Everyone's So Freakin' Happy for Blake Lively

This article is from the archive of our partner .

In the wake of the shocking news that Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds were secretly married over the weekend, the nation's best and most intrepid reporters have been seeking out old loves of the couple to get their shattered reaction. So far they've gotten Lively's former longtime boyfriend and Gossip Giggles costar Penn Badgley, who says, unconvincingly, that he is happy for Lively. He told reporters in Toronto, "I'm happy for her. Genuinely happy." Oooh, Penn. Shouldn't have added that "Genuinely happy." That makes it seem a bit too belabored, you doth protest too much, y'know? "I'm happy for her. Genuinely happy. So f-cking happy. So happy I could spit in someone's eye. So genuinely happy that I think I might just go home and put on 'Losing My Religion' an sit in a ball on the floor and soul scream for a while. So perfectly, truly happy for her that I might take a long walk off a short pier, go swim out to China or somewhere, disappear like Robinson Crusoe, live a new life, a new pure perfect life where hearts don't get broken, because everything is good and I am blissfully alone, on my little island of wonders. That's how happy I am for Blake and her wedding." Poor Penn! Poor damaged soul. [Us Weekly]

Meanwhile, Ryan Lochte isn't sweatin' it. Yeah for some reason he was asked how he feels about Blake Lively getting married, I guess because he said a little while ago that he has a crush on her, and he's takin' it pretty well. "I just heard about [the wedding]. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend until someone told me after I said I had a crush on her. That's great for them. I just want to congratulate them and wish them the best." Aw, good kid, good kid. And hey, thinks are lookin' up already. Not only did he get to meet and hang out with Paris Hilton recently, who he says is very pretty, but he was also seen chatting up 81-year-old model Carmen Dell’Orefice at a Fashion Week event. Yes the octogenarian was giving Lochte tips on modeling and fashion. Lochte in turn asked her questions like "Did they have electricity when you were a little girl?" and "What was the war like?" The two got along famously and probably Dell'Orefice (quite a name...) will manage to seduce him back to her apartment, where Lochte will stand and say, "Hey, this smell's like my gramma's house." [People, Page Six]

Recommended Reading

Prince William and his chestnut bride Kate Middleton have arrived in Singapore, where they will tour on behalf of the Queen and her Diamond Jubilee. They spent an afternoon going to the Botanic Gardens, where famous orchids are kept, one kind of orchid named after William's late mother, Princess Diana. The couple now has an orchid named after them too, the Vanda William Catherine, which has "white petals with purple-red spots and a purple lip." Yes, white like their skin, the purple lips relate to their blue blood, and of course the purple-red spots are their nipples. Yeah, it's a little weird, but that's what it is. After doing some glad-handing at the flower hut, a tired Wills and Kate returned to their hotel, the Raffles, to get some rest. Kate murmured to William about the pretty flowers they'd seen as she drifted off to sleep, while a worried William stared at the ceiling, the world "nipples" playing luridly over and over and over again in his head. [People]

Here's an item about Tavi Gevinson, that little girl who has that website, telling a fan at some sort of talk in New York that it is OK to like Taylor Swift and that you don't have to feel guilty about it. She said, "If you want to like Taylor Swift, I think you should and not feel bad. Because, ultimately, there are so many other things to feel bad about." Which Page Six praises as wise, but really isn't that wise. I mean, come on, I know she's a tiny child just struggling to comprehend the big wide world and so deserves some slack, but let's not call things wise that aren't that wise. You wanna like Taylor Swift? You go on with your bad self, child. See? I just said it too. It ain't that hard. A wise response to the question would have been something about how Taylor Swift's relationship with Conor Kennedy represents the downfall of polite American society and what that might mean for our precarious future. [Page Six]

That hideous show Bachelor Pad ended last night and the winner was some jerk who chose to keep the money for himself instead of sharing it with his partner. The partner was furious and called him "disgusting," which of course he is, he's on Bachelor Pad, but come on lady, you are on Bachelor Pad too and should have expected everyone else around you to be disgusting. Bachelor Pad is probably not the place for civility and teamwork and all that. If you want all that, you probably shouldn't go on Bachelor Pad in the first place, instead of expecting those qualities to suddenly show up at the very end and then being outraged when they don't. Again, this guy is a total jerk and is disgusting times a million, but that should have been the assumption since day one. Ah well. [Us Weekly]

Suri Cruise had her first day at her fancy new school yesterday. She is now a student at Avenues, a creepy for-profit school that just opened in Chelsea that looks like it's owned by the Weyland-Yutani corporation. But I guess it's better than Scientology's SeaOrg school at sea, right? Anyway, we wish Suri luck and encourage the parents of her fellow students to not tell their kids anything about Suri's parents because that would be unfair. [People]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.