Today in celebrity news: People has named Magic Mike its Sexiest Man Alive, Chelsea Handler gets caught faking sick, and Brad Pitt's kids are restaurant terrors.
People magazine, like an encyclopedia but for people, has named its Sexiest Man Alive for 2012. They have deemed, through various experiments using hunk extract and denim sweat, that sensitive pile of pink pork meat Channing Tatum is the current world leader in sexiness. Do you agree with their findings? Oftentimes many people do not. But this seems accurate to us. The animate tube steak is a bigtime actor these days, getting all the roles in all the movies, and he just did that stripper movie, so his sexy quotient is riding higher than perhaps is normal. It makes sense that the scientists' sensors would indicate Tatum over, say, Ryan Gosling. The title is, of course, both blessing and curse for Mr. Tatum. He will receive the $1,000,000 cash prive from the Global Sexiness Fund to be spent at his discretion, tax-free. And he will receive a lifetime supply of Old Spice products. But he also has to go on the traditional whistlestop bedding tour, riding around America, and later the Contient, on the rails, making his body available to any who want to avail themselves of it, as his sexiness is now a public commodity. He will also eventually be ushered into the same dimly lit, sparsely adorned room where Mark Harmon has been sitting for some time now, looking at his 1986 Sexiest Man Alive cover and huffing sadly to himself. So, it's two sides of a coin. Light and dark, good and bad. We wish Mr. Tatum luck and, as they said in the old times, may the odds be ever in his favor. [People]
Stars, they're just like us. Meaning they make bullsh-t excuses when they don't want to go to work early in the morning and then sometimes get caught in said bullsh-t later on. One such star is Chelsea Handler, who was supposed to do the Hoda & Kathie Lee dada variety hour that wraps up the Today show on Monday but, oh dear, she was suddenly stricken with food poisoning. How terrible! But, hm, it must have been one of those not even four-hour bugs, because Handler was later at an afternoon taping of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and then went to the Glamour Women of the Year Awards and to the after party at Graydon Carter's Monkey Bar, where she was seen cozying up to playboy hotelier Andre Balazs. Wow, what a remarkable recovery! From crippling food poisoning to an afternoon into an evening of partying. Truly amazing. Sheesh. Come on, Chelsea Handler. Kathie and Hoda start their wine party at ten. That's completely manageable. Obviously that means you have to wake up at 8 for hair and makeup and to warm up the Joke Machine 2003 Edition that you carry with you and have it spit out some material, but still. You're a 50-year-old woman, and you're going to call in sick only to get caught going to a party later in the day? Unbecoming, honestly. Kathie and Hoda talked about it on the show yesterday and deemed the whole thing suspect, while Chelsea joked with Jimmy Fallon, saying "I wasn’t drunk or anything. I literally walked into a shower door this morning . . . I couldn’t go with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kota-ba, or whatever her name is." Cool. Even more professional. And that Joke Machine is really doing its job. Also, did the shower door give her food poisoning? I've heard of that happening one time to [insert stupid joke about Lindsay Lohan, hold for applause from gay minstrel and rancid straight guy on panel, point to dwarf and tell everyone to laugh]. [Page Six]