All Canadian Celebrities Are Related

Justin Bieber is a blood relative of basically every famous Canadian, Stevie Nicks feels terrible about this whole Nicki Minaj mess, and Lance Bass says the wrong things about Jessica Biel. 

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Justin Bieber is a blood relative of basically every famous Canadian, Stevie Nicks feels terrible about this whole Nicki Minaj mess, and Lance Bass says the wrong things about Jessica Biel. 

The genealogy website has done another shameless (but successful) PR ploy by doing some research into Canadian teen halfling-god Justin Bieber to see what other famous people he might be related to. And wouldn't you know it, he shares his beboppin' blood with an array of Canadian entertainment royalty. Justin Bieber is 11th cousins once removed with Ryan Gosling, 10th cousins three times removed with Celine Dion, and the 12th cousin of Avril Lavigne. So how about that! That means he's probably, like, half-siblings with a lot of the Degrassi cast. And Anne of Green Gables is probably his aunt. Well, look. This is fun and all, but the fact of the matter is that if you go back far enough, everyone is related to everyone. Absolutely everyone, all the way back to Adam and Steve. It's just how humanity works or something. Those of you with Canadian heritage? You're probably related to Justin Bieber. You are probably Justin Bieber's grampa. Just think about it. It might be possible. And the only way to find out? To go and give money to Amazing how that works, isn't it? Anyway, long live Canada and its single, weird family. [People]

The sad story of Nicks vs. Nicki continues. A few days ago Fleetwood Mac singer and accused moon witch Stevie Nicks said that she would "strangle" Nicki Minaj "to death" if she were Mariah Carey and Minaj had said those things to her. Stevie Nicks is very defensive of her friend Mariah Carey, I guess is the point. Well the press of course got wind of this and whipped it up into a real dust devil or waterspout or some kinda something and now it's being made to seem like Stevie Nicks actually wants to wrap those cold bony hands of hers around Nicki Minaj's neck and squeeze until she sees starships. Which of course she doesn't want to do. Stevie Nicks is not a violent witch, she's a healing witch, a nighttime cackling witch, a wispy wasp wing witch. So she feels really bad about what she said and says that the recent death of her mother is weighing heavy on her psyche and that her mother would have helped restrain her. Nicks told Page Six: "I have been touring since June . . . I lost my mom a couple of months back, and usually I would have called her to ask, ‘What should I do?' My mother would have said, ‘You rushed in to save your friend Mariah. That is not wrong. What was wrong was the words you used. You are a writer. You would never say those words, and that should be a lesson for you for the rest of your life.’ I could have taken my mom’s view on it, but instead I took out the insane soldier. From the bottom of my heart I would say I am very sorry." So, OK, that's pretty sincere and honest and heartfelt. Good for Stevie. But, um, in the future? When apologizing for saying you want to strangle-murder someone? Maybe don't, during the apology, make allusions to some kind of "insane soldier" that lives in you that you can just take out when you need to. Not when you're Stevie Nicks. Not when townsfolk the world over have reported to have seen you gliding over their barns on cool nights or fiddling around in their apple orchards, humming a weird old song and buzzing like a locust. Maybe just leave it at "I'm sorry, I over-spoke, I've been a bit emotionally frayed recently." That's probably sufficient. Leave the magick stuff at home. [Page Six]

Ew. Someone was talking to Lance Bass for some reason and he got to talking about his former 'NSYNC bandmate Justin Timberlake and his relationship with Jessica Biel. He had lots of kind things to say about Biel and why she's perfect for Justin, but this is what it boiled down to: "Well, to me, I just love that she's a guy's gal. She can get right in there and talk basketball, football and drink a beer with you, and that's what he needs. He needs someone who can hang with the guys." Ughhhhhhhh. Is that not the worst thing, when people say that about girls? "Yeah she's a cool chick because she likes everything I like. That's what makes her better than most girls who are all like shopping for cake all the time or whatever. I like a girl who does what I do. I, of course, will forever complain about what she does, though, calling it stupid and girly, and will never want to participate." Hate that. Hate that so very much. How about saying that Jessica Biel is good for Justin because they like to do things with each other and they have fun. I mean, are there really that many straight girls out there who, when faced with the prospect of watching a little football or whatever and drinking some beer with their boyfriend, are going to shriek and run upstairs and lock themselves in the bathroom with a stack of Glamour magazines? Like, why not say, Lance, that Jessica is cool for Justin because they have a nice time together, instead of saying that Jessica is cool because she's basically a dude friend who looks like a purty girl that "has not aged a bit." (A thing he also said.) It's a gross thing to say and people say it all the time and that is why you see awful girls who clearly don't want to be there whooping it up at sports bars wearing pink Red Sox hats because boys like guy's girls, right??? (Some women, many women, earnestly like sports. But there are fakes out there, and they are doing a disservice to themselves and to others.) And yet we never see packs of dudes climbing all over each other to go to brunch and drink mimosas. I mean, we do, but that's just Lance Bass and his awful friends. So. [Us Weekly]

Everyone at the Today show has apparently "rallied" around Matt Lauer after some reports came out last month that people were blaming him for the show's ratings slippage and that Lauer was acting like a real diva on set. It's not Matt's fault, Matt's been great, we're all a family, etc. It's all the nonsense anyone would say in the hopes that it will spare them the terrible, notorious wrath of Matt Lauer. Where in the world is Matt Lauer? In your face, searing your soul with his red, red demon eyes. That's where Matt Lauer is if you're not careful. I mean, look, I'm sure everything is mostly fine over there and that no one is really fully blaming Lauer for the show struggling, but wouldn't you be eager to say "Oh of course! He's great! I love him!" no matter what about the guy who makes $15 million a year and is thus probably a bit more important to the operation than your lowly commoner self? That's the way money and power work. So whatever is actually happening at Today, I think it's fair to be skeptical about this. And that's that. (OK, Ann. Ann I said it. I typed it. It's done. Now, please... Ann please put the gun down. I said what you told me to say. I planted the seed of doubt. Ann, Ann. Ann! Please! Please! Arghhhh!) [Radar]

Demi Moore is not happy about Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher's new love affair. Nor is anyone, Demi. Nor is anyone. For once, one small moment on this big beautiful blue marble, the world agrees with Demi Moore. Bask in it. [Us Weekly]

Jon Hamm played chess with some cute kids in Brooklyn and was handily beat by them. There's a picture just in case your hormones weren't already operating at elevated levels. [Page Six]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.