Justin and Jessica's Nearing Neapolitan Nuptials

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Today in celebrity news: J&J will be tying the knot in Italy any moment now, someone's scolding Lena Dunham for something once again, and Uma Thurman gave her daughter a crazy name.

Oh mio dio! Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are currently in Italy preparing to get married. Why, just last night they had a big pre-wedding beach party dinner at a resort place along the Adriatic for all or most of the intended guests, including Andy Samberg, who was photographed chatting with guests looking like just a regular dude. Supposedly this resort, near Cala Masciola beach, is where the two are going to be wed any day now, though, you might be saying, the Adriatic? Cala Masciola? That's in Puglia, not Naples. I know, I know, but see, Page Six is saying that the wedding is happening in a small town "just outside Naples, Italy." So, who are we to believe? Us Weekly or Page Six? The present or the, let's be honest, just-slightly-past? Ultimately it doesn't really matter, the point is the couple is going to be wed in southern Italy literally any minute now and then, what, what will happen? Not much I guess. Two beautiful people will begin a beautiful life together. Maybe Jessica will convince Justin to rid himself of these foolish movie star dreams and go back to music. And Justin will convince Jessica to rid herself of these foolish movie star dreams and, I don't know, go back to Tufts? Go back to TV? It's hard to say with her. The point is, hopefully they will be good for each other. And because they are getting married in Italy, it means they can never divorce. Sure, sure, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married in Italy and they divorced, but this sacred rule only counts when both parties are Earth humans, so. Anyway, congrats to the happy couple, who could be married right now for all we know. If I remembered more of the six years of Italian I studied in school, I'd say something nice for ya, but I don't, that's why I'm writing gossip things instead of, I dunno, sippin' a cappuccino at my exotic job in Rome, I guess. Oh well. Buona fortuna. There's one. [Us Weekly; Page Six]

Uh oh, Girls creator and star Lena Dunham has gotten herself into a lick of trouble with those pesky Canadians. It seems she recently tweeted a joke about wanting her Halloween costume to be, with two other people, Canadian killer Paul Bernardo, his murderous bride Karla Homolka, and one of their victims, Karla's sister. Well, that joke didn't sit too kindly with Dunham's fans to the north, so now she's taken to Twitter to apologize for her insensitive joke amid the uproar. The thing is, this wasn't like an independent Tweet sent out to everyone. She was responding to two friends (The Office's Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak), so it wasn't exactly private, of course, but it wasn't like she was trying to make some for-everyone joke. It's different all the way up there where everyone can see you, I guess. Probably a joke best reserved for IRL time. Still, let's please stop obsessively finding ways to criticize this girl. It's starting to get weird. I know she's successful and does a lot — writing, directing, acting — and she seems to roll with a cool crowd and that's mind boggling because she's Just A Girl, so we should find out what's wrong with her, but c'mon, it's getting creepy. I have as many mixed emotions about her fabulous success as any other person who would like their own fabulous success, but let's all ease up, huh? We're beginning to seem completely intolerant of a young woman existing as herself in the public forum, scolding her every time she makes a joke we don't like, etc. Not good, guys. Not good. [Vancouver Sun]

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Uma Thurman gave birth to a baby back in July, but has been pretty secretive about the child's name, until now. And, hm, maybe she should have kept it a secret! Because this is the baby's name: Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. Yuppp. I mean, duh, obviously this kid will be Rosalind Thurman-Busson, which is a very august but normal enough sounding name, so all these middle names aren't the biggest deal, because who uses their middle name all the time (other than actors who have to for, like, SAG rules)? Nobody, really. But still. Let's see: Arusha is a region in Tanzania. Arkadina is a character in The Seagull. Altalune sounds like "high moon." And Florence is, well, duh. So it's a whole Italian/Tanzanian/Chekhovian Russian thing. OK, sure. Whatever. Again, this kid is going to be Rosie Thurman-Busson most of the time, so this doesn't really matter. Wonder what her confirmation name will be, though. [People]

Is Rupert Sanders, the film director who got caught with his young Snow White star Kristen Stewart and thus set off the summer's hottest gossip story, reconciling with his jilted wife, model and actress Liberty Ross? Could be! They were seen giving each other a hug on the street the other day, so OOoOOoooOOoo. Though, uh, well, they were leaving couples' counseling, which they arrived at and left separately, and they were not wearing wedding rings. And that hug does not actually look all that affectionate. So, who's to say. Good that they're trying though. And wouldn't that be a nice, return-to-center ending to this story? Rob and Kristen tentatively back together, Rupert and Liberty reunited, Taylor Lautner finally telling the truth about his beloved "roommate," Zane. Everything would be as it should be. Stewpatz seen being all grungy and whatever at some coffee cafe in Los Feliz. Rupert and Liberty playing with their kids in some park. Taylor and Zane having a commitment ceremony on a windy clifftop outside Santa Barbara. It's just how things are supposed to be. So, make it happen, fates! Listen to our cries, gods! Make things as they ought to be and we will be yours forever. [TMZ]

Derek Jeter needs a house. Yeah he and his boyfriend A-Rod want to move in to together. Ahahaha, Jeter sucks. SOX FOREVA. [Page Six]

Former Real Housewives of New Jersey player Danielle Staub, who got booted from the show after the second season two years ago, was found wandering the streets of New York City with her daughter recently and told camera guys that she and Andy Cohen had just had a long meeting about her maybe going back to the show. Which, hahaha, 1) No you didn't. And 2) Even if you did, that meeting would now be moot, since you've talked to the TMZ cameras all about it. Ya burnt, Danielle. Ya burnt forever. Ugh. What a bug that one is. What. A. Bug. I mean, they're all bugs, they're all grubs you find under an old piece of wood out by the shed, but she just might be the queen bug, the head of the grubs. The sad thing is, in that video there's the daughter, the model one, looking all forlorn and you feel bad for her but then she's asked about modeling and she's like "Oh yeah, I'm modeling, all over, I'm modeling," and you realize that some of Danielle's poison may have seeped into her daughter's brain. Sigh. The funny thing, though, is that Danielle is carrying Andy Cohen's book. Maybe they did have a meeting! Maybe the meeting was just him signing the book and Danielle saying "Thanks" and that was it. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. [TMZ]

This is, I think, for several reasons, the most interesting and insightful article Us Weekly has published in a long time. A lot of good points made in a direct and insightful way. But, you judge for yourself. [Us Weekly]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.