellen show recently and confessed that the infamous Kardashian family Christmas card, which typically looks like a low-rent version of Vanity Fair's Young Hollywood cover, is sometimes photoshopped. Yup, she was  digitally added to it this year because she couldn't make the photo shoot. So it's all a lie. The whole thing is a lie. The cake is a lie. Everything is lies. If the Kardashians really aren't gathering together to take some awful, vain, completely un-Christmasy photo together to send to thousands of acquaintances, then what is real? Hmm? Answer me that. If that big truth is false, then do we really know anything? Are we here? Is anything here? And where is here? We could be lost in a black hole and we wouldn't even know it. Swallowed up by space and time and we're just drifting along unaware. Well, until know. Now that the Kardashians' deception has been revealed there is a rip in the fabric. Come, let's peer through. [Daily Mail]

Katy Perry says she feels fat without her Spanx. Or at least she did at that UNICEF gala thing on Monday night, the one Selena Gomez was at. Perry said she wasn't wearing Spanx and that she could feel her body "pushing out, making me look fat." She then went on, joking about her supposed fitness routine. "I like to say I run on the elliptical for 30 minutes watching CNN, but I don't do it often enough. So I'm just like, 'Oh, I guess I'm not fitting into this Lanvin dress for these couple of months.'" Haha, yeah. Just some jokes. She says she does the elliptical while watching CNN but the truth is, she's never seen the news. Not once, ever. Oh and love the designer name-drop, Kates. Simply adorable. Very slimming. [Us Weekly]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.