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Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds stealthily tied the knot this weekend, Kristen Stewart has a new pal, and Wills and Kate are off on romantic holiday together. 

This weekend, while you lay prone on your couch too lazy to change the channel from NCIS or sat creepily on a park bench watching the happy couples go by and wondering what's the matter with you, down in South Carolina actors Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds, she 25, he 35, she a blonde doll from Gossip Girl, he a blond piece of Canadian celery, were married. Yes! Wed. To each other. For real. The couple, who have been dating for a year, ever since they worked on the huge box office hit, I mean spectacular bomb, The Green Lantern together, organized the whole thing very secretly, and people were only tipped off at the last minute when Lively's family was seen in South Carolina and folks got suspicious. Reportedly the couple had dinner with Bette Midler a few days earlier, which of course is protocol before two celebrities get married. The couple has dinner with Bette Midler, then of course has schnapps with Cher in an old belltower, than James Garner has to say a strange and mystical prayer over the groom's trousers, of course Ruth Buzzi has to delouse the bride, and then Goldie Hawn comes out with a daiquiri maker and says "You cuckoo birds ready to get hitched or what?" and then the marriage is approved. So, good for Blake and Ryan for doing things properly. They were apparently wed on a plantation, so... Boy, plantations in South Carolina where they used to own people a hundred and fifty years ago sure are romantic. Think of all the suffering and death! Where's the honeymoon, Dachau? Jeez louise. What are you thinking? Really, what are you thinking??? Blake, he divorced Scarlett Johansson after like two months! Ryan, she's Blake Lively! What are you guys thinking, huh?? What is anyone thinking. [People]

Aw. Prince William and his bride Kate Middleton, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and some of Somerville and a little of Medford, are about to embark on a tour of Southeast Asia to help keep the Queen's diamond jubilee celebration a'rockin', but before they do that, they're taking a little vaycay together in Provence. That's in France. Like, French France. Of course, this will likely be a more demure vacation than the one William's brother, Harry, recently had in Las Vegas. "Haha," William chortled, stiffly walking around the hotel room, unpacking. "No one will be naked on this trip!" At which Kate initially blanched but then she smiled and said, coyly, "Well, I should hope we'll be a little naked." William looked puzzled for a moment and then nodded his head, a deep bob like a bird's. "Ah yes, of course. We shall be naked for sex, you and I. But that's it." Ever the romantic, him. Meanwhile, while those two lovebirds are reading magazines in bed until Kate turns off her light and rolls over feeling more lonely than if she were alone, William's renegade brother is in Afghanistan, being threatened by the Taliban. Yes some baddie from that nefarious group has issued a statement saying the Taliban hopes to kill or kidnap Harry now that he's in their country. They couldn't kill or kidnap him if he wasn't in their country, because they're idiots who live in caves, but man, now that he's there, oh boy, watch out. Of course we are worried about our beautiful ginger lord Henry of Wales, but he ought to be OK. He's got protection and whatnot. And when Prince Harry says he has protection, well, he means it most of the time. [Us Weekly; People]

Kristen Stewart, ruined slattern, was recently at the Toronto International Film Festival promoting one of her whore movies, and of course nobody wanted to talk to her. Everyone was throwing eggs and old underpants at her, shrieking in her face, spitting at her and pointing to her groin area and screaming "Unclean! Unclean!" It was your typical film festival for the unholy she-creature, until a gal named Jennifer Lawrence, you know she played Gina or Debbie or whatever her name is in The Hunger Games, sidled up to her and made poor Kristen her pal. Yeah, apparently the two were buds all festival long, with Lawrence inviting Stewart to the screening of her movie The Silver Linings Playbook and then Stewart showing up to the after party and chatting with Lawrence in private. Who knows what the old gals got to talking about, probably clothes and hairdos and whatever else gals talk about. Or maybe they didn't talk. Maybe they just, y'know, blinked at each other with a kind of furtive longing and then, finally, after a long but not exactly awkward pause, they leaned in to each other and kissed, soft as raindrops, easy as key lime pie. Or I suppose that's what some of you perverts would like to happen, isn't it?? God. They're just friends. Get over it. Please. Ridiculous. Meanwhile, Stewart's ex Robert Pattinson and Lawrence's Hunger Games costars Josh Hutcherson and Liam Hemsworth totally freaked all weekend. [Page Six]

Popular music singer Rihanna has gotten a new tattoo that she's taken a picture of for us, and it is... It's a doozy of a tattoo. In honor of her recently late grandmother, RiRi got a full-on Egyptian goddess Isis lady spread out across her chest, just below her, uh, her feminine elevations. Just under her, hm, let's say, womanly peaks. It's under her boobs, guys. Rihanna got a huge tattoo under her boobs that she will probably regret at some point but what can you do, it's there now. So we all just need to deal with it. We're likely not going to see it all that often, given that it's located directly beneath her lady buttes, so we probs shouldn't stress about it too much. It is what it is. [Us Weekly]

Kanye West keeps talking about how he wrote songs about wanting to be with Kim Kardashian long before they were together. And now some "source" is saying that Kanye used to use Kim's famous sex tape for, uh, inspiration and whatnot, and it's all a little dothing and protesting a bit too much, isn't it? Like, Kanye, come on. If you want to buy Kim Kardashian clothes and dress her up like Ararat Barbie, you go ahead and you do that. You get her permission first, of course, but you just do that. No need to create this whole elaborate charade where not only are you dating, you are meant to be because of old ties or connections or whatever. It's silly, it's too much, no one's really buying it, and come on. Just dress her up in the fashions you want to dress her up in and have that be that. It's 2012. No one's gonna judge. Well OK many, many people will judge, but other than them? Screw them, who cares. [TMZ]

Girls creator/star/director/writer/van driver probably Lena Dunham has cut her hair short and Tweeted about it, making a reference to Miley Cyrus' drastic haircut that she Tweeted about a few important weeks ago. So now Lena Dunham has short hair, which, girl, we are heading into fall and then winter. That is not the right time to cut off your hair. You need the warmth! Sure you can wear hats and all that, you can definitely afford hats these days, but nothing beats the innate organic warmth of a long and luxurious mane of hair. It looks good, we're not saying it doesn't, it was just unwise. Ill-advised, let's say. Poorly conceived. Whatever. That's the Miley way, I suppose. [Daily Mail]

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