Nicholas Sparks Cannot Be Stopped

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Today in show business news: America's favorite cheese monger moves to TV, Charlie Sheen is going to be an even richer man, and SNL announces some upcoming guests. 

Another spectacular disaster will soon befall America, a perfect storm trifecta just like so many other catastrophes. You see, it seems that aggressive schmaltz peddler Nicholas Sparks has three, count 'em three, television series currently in development. The terrible lineup: A Bend in the Road, a TNT pilot adapted from a Sparks novel described as a "romantic drama" about "a sheriff who must deal with problems in a coastal Georgia town that sees its population soar during the summer tourist season. The novel centered on the relationship between the recently widowed lawman and his son's second grade teacher." So, some crinkly eyed thirtysomething TV actor will play the soulful sheriff and some dewy dope with moxie will play the teacher. Great. Next is ABC Family's The Falls, which is a modern-day adaptation of Romeo & Juliet. So that ought to be mostly a terrible nightmare. And finally there's Deliverance Creek, a Lifetime project about "a post-Civil War drama that explores the lengths one woman goes to protect her family, as she is caught between trying to be good and surviving." It's being written by a Jane By Design writer. So...  Everything's awful. The waters may recede and the power may flicker back on, but all the television will show us will be Nicholas Sparks programs with truly terrible titles like Deliverance Creek. Good luck to you and yours. [The Hollywood Reporter]

More terrible TV news: Fox TV stations will start airing syndicated episodes of Charlie Sheen's FX sitcom Anger Management starting in 2014. So basically what's being said here is that some people have seen fit to give Charlie Sheen a lot more money. He already has lots and lots of money, but these people think he should have some more. Because he always does great things with his money. Great and useful things. So here's some more, Charlie. And, hey, here's even more. Let's just keep giving Charlie Sheen money until he bursts. [Deadline]

Saturday Night Live has announced a new slate of hosts and musical guests, including an Anne Hathaway/Rihanna night that ought to be insufferable (one half of it, anyway) and a Jeremy Renner/Maroon 5 evening the week after that promises to be uncomfortable because it's always a little awkward when intense actors like Jeremy Renner try to yuk it up in sketches. Maybe he will prove surprisingly adept at it, but something tells me he won't be. Also, Maroon 5. Ick. Why couldn't they have put Maroon 5 on Anne Hathaway's night so we'd know full well to avoid anything even remotely close to NBC on that night? Now we have to warily watch one week for Rihanna and sort of tune in for Jeremy Renner the next, all while desperately trying to avoid Anne Hathaway and Adam Levine's soul-sucking scenery chewing. Oh well. [Entertainment Weekly]

Speaking of soul-sucking, the Style network has announced that it has renewed stylist reality show Jerseylicious for a fifth season. Surprising considering New Jersey doesn't exist anymore. That's what the news said, right? It's all been claimed by Poseidon. So I guess the fifth season will just be half-hour installments of a still camera trained on the cruel green sea. Terrence Malick presents: Jerseylicious. [Deadline]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.