ABC has announced a new himbo for everyone to ogle and eventually hate, so get excited. Elsewhere in show business news today: NBC and USA renew some shows that a few of you will be excited about, Tina Fey inks a new deal, and don't get your hopes up for a Hobbit Xbox game.
Oooohhh. Get your rose-receiving hands ready, ladies! (A lady always, always receives a rose in her right hand, lest she be deemed a witch or, worse, a Vassar grad.) ABC has confirmed that former Bachelorette contestant
Sad Hobo Pete Sean Lowe will be the next hunk-idol to be worshiped slavishly by scores of addled women on The Bachelor. Lowe, 28, placed third on Emily Maynard's season of The Bachelorette, meaning he's broken, but not too broken. Lowe is basically your real-life Aidan from Sex and the City, as he's described as "owning and running an upscale, custom furniture business." OohoOOhhOohHh!!! He's also 6'3" and went to Kansas State on a football scholarship. So he knows how to handle balls, ladies! Wait. Wait, no. Sorry. Scratch that last one. Anyway, he's super-duper active and has two dogs and is basically the sexiest, dreamiest, and cuddliest. So why the hell is he single and going on a Meet-a-Wife show?? Ha, well, because no one actually goes on this nightmare piss-pot of a show to meet anyone, duh. Everyone who goes on this show is a psychopath. Here's your new psychopath, America. Couldn't you just eat him with a spoon? Before he literally does eat you with a fork in a desolate mountain cabin somewhere?? [Entertainment Weekly]
Elsewhere in TV nightmare news, NBC has renewed its popular but hellish singing competition show The Voice for another two "cycles," meaning we're guaranteed a spring version, which will not have Xtina or Cee-Lo, and a fall 2013 version, which by that point will feature a judges panel of Peabo Bryson, either Edele or Keavy from B*witched — it doesn't really matter which one, and Howie from the Backstreet Boys' "friend" Clint. Are you all so excited for it? The spinning chairs, the crazy lights, the singing/boxing ring thing that makes no sense, the way the singers from the show will never go on to do anything? It's all very exciting. Even more exciting is that the USA Network has announced that it has renewed Royal Pains, White Collar, and Covert Affairs for sixth, fifth, and fourth seasons, respectively. Pretty remarkable, huh? Pretty great to see these shows going on as long as they have. Everyone loves those shows, from security guards reading Want Ad Digest with the TV on mute, to drug-addled hospital patients traveling through a psychotropic astral plane of wonder, guilt, and coming to terms with things while the television plays loudly but unwatched on the wall past their bed. Those two quadrants are USA shows' biggest demos, but other people watch too, like mothers and their grown kids sitting glumly in the stuffy living room the night after a father's funeral, and people alone high up in a Florida condo at the beginning of a hurricane who have seen everything else On Demand. USA's shows are very popular shows, is what I'm saying. And now there will be more of them. As for the other interchangeably named USA programs (seriously what is with these names), like Common Law, Fairly Legal, Necessary Roughness, and Political Animals (can anyone see one remote bit of difference in any of those titles?), well we'll all have to wait on pins and needles to learn their fates, which have not yet been determined. [Entertainment Weekly; The Hollywood Reporter]
Finally, a good TV continuation. Tina Fey will stay with Universal Television (basically NBC) for four more years in a new deal she's just made. You know, 30 Rock is ending this season, which could have marked the end of her television career, but it looks like, nope, she'll continue on. It's unclear if it will be on-camera or off, but even if she's not acting on TV shows, she's got movies in the works, so she'll still be around. Don't worry, guys. Tina Fey isn't going anywhere. Then again, neither is Royal Pains, so it all kind of evens out, I guess. [Deadline]
Bernadette Peters has gone off somewhere, but she's coming back. The curly-haired Broadway legend will be reprising her role as Ivy's faded star mother on the upcoming season of Smash. We'll have to wait until halfway through the damn season to see her, but oh well. At least we'll know she's coming. We'll probably hear her before we see her. [Vulture]
Warner Bros. Interactive, which makes all the Lord of the Rings video games (just as Tolkien would have wanted it), has announced that it will not be making games based on The Hobbit for normal video game consoles like the Sega Saturn or the Nintendo GameCube. No, instead it's just going to make free online games and mobile games and all that sh-t that the b.o.-stinking teens in your neighborhood like these days. Don't get me wrong, those fart factories also like regular video games, but they're also into mobile app games and things on the internet that only their porn-soaked brains can understand, so WBi has decided to just go with that instead. Who knows why. Who cares why. The point is that we're talking about cellphone games related to The Hobbit, which seems strange, doesn't it? Do we all have a Precious now, is that what's happened? [The Hollywood Reporter]
Steven Spielberg wants Anne Hathaway to be in his fitfully badly titled new movie Robopocalypse as the lady lead opposite Chris Hemsworth. Which, A) Not fair, why her, she's just some theater nerd who made it big somehow, why can't we fight robots with Chris Hemsworth, we're theater nerds too. And B) Obviously this movie will not be made if Mitt Romney doesn't win in November, because otherwise the idea of robots seizing power and destroying humanity would just be weird speculative alternate history instead of reality. (Haha, Romney is a robot, good joke.) [Deadline]
Here is a trailer for Parker Posey in the Sundance comedy Price Check, about rising the corporate ladder at a supermarket chain and cheating on your wife and stuff. It's a good cast, featuring Posey, Eric Mabius, the great Annie Parisse, and Amy Schumer, among others. We like watching Posey's slow return to prominence, and this big juicy lead role looks like another step towards that. Come on, Posey, you can do it! We've almost entirely forgotten the phrase "Jezebel James"!
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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