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The soon-to-be Mr. Biel spent a not-so-wild weekend with friends in Mexico. Also today in celebrity news: An important Ashton/Mila mystery is solved, Justin Bieber sets the record straight about his car, and Ryan Lochte and The Situation finally convene. 

As most of the world knows, even those isolated tribes still wandering the darkest Amazon, former excellent singer turned mostly unpleasant actor Justin Timberlake will soon be marrying his lady Jessica Biel in what is sure to be the sexiest wedding of the century. Yes, sexier even than the Royal Wedding, that bachanal of free-flowing lustiness and unhindered sexual mania. But before J. & J. can tie the knot, of course, there must be a bachelor party (and presumably a bachelorette party), which Timberlake embarked on with friends late last week. He and his crew went to Tryst, the night club at the Wynn Las Vegas, and had some fun with the guys, and then they all flew to Cabo San Lucas, where they mixed it up with senoritas, enjoyed the finest Bolivian marching powder Mexico has to offer, and of course killed someone by accident in a drug-fueled, erotic frenzy. Well, hm, actually, OK, what they actually did was play volleyball on some grass together. Yeah this morning Us Weekly has a picture of Justin Timberlake playing volleyball with his weird friends. Look at his friends. They're weird, right? They're not the friends you'd think Justin Timberlake would have, especially at his bachelor party. And, ha, Justin doesn't want to take off his shirt. He's insecure! He probably swims in the pool with it on and everyone feels bad for him. But yeah, it was simply Justin Timberlake and his weird friends playing volleyball. That's it. Nothin' else. No wild times. No high-speed drag racing. No models bouncing on anything. No Chris Kirkpatrick standing on a hotel balcony, screaming into the night, blood pouring from his mouth and no one's really sure if it's his blood or not. None of that! Just some weird dudes, and Justin Timberlake in a big T-shirt, playin' volleyball. So you've got nothing to worry about, Jessica. Though, Justin, you should watch out. We heard Jessica has booked her bachelorette at a hotel in that Slovakian murder town from Hostel, so. Don't let her go too buck-wild. It wouldn't be fair. [Us Weekly]

Remember how yesterday (last item) we were curious about the football T-shirts that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were seen wearing in New York? Like, the ones that said "NYC" on them but the "C" was a Chicago Bears logo? We weren't sure if, like, they'd bought the T-shirts while they were out or if they'd had them made. It was an important question that would tell us a lot about the couple, even more than the fact that they were wearing them at all, which already tell us a lot. And now, like a knowledge gift from Clio sweet muse of history herself, we have an answer. They bought them at the bar, guys. Yeah, they were at this place called Overlook Bar on East 44th and the bar was selling them. That's what happened. They bought them at the bar. And then wore them out on the street afterward, like a kid in a Universal Studios T-shirt at Universal Studios. Doesn't that say a lot? Doesn't that tell a little tale? "Oh those are fun," one said to the other. "Let's buy them." And then they did and put them on over their other shirts, Ashton even tucked his in, and then when the football game was over they didn't even think about it, walking out onto the streets of the city still in their bar T-shirts. Then they probably went home and ordered pizza and watched the Emmys. Still in their T-shirts, the noise of the bar, cheering and glass clinking and all that, still ringing in their ears. [Page Six]

Well this is embarrassing. In a recent TMZ video, rapper/singer Sean Kingston (he sang that "Beautiful Girls" song and that was basically it) told paparazzi that the fancy Fisker automobile he was driving was a gift from his pal and collaborator Justin Bieber. Yeah, we know the car to be Justin's, but Kingston said that one of the perks of being friends with the world's top recording artist is that he drops his fancy car off at your house and says have at it. Who knows whether Kingston was playing a joke on his friend or caught in a silly lie, but either way the Bieber camp has responded with a resounding "Nunh unh!!" Yeah, they're all, "I said he could borrow it, not that he could have it. It's Justin's car! He's a liar." So if it was a joke, the Bieber camp doesn't seem to have gotten it. Man, the Bieber camp has been moody lately. Never saying hi went it gets home, just slamming its bedroom door and turning on loud music, only shuffling and slumping out when it's time for dinner and then eating in icy silence and answering questions in one word grunts. Just a really terrible time. One we all go through, but it doesn't make it any better. "That's Justin's car, not Sean's! Make him stop saying that!!" Bieber's camp cries, stamping its foot, voice cracking a bit, red-faced and furious, even crying a little from frustration at a world that doesn't quite bend to its touch. Not yet, anyway. Not quite yet. In a few years, maybe. Or maybe it's just that in a few years, it won't care so much. In the meantime, Sean, thank Justin for the loaner and return that car, for heaven's sake. [TMZ]

Ryan Lochte and former celebrity The Situation were seen par-tayyy-ing at a clurrb in Las Vegas over the weekend. And they were par-tayyy-ing real hard. The Situation doesn't drink anymore, so you know sh-t's gonna get crazy. And you've got Ryan Lochte, who knows how to get down in some pink underpants. So yeah, they went nuts. Onlookers said they heard the two dudes talking about whether the movie adaptation of Cloud Atlas could possibly live up to the book, about the new David Byrne/St. Vincent album, and about which place in New York has the best banh mis. Y'know, stuff those two dudes would talk about. [Page Six]

Sarah Michelle Gellar and her husband Freddie Prinze Jr. welcomed a second child into the world last week, they're now telling the press. Gellar gave birth to a baby boy, name unknown, but we can hope, and assume, that it's not Riley. Meanwhile on Sunday, Gellar's former Buffy the Vampire Slayer costar Danny Strong gave birth to an Emmy. Which would be more painful?? [People]

Country crooner and American Idol winner Carrie Underwood granted a young boy's wish at a recent concert by kissing him on the lips, giving the 12-year-old his first-ever kiss. Which is kind of cute, right? I mean, sort of? There's video. And the video is, admittedly, a little weird. It's an adult woman kissing a 12-year-old not on the cheek. And everyone's all cheering for it. I mean, it's a literal peck, a peck like your momma would give you, but still, the boy wanted to, like, kiss her. So it's just all a little strange. But whatever. Who really cares. No one was harmed. I'm just saying that if it was a 12-year-old girl who wanted her first kiss from, like, Blake Shelton, this whole thing woulda gone a lot differently. [Gawker]

Ann Curry was supposed to do a cameo in that Modern Family sketch on the Emmys on Sunday night, but NBC's big wigs said noooope. Remember how in the sketch they were trying to recast Lily on Modern Family because the actress was really cruel, that was the joke? (You really don't have to remember this, it is literally the least important thing in the world.) Well instead of Ken Jeong, it was going to be Ann Curry who was the chosen replacement. But for some reason head of NBC Bob Greenblatt, the network's biggest and most glorious wig, didn't approve. Probably because it would remind people of how the network bumped Ann Curry off the Today show and then the show tanked even more than it was already tanking and nobody even knows what a "Savannah Guthrie" even is, and that's not a good thing to remind people of, I guess. As if they really need any reminding, though. It's staring them in the face every morning! But yeah, Curry wasn't able to do it, so oh well. It didn't matter, she wasn't going to watch it anyway. She was spending the night down at the Overlook Bar selling football T-shirts to people, doing whiskey shots with the rowdier customers, hootin' and hollerin' and bumming cigarettes off Ricky the dishwasher. It was a good night. [Page Six]

Lindsay Lohan was arrested recently for hitting a man with her car in New York City because she is dumb enough to drive a car in freaking New York City, and apparently the whole thing has stressed her out so much that it has inflamed her walking pneumonia, which she supposedly has, so she was rushed to the emergency room on Sunday night, but then quickly released. Which, whatever. Lindsay Lohan was probably lying about her lung infection or whatever. She lies sometimes. That's what she does. That's what everyone does. Ugh. I can't wait for Lindsay Lohan to move to Newfoundland and become a fisherwoman. It's going to be so good for her. All that brisk, hearty, clean sea air, that rugged terrain, that funny Newfie accent. She's going to love it. And we won't have to hear about her running over people or not running over people or having lung infections or not having lung infections, ever again. It's just going to be peace and quiet and Justin Timberlake playing Big Shirt volleyball with his weird friends. That's all. Just that. Then nothing. Then crickets. Than a tree frog or two. The creak of a tree branch in a nighttime breeze. But that's it, while Lindsay rides the dark waves up north, looking at the cold beam of Polaris, the pole star, the ancient gaseous thing guiding her miraculously toward home. [TMZ]

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